Walmartyr (Walmart + martyr)

“Don’t stop when you are tired. Stop when you are done”

“If Friday had a face, I would kiss it”

“A linguist walks into a bar and orders an IPA…” (bar joke)

“Two Corinthians walk into a bar…” (bar joke)

“I would die for shopping. I’m a Walmartyr”

“I would buy an electric car, but they charge too much”

“I went to a vegan prostitute last night and she gave me her peas”

“Mary, I’m having one more pint with the lads. If I’m not home in 20 minutes, read this again”

“I have an addiction to tag. It’ll be touch and go, whether I need professional help”

“My dad told me he was into East Asian music and I was like,  ‘k, pop…’”

“Why was the racehorse named Strawberry Ice?”/“He was a sherbet.”

“Quant is another word for wild fucking guess with math”

“Which insect didn’t play well in goal?”/“The fumble bee.”

“Why was the racehorse named Strawberry Ice?”/“He was a sherbet.”

“I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out”

“Do your homework or you’ll end up at McDonald’s”

“Many fine things can be done in a day if you don’t always make that day tomorrow”

“I wanted to marry my jailed English teacher, but you can’t end a sentence with a proposition”

“When the past calls, let it go to voicemail. It has nothing new to say”

“Politician’s Polka—one step forward, two steps back, and sidestep the issue”

“Why do beavers spend a fortune on the internet?”/“They never want to log off.”

“Where do vegetarians go on holiday?”/“Quornwall.”

“Don’t stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed”

“You can’t have a million dollar dream with a minimum wage work ethic”

“All things come to those who wait, but when they come they’re out of date”

“What’s the difference between an English major and a park bench?” (riddle)

“Teamwork: Simply stated, it is less me and more we”

“What’s the difference between a writer and a park bench?”/“A park bench can support a family.”

“On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key”

“Summer is the season when a man thinks he can cook better on an outdoor grill”

“New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most of it unsolved”

“You can put literally any topping other than cheese on a hamburger and it’s still a hamburger”

“Adversity introduces a man to himself”

“Running away from any problem only increases the distance from the solution”

“The best way to escape from a problem is to solve it”

“Kindness is the new cool”

“What is a feminist’s favorite fruit?”/“Mango.”

“Who do Texan Muslims worship?”/“Y’allah.” (y’all + Allah)

“What do you call Dracula with hay fever?”/“The pollen Count.”

“All mushrooms are edible, but some mushrooms are only edible once”

“What do you get from a drunk chicken?”/“Scotch eggs.”

“I see the price of Oxo cubes has shot up again. The stock market’s gone crazy”

“Happiness is the new rich. Inner peace is the new success. Health is the new wealth”

“By law, you are required to turn on your headlights if it’s raining in Sweden” (joke)

“Eat well, work hard, travel often, stay humble”

“I’ll control my guns. You control your kids”

“I’ve always wanted to spend money lavishly, but I never thought it would be on sugar, milk, bread”

“Eat well, travel often”

“I beat a black belt at karate. My next opponent is a green sock”

“Heal the past, live the present, dream the future”

“What do you do with an elephant with three balls?”/“Walk him and pitch to the giraffe.”

“Chewing gum is like a stress ball for your mouth”

“If you want to lose weight, just fall in love with the wrong person”

“Eat well, work hard, love truly, travel often”

“Love deeply, eat well, laugh always, work hard, travel often”

“Don’t treat people as bad as they are, treat them as good as you are”

“Those who invest in chocolate put their money behind bars”

“We were all once creampies”

“The cashier said, ‘Strip down, facing me.’ How was I to know she actually meant my debit card?”

“Bacon bits are essentially pig sprinkles”

“What do you call a skinhead who doesn’t eat meat?”/“A vegetaryan.” (vegetarian + Aryan)

“Home is where our story begins”

“Those who invest in chocolate put their money behind bars”

“Bread crumbs are just really small croutons”

Borough Hall (side-arm pitch in Brooklyn)

“What kind of phone makes music?”/“A saxophone.”

“What kind of phone makes music?”/“A saxophone.”

“Croutons are just big bread crumbs”

Tightening of Adam’s Apple (suggested in 1978)

“What do you call a Scandinavian who only eats plants?”/“A Nor-vegan.”

“How many teachers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?” (riddle)

Broadway (slang for flashy dresser, loud talker)

“Apple comes up” or “Feel the apple” or “Take the apple” (to choke; from Adam’s apple)

“Excuses don’t burn calories”

“Have you tried disabling cookies?”/“Well, I once bit the legs off a gingerbread man!”

“Cannibals take being a people person to one fucked-up level”

“When you shop at a record store, you should know that all sales are vinyl”

“If wars can be started by lies, then peace can be started by truth”

“Where do Norse Texans go when they die?”/“Y’allhalla.” (y’all + Valhalla)

“Grilled cheese sandwiches aren’t even grilled. They are generally pan fried”

“Have you tried disabling cookies?”/“Well, I once bit the legs off a gingerbread man!”

“You are what you eat, so cannibals are real people persons”

“Ravioli are just Italian dumplings, and dumplings are just Chinese ravioli”

Move It Monday

“Autocorrect makes me type things I didn’t Nintendo”

“How does a jazz musician end up with a million dollars?”/“By starting out with two million dollars.

“Mistakes just mean you’re trying”

“I love taking a picture of myself next to a boiling kettle. I think I may have selfie steam issues”

“I walked up to the bar and asked for a white wine…” (bar joke)

Long Island: Strong Island (nickname)

Hoofer (a dancer)

Tank Town (small town)

“The secret of getting ahead is getting started”

“Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs”

“Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday”

“Keep calm and pretend that tomorrow is not Monday” (Sunday saying)

“Proof that 9/11 wasn’t a government plot: It worked”

“What’s the difference between a fig and a date?” (joke)

“Making mistakes does not mean you’re a failure. It just means you’re trying and learning in life”