“Mistakes are proof that you are trying”

“Dumplings are just Chinese ravioli”

“It’s only Tuesday? Monday took so long, I thought it was Wednesday!”

“Sundays should come with a pause button”

Greatest Free Show on Earth (Mardi Gras in New Orleans)

“A Tuesday after a holiday is like a double whammy Monday”

“Having Monday off is a great opportunity to hate Tuesday”

“Do vegans eat beefsteak tomatoes?”

“Potstickers are just Chinese ravioli”

“Wontons are just Chinese ravioli”

“For my next trick, I will eat a percussion instrument in a bap. Drum roll please”

“How does a computer get drunk?”/“It takes screen shots.”

“What do sweet potatoes wear to bed?”/“Their yammies.”

“Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato?” (joke)

“Why do vegetarians like parallel lines?”/“Because they don’t meat.”

“Why did the weather want privacy?”/“It was changing.”

Big Sleazy (New Orleans nickname)

“For my next trick, I will eat a percussion instrument in a bap. Drum roll please”

“How does a computer get drunk?”/“It takes screenshots.”

“Washington, DC stands for Washington, Da Capital”

“Where do cows go after elementary school?”/“To a second dairy school.”

“What do you call a communist pirate ship?”/“The USS-ARRR.”

“Why are vampires afraid of casinos?”/“Because of all the high stakes.”

“What do vampires play poker for?”/“High stakes.”

“Did you hear about the world’s largest pickle? It’s a really big dill!”

“Our five senses are incomplete without the sixth—a sense of humor”

“Abstinence is a good thing, but it should always be practiced in moderation”

“Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere”

Washington, DC: Dot.Com (nickname)

Washington, DC: Rome on the Potomac (nickname)

Washington, DC: “Washington, DC is 12 square miles bordered by reality”

Washington, DC: WarPo (Washington Post nickname)

Washington, DC: “Democracy dies in darkness” (Washington Post slogan)

Washington, DC: “What do the Metro system and the Little Mermaid have in common?” (joke)

Washington, DC: City of Magnificent Distances (nickname)

Washington, DC: District of Cunts (nickname)

Washington, DC: Wall Street-Washington Corridor

Washington, DC: Hot Tub (nickname)

Washington, DC: District of Criminals (nickname)

Washington, DC: Capitol Hill (nickname)

Washington, DC: “Washington is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm”

Washington, DC: District of Confusion (nickname)

Washington, DC: District of Corruption (nickname)

“Which ghost ate too much porridge?”/“Ghouldilocks.”

“These so-called speed bumps are a joke. If anything, they slow you down”

“The sign said, ‘Employees must wash hands.’ I waited, but I finally washed them myself”

“What musical instrument goes with cheese?”/“Picklelo.”

“Tremendously Grateful It’s Friday” (TGIF)

“If you somehow choke to death on an ice cube, nobody would know how you died”

“Gym hair, don’t care”

“Eagles don’t take flight lessons from chickens”

“When doesn’t a telephone work underwater?”/“When it’s wringing wet.”

“What musical instrument goes with cheese?”/“Picklelo.”

“Where do ants go to eat?”/“At a restaurant.”

“Ambition is the path to success. Persistence is the vehicle you arrive in”

“This coffee is broken! I’m still tired!”

“Your glass is empty. Would you like another?”/“Why would I want two empty glasses?”

“Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with Windows”

“On Saturdays we wear pajamas”

“Be fearless in the pursuit of what sets your soul on fire”

“Ambition is the first step to success. The second step is action”

“What do you call a boat carrying vodka, penises and potatoes?”/“An Absolut dick tater ship.”

“I take my paycheck to the bar because that’s better than drinking a loan”

“Nothing says first world problems like falling in love with a limited edition flavor”

“What do you get if you cross a jogger with an apple pie?”/“Puff pastry.”

“Having a beer for breakfast is totally acceptable in an airport”

“The fat acceptance movement is the only movement without movement”

“If you borrow a bottle of wine, are you drinking a loan?”

“What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?”/“A brick-layer.”

“Having a beer for breakfast is totally acceptable in an airport”

“Tootsie Rolls are just chocolate Starbursts”

“A man walks into a bar and sees a smartly dressed woman…” (lawyer joke)

“A Sunday well spent brings a week of content”

“All suspect milk is innocent until proven guilty in a quart of law”

“A man walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous woman…” (bar joke)

Jump City (New Orleans nickname)

“This is your Sunday evening reminder that you can handle whatever this week throws at you”

“The ice age walks into a bar…” (bar joke)

Big Greasy (New Orleans nickname)

“What do you call two pints of strict rules?”/“A quart of law.”

“I tried to write a drinking song once, but I couldn’t get past the first bar”

“Never forget that the human race with technology is just like an alcoholic”

“Are we there, Yeti?”

“How do comedians send messages?”/“By tee-hee mail.”

“I tried to write a drinking song once, but I couldn’t get past the first bar”

“Giant cannibals were soaking me in vinegar when I shouted, ‘Pickle someone your own size!’”

“I tried to write a drinking song once, but I couldn’t get past the first bar”

“What did one wall say to the other wall?”/“Meet me at the corner.”

“Do you deliver?”/“No, but we do chicken, lamb and fish.”