“If there’s one thing that makes me throw up, it is a dartboard on the ceiling”

Oysters Bienville

Oysters Bienville

“Prison may be just one word. But to others, it’s a whole sentence”

“Cavities are like parking tickets, they show up by surprise and take all your pocket money”

Oysters Suzette

“I drive like lightning. I hit trees”

“If people were influenced by video games, the majority of Facebook users would be farmers by now”

“My friend can’t afford to pay his water bill anymore. So I sent him a card, “Get well soon’”

“Being a parent means knowing how to unwrap a Snickers without making any noise”

“A nice cold drink and an ice cold drink is the same sentence with the space in different places”

“The most important thing a girl wears is her confidence”

“Learning is a gift. Even when pain is your teacher”

“Make a mark, not a scar”

Grillades

“During his air test, a young pilot flew through a rainbow. He passed with flying colors”

“Run for the Orchids” (Florida Derby)

“Where do eggs stay on vacation?”/“Hollandaise Inn.”

“Hipster ghosts are too ghoul for school”

“This chocolate just went past me at 120 mph!! I think it was a Ferrari Rocher”

“The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte”

“What’s the difference between a tribe of clever pygmies and a girls’ track team?” (riddle)

“Mall kiosk workers are the human equivalent of pop-up ads”

“People tell me that my grammar stinks. What do they expect? She’s 85!”

“I need an appointment.”/“How about 10 tomorrow?”/“No, I don’t need that many.”

“The difference between a rebellion and a revolution is which side wins”

Grillades

“What do you call a dentist who doesn’t like tea?”/“Denis.”

“ATM fees are the bank’s way of making you buy back your own money”

“I love telling cheesy jokes, but my friends are laughtose intolerant”

“Do not judge my story by the chapter you walked in on”

“Nothing says ‘I mean business’ like using a shopping cart at the liquor store”

“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something”

“Why doesn’t a scarecrow eat?”/“Because he’s already stuffed.”

“What do you call a hotel that offers a breakfast of Eggs Benedict?”/“A Hollandaise Inn.”

“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money”

“I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock”

“Have you ever tried blindfolded archery? You don’t know what you’re missing”

“The only thing that matters in wrestling are your teeth and your testicles”

“A group of kids is called a migraine”

“Be the type of person who leaves a mark, not a scar”

“Surround yourself with tacos, not negativity”

“Everyone brings joy to this office. Some when they enter, others when they leave”

“We are all MAD* here” (*MAD—Making A Difference)

“If your ship doesn’t come in, swim out to it”

“Your habits are driving your performance. Your rituals are creating your results”

“Success is a little like wrestling a gorilla. You don’t quit when you’re tired”

“Good things come to those who sweat”

“Memes are today’s version of the Sunday comics”

“I don’t see color.”/“So what do you do at a traffic light?”

“The 21st century: Where deleting history is more important than making it”

“Had no idea why my salad was $175, then the waiter said that they only use beets by Dre”

“Hug your kids at home, but belt them in the car”

“Road work ahead? Yeah, well I sure hope it does”

“Biscuits and gravy is just milk, butter and flour on top of milk, butter and flour”

“Purpose is an incredible alarm clock”

“Teach a manta fish…” (joke)

“Watching a graduation ceremony is like sitting through a movie that’s entirely end credits”

“I’m so broke, I can only afford Bottom Ramen”

“What is an American’s favorite type of music?”/“Royalty free.”

“Minty is just cold spicy”

“What do you call someone who can’t stick with a diet?”/“A desserter.”

“Christmas is a competition between who gives up first: Your feet or your wallet”

“‘I don’t see color,’ she said, as she ran the traffic light”

“If it burns, you’re getting closer” (fitness adage)

“What kind of shoes does bread wear?”/“Loafers.”

“Turn your worry into worship and watch God turn your battles into blessings”

“You will never always be motivated. You have to learn to be disciplined”

“Blablabla. Go workout!” (“Bla bla bla. Go workout!”)

“Eat for the body you want, not for the body you have”

“Leadership is not about the next election, it’s about the next generation”

“Do it today or regret it tomorrow”

“If you’re going to quit anything, quit making excuses and quit waiting for the right time”

“The most beautiful thing you can wear is confidence”

“Risking is better than regretting” (“Risk is better than regret”)

“Who came up with the Gregorian calendar—Greg or Ian?”

Long Island Frankfurter (long, thin AFL football)

Big Crescent (New Orleans nickname)

“What kind of shoes do bakers wear?”/“Loafers.”

“Coffee. Teach. Sleep. Repeat”

Long Island: Long Island frankfurter (a long, thin football)

“Blahblahblah. Go workout!” (“Blah blah blah. Go workout!”)

“What do Lincoln and an ‘80s sitcom have in common?”/“Both were shot before a live audience.”

“Dear Lord, thank you for these noodles. Ramen”

“Coffee. Wine. Sleep. Repeat”

“A waffle without the letter W is just awful”

“Take the W out of Waffle House and it’s just Awful House”

“Coffee. Yoga. Wine. Sleep. Repeat”

“I found a hat with $17.50 in it. A guy was too busy juggling to pick it up”

“Coffee. Teach. Repeat”

“Coffee. Yoga. Wine. Repeat”

“Coffee. Work. Wine. Sleep. Repeat”

“If you walk a mile in my shoes, you’ll end up in a wine bar”

“We are so poor we eat Ordinary K for breakfast”

“If you walk a mile in my shoes, you’ll end up at the bar”

“I bought a 12 year old scotch. His parents weren’t pleased”

“Never give a donation to anyone collecting for a marathon. They’ll take the money and run”

“God please give me patience, if you give me strength I will just punch them”

“If life is not smiling at you, give it a good tickling”

“My girlfriend told me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter” (joke)