“So it turns out that being an adult is mostly just Googling how to do stuff”

“Never give a donation to anyone collecting for a marathon. They’ll take the money and run”

“Have Only Positive Expectations” (“hope” backronym)

“Two blondes walk into a building. You’d think one of them would have seen it”

“Insect protein is a locust alternative to meat”

“The gym accused me of stealing, but the sign clearly said ‘free weights’”

“What is the leader of popcorn called?”/“The kernel.”

“If life isn’t smiling at you, tickle it”

“If two people are in love nothing is impossible, except deciding where to eat”

“Hopefully, I’ve got a book coming out soon. Shouldn’t have eaten it, really”

“There’s a moron in every office. They usually get paid more than you”

Ninth Wonder of the World (Louisiana Superdome)

“Life is short—buy the shoes, drink the wine, order the dessert”

Eighth Wonder of the World (Houston Astrodome)

“Tuesday isn’t so bad. It’s a sign that I’ve somehow survived Monday”

“That awkward moment when you spell a word so wrong that even autocorrect is like, ‘I got nothing’”

“What is a soup’s favorite sport?”/“Bowling.”

“The local Goodwill burned down last night. A person died from second-hand smoke”

“What is a soup’s favorite sport?”/“Bowling.”

“Don’t be upsetti—eat some spaghetti” (“Don’t get upsetti—have some spaghetti”)

“My favorite color is food”

“Life is like a sandwich—you have to fill it with the best ingredients”

“My favorite color is pizza”

“You can’t live a full life on an empty stomach”

“Life is like a sandwich—the more you add to it, the better it becomes”

“One day…I’m gonna make the onions cry”

“I’m just a girl, standing in front of a salad, asking it to be a donut”

“My Saturday was going pretty well until I realized it was Sunday”

Red Beans and Rice

“Red beans and ricely yours”

Crawfish Town (New Orleans nickname)

Café Brûlot (Café Brûlot Diabolique)

Eggs Sardou

“New Yorkiest place in town” (Stork Club)

“If you don’t smell it, we ain’t got it” (delicatessen sign)

Burma Road (Asian restaurants on 52nd Street, between 6th and 7th Avenues)

Thieves’ Market (between Delancey and Houston Streets in Manhattan)

Glory Road (Eighth Avenue, between 42nd and 44th Streets)

Ulcer County (Madison Avenue advertising agencies)

Bongo Boulevard (51st Street, between Seventh Avenue and Broadway)

Tin Pan Handle Alley (West 50th Street and Eighth Avenue)

Ptomaine Road (Broadway, between 42nd and 49th Streets)

Eggs Hussarde

“Don’t be upset—eat some spaghett” (“Don’t get upset—have some spaghett”)

“I’m just a girl, standing in front of a salad, asking it to be 3 tacos and 2 margaritas”

“What’s a wok?”/“Something you fwow at a wabbit.”

Hoboweryite (hobo + Boweryite)

Hobowery (hobo + Bowery)

Eggs Hussarde

Hobowery (hobo + Bowery)

Limousine Alley (56th Street, between Sixth and Seventh Avenues)

Vain Stem (vain + Main Stem, for Broadway)

Calas (“Belle Calas! Tout chauds!”)

Calas (“Belle Calas! Tout chauds!”)

Main Stem Femme (a Broadway girl)

Broadwayite

“Maple syrup is tree blood”

“If maple syrup is tree blood, can vegans and vegetarians eat it?”

Main Stem Femme (a Broadway girl)

Main Stem Femme (a Broadway girl)

Broadwayite

Broadwayite

Baloney Boulevard (Broadway)

Revusical (revue + musical)

Etouffee (Crawfish Étouffée)

“Don’t disturb anyone working on a puzzle or you may hear some cross words”

“Jeff, a semicolon, and an Oxford comma walk into a bar…” (bar joke)

“Watson, I’ve discovered that our hotel mattress is missing a cover.”/“No sheet, Sherlock!”

Moom Picher or Moom Pitcher (motion/moving picture)

“A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer”

“I have to take my paycheck to the bank. It’s too little to go by itself”

“Maybe they call it ‘take-home pay’ because there is no other place you can afford to go with it”

“They call it ‘take-home pay’ because it’s too little to go home by itself”

“A television can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer”

Main Stemmer (Mainstemmer)

Main Stemmer (Mainstemmer)

Main Stemmer (Mainstemmer)

“If at first you don’t succeed, call it version 1.0”

“Two quotation marks ‘walk into’ a bar…” (bar joke)

“A synonym strolls into a tavern…” (bar joke)

“A question mark walks into a bar?” (bar joke)

“Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything” (bar joke)

“At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar…” (bar joke)

“A bar was walked into by the passive voice” (bar joke)

“A non sequitur walks into a bar…” (bar joke)