“A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer, for even longer”

“Keep your goals away from the trolls”

“Don’t limit your challenges. Challenge your limits”

“A library is a hospital for the mind”

“The dream is free, but the hustle is sold separately”

“Democrats vote on Tuesday, Republicans vote on Wednesday” (joke)

“A contortionist in the Philippines would be a Manila folder”

“Cinema means sin and enema”

“When vegetables get a vasectomy they get the parsnip”

“I never dreamed about success. I worked for it” (Estée Lauder)

“The distance between your dream and reality is called action”

“I wish everything was as easy as getting fat”

“IPAs are just pumpkin spice lattes for white men”

“What do you call a waffle on a California beach?”/“A Sandy Eggo.”

“What’s best way to build upper arm strength? Take lots of selfies”

“I didn’t get there by wishing for it or hoping for it, but by working for it” (Estée Lauder)

“Until you cross the bridge of your insecurities, you can’t begin to explore your possibilities”

“Powdered drink mix is just seasoning for water”

“Everything becomes a lesson when you’re open to learn”

“What was the unknown baker’s name?”/“John Dough.”

“What is Perseus’s least favorite cheese?”/“Gorgonzola.”

“Don’t depend too much on anyone. Even your shadow leaves you when you’re in darkness”

“What’s a cat’s favorite soda?”/“Meowtain Dew.”

“I’d go to a strip club, but it’s always the same old thong and dance”

“If you’re having a bad day, an important thing to remember is that no one cares”

“If you try, you risk failure. If you don’t, you ensure it”

“To try when there is little hope is to risk failure. Not to try at all is to guarantee it”

“Try is a small word that makes a big difference”

“Celery is just crunchy water”

Endicott, Binghamton, Johnson City: Triple Cities

“Cucumbers are just crunchy water”

“Vegetables are just crunchy water”

“Watermelon is just crunchy juice”

“Lettuce is just crunchy water”

“Watermelon is just crunchy water”

“How many cabal members does it take to change a light bulb?” (joke)

“Wisdom is knowing the right path to take. Integrity is taking it”

“Try Relying Upon Steps and Traditions” (“trust” backronym)

“It must suck when billionaires wake up feeling like a million bucks”

“Words In Steps Do Open Minds” (“wisdom” backronym)

“A keyboard walks into a bar…” (bar joke)

“‘Senator’ is an anagram for ‘treason’”

“The Happiness I Never Knew” (“think” backronym)

“My body is just a filter. Coffee goes in, sarcasm comes out”

“What’s your biggest weakness?”/“I don’t know when to quit.” (job interview joke)

“What Our Recovery Knows” (“work” backronym)

“Hang On, Peace Exists” (“hope” backronym)

“Why are horses lousy at voting?”/“They only vote neigh.”

“You never realize how long a minute is until you’re exercising”

“Too many people miss the silver lining because they’re expecting gold”

“Doctor, why do I toot like a motorcycle?”/“Because abscess makes the fart go Honda.”

“Why is the cook worried about catching his runaway pig?”/“He knows a little ham goes a long way.”

“Chips are just edible spoons”

“It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do”

“Waiter: How do you like your eggs? Diner: I don’t know. I haven’t gotten them yet.”

“You never realize how long a minute is until you’re exercising”

“If the recipe sucks, it doesn’t matter how good a cook you are”

“A blank piece of paper is God’s way of telling us how hard it is to be God”

“Books serve to show a man that those original thoughts of his aren’t very new after all”

“You will find the key to success under the alarm clock”

“Happiness often sneaks in through a door you didn’t know you left open”

“Laughter is like a windshield wiper. It doesn’t stop the rain, but allows us to keep going”

“An etymologist, an entomologist, and an etiologist walk into a bar…” (bar joke)

“In times like these, it helps to recall that there have always been times like these”

“What do you call an ice cream truck operator?”/“A sundae driver.”

Sundae Driver (vodka + orange juice + ice cream)

“He who eats ice cream in a car is a sundae driver”

“Good Humor man: sundae driver”

“Don’t follow a model that doesn’t work. If the recipe sucks, it doesn’t matter how good a cook is”

“When one door closes, another one opens. It’s the fridge”

“Discipline is the bridge between goals and accomplishment”

“Waiter, I can’t find any oysters in this oyster soup.”/“Would you expect angels in angel cake?”

“Cornbread ain’t done in the middle” (stupid)

“Common sense is the knack of seeing things as they are, and doing things as they ought to be done”

National Panhandler Radio (NPR or National Public Radio nickname)

“PE Teacher: You kicked the ball at the school computer? Student: You wanted it in the net.”

Seven Crazy Hours Of Our Lives or Seven Crappy Hours Of Our Lives (“school” backronym)

“The road of life is paved with flat squirrels who couldn’t make a decision”

“PE Teacher: You kicked the ball at the school computer? Student: You wanted it in the net.”

“I choked on a carrot. All I could think was ‘I bet a cupcake wouldn’t have done this’”

“PE Teacher: You kicked the ball at the school computer? Student: You wanted it in the net.”

“As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself you can’t trust Google Maps”

Johnson City, Binghamton, Endicott: Triple Cities

“Life is like a ten speed bike. Most of us have gears we never use”

“Bread ain’t done in the middle” (stupid)

“In the recipe of life, doubt makes an excellent ingredient, but a lousy meal”

“I totally understand how batteries feel because I’m rarely ever included in things either”

“Pakistanis can’t play soccer well because every time they get a corner, they open a shop”

“No one who can rise before dawn three hundred sixty days a year fails to make his family rich”

“Get me an alligator sandwich, and make it snappy”

“How can you tell economists have a sense of humor?”/“They use decimal points.”

“Why did the potato cross the road?”/“He saw a fork up ahead.”

“I was thinking about starting an awning company, but that’s a pretty shady business to get into”

“Most meetings take place in bored rooms”

“What time is it when you sit on a pin?”/“Spring time.”

“If you’re interested in both red and green curries, does that make you bicurryous?”

“Why didn’t the atheist cross the road?”/“There’s no such thing as the other side.”

“Never give up on things that make you smile”

“Why aren’t there more songs about being hungry?”

“If you found $5 in every pocket of your coat, what would you have?”/“Someone else’s coat.”