“Even duct tape can’t fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound”

“Why are fish so smart?”/“Because they travel in schools.”

“Don’t give up on things that make you smile”

“Why did the farmer plow his field with a steamroller?”/“He wanted mashed potatoes.”

“Where did the stopwatch finish the race?”/“Wherever it wound up.”

“Where did the clock finish the race?”/“Wherever it wound up.”

“Why aren’t there more songs about being hungry?”

“Never give up on something that you can’t go a day without thinking about”

“Confidence is the key. If you don’t believe in yourself, then nobody will”

“Why did the atheist cross the road?”/“He thought there might be a street on the other side…”

“Where do Russians get their milk?”/“From Mos-cows.”

“What time is it when you sit on a tack?”/“Spring time.”

“An empty fortune cookie is very unfortunate”

“Where does Russian milk come from?”/“Moscows.”

“Fish make excellent brain food, probably because they travel in schools”

“Did you hear about the 25 Irish people that drowned? They were river dancing”

“Even duct tape can’t fix stupid”

“You can’t fix stupid. Not even with duct tape”

“Flatulence is exhausting”

“Why did the jellybean go to school?”/“He wanted to be a Smartie.”

“If you found $5 in every pocket of your coat, what would you have?”/“Someone else’s coat.”

“Pakistanis can’t play soccer well because every time they get a corner, they open a shop”

“Goals that are not written down are just dreams”

“I failed my drug test again. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever get my pharmacy degree”

Po’ Boy or Poor Boy (sandwich)

“Goals that are not written down are just wishes”

“I failed my drug test today. There goes my degree in pharmaceutics!”

“Where does a shark work?”/“In the of-fish.”

“Morning traffic is like waiting in line to go to work”

“Summer means about three months of no school shootings”

Linguinistics (linguine + linguistics)

“How did the wine glass get home?”/“A cab.”

“Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road?”/“To go with the traffic jam.”

“Who fixes time machines?”/“A quantum mechanic.”

“How did the wine glass get home?”/“A cab.”

“May your life someday be as awesome as you pretend it is on Twitter”

“Monday plan: Drink coffee, Be awesome, Ignore negativity”

“Coffee with soy milk is just bean water mixed with bean water”

“Where do fishes work?”/“In the of-fish.”

Anti-Christian Lawyers Union (American Civil Liberties Union nickname)

“The worst thing about running the Chinese Marathon? Hitting the Wall”

American Communist Lovers Union (American Civil Liberties Union nickname)

Anti-Christian Litigation Union (American Civil Liberties Union nickname)

Anti-Christian Lawsuit Union (American Civil Liberties Union nickname)

Anti-Christian Litigation Unit (American Civil Liberties Union nickname)

“Just got a job as senior director at Old MacDonald’s Farm. I’m the CIEIO”

Anti-Christian Liberals Union (American Civil Liberties Union nickname)

“I’m traveling to Greenwich tomorrow. I’m not sure what to do in the Mean Time”

American Criminal Lovers Union (American Civil Liberties Union nickname)

“If you leave alphabet soup on the stove and go out, it could spell disaster”

“May your life someday be as awesome as you pretend it is on social media”

“Why was the student’s report card wet?”/“Because his grades were below C-level.”

“Somebody should market a beer called ‘Occasionally’ so I can say, ‘I only drink occasionally’”

“They all laughed when I wore one puff pastry boot. But now the choux’s on the other foot”

Not A Space Agency (NASA nickname)

Triple H (hazy, hot and humid)

“A Rastafarian walks into a bank with a bag of marijuana. He wanted to open a joint account”

“I posed naked for a men’s fitness magazine. The cashier would have preferred I’d just paid for it”

“Not sure if I’m raw vegan or too lazy to cook”

“Only one thing is worser than an almoster and that is a never tryer”

“A soft taco is just an unfolded burrito”

“Calzones are just Italian empanadas”

“Arguing with a woman is like reading a software license agreement—just click on ‘I agree’”

“Pizza is just an unfolded Italian burrito”

“Gongs are just really flat bells”

“Life has no remote. Get up and change it yourself”

“Salivating is just your mouth getting horny for food”

“Calzones are just Italian burritos”

“The rewind on the remote of life does not work”

“When there is a hill to climb, don’t think that waiting will make it smaller”

“All NYC subway stations are in the same building, there’s just really long hallways”

“I woke up this morning and realized I don’t have what it takes to sit back and be average”

“One of these days, is none of these days”

“I’ll never be able to run for President because of what I did for a Klondike Bar”

“They call us dreamers, but we’re the ones who don’t sleep”

“Procrastination is the grave in which opportunity is buried”

“I’ll never be able to run for President because of what I did for a Klondike Bar”

“Live simply. Dream big. Be grateful. Give love. Laugh lots”

“Job: n. temporary employment taken for short term needs”

“What’s a paradox?”/“Two places to park your boat.”