“My GPS just told me to turn around. Now I can’t see where I’m driving”

“Food is the most abused anti-anxiety drug. Exercise is the most underutilized antidepressant”

“To the people who lose one shoe on the highway: Please tell me what the rest of your life is like”

“I used to work in a diving school, but the company went under”

“I never run with scissors. Those last two words were unnecessary”

“A sheep, a drum and a snake fall off a cliff. Ba-Dum-Tss”

“The crowd at the cannibal’s party grew silent when he announced he would be serving finger foods”

Big Potato (jocular mistake for “Big Apple”)

“Being a parent is like folding a fitted sheet. No one really knows how”

“Two elephants and cymbals fall off a cliff. Boom-Boom-Tss”

“Every corpse on Mt. Everest was once an extremely motivated person”

“A lamb, a drum and a snake fall off a cliff. Ba-Dum-Tss”

“Two elephants walk off a cliff. Boom boom!”

“Friends help you move. Good friends help you move a body. Best friends bring their own shovel”

“A sheep, a drum and a snake walk into a bar…” (bar joke)

“Two elephants and a snake fall off a cliff. Boom-Boom-Tss”

“Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies”

“A goat, a drum and a snake fall off a cliff. Ba-Dum-Tss”

“Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff. Ba-Dum-Tss”

“Why did the weak acid go to the gym?”/“To become a buffer solution.”

“What do you buy the web designer who has everything?”/“Gif vouchers.”

“Some guy proposed in the gym, but she said no. It didn’t workout”

“A burp is just a fart that took the elevator”

“A burp is nothing more than a smart fart that took the elevator up”

“Sawdust is man glitter”

“I’m more confused than a chameleon in a bag of Skittles”

“I don’t snore. I dream I’m a motorcycle”

“Being an adult is like folding a fitted sheet. No one really knows how”

“Line dancing was started by women waiting to use the bathroom”

“Stay positive, work hard and make it happen”

“What do you call a Djinn with powers over pasta?”/“A Fettugenie.”

“The lasting legacy of most deceased pets is a computer password”

“If it’s far away, it’s news. If it’s close at home, it’s sociology”

“If at first you don’t succeed, pay someone else to do it for you”

“When one door closes, the next one slams in your face”

“There was a crime spree at IKEA. Police are having a hard time putting the pieces together”

“Wake up and spill the coffee”

“Quitters never win, and winners never quit talking about how they won”

“The harder you work for something, the greater you’ll feel when you achieve it”

“You remind me of a penny—worthless and found in everyone’s pants”

“The U.S. government is an insurance company with an army”

“Yesterday’s eyeliner can be today’s smokey eye if you just believe in yourself”

“You remind me of a penny—two-faced and worthless”

“My diving school has gone under”

“What do you call an American drawing?”/“A Yankee Doodle.”

“You remind me of a penny—two-faced and not worth much”

“The U.S. government is an insurance company with a sideline business in defense”

“Some things are better left unsaid, but I’ll probably get drunk and say them anyway”

“How long have you been chopping wood for?”/“I’m not sure, I’ll check the logs.”

“How much of the cake did the sword want?”/“Just a slice.”

“A movie ticket for baby should cost at least $50”

“Where do shellfish go to borrow money?”/“The prawn broker.”

“15 years ago the internet was an escape from the real world”

“Eat whatever you want, and if someone lectures you about your weight, eat them too”

Qtard (QAnon + retard)

“Two Canadian body builders were working out at the gym…” (joke)

Lasting Eye Damage (“LED” backronym)

“I’d rather let someone see me naked than parallel park”

“The first submarine sandwich shop opened in 1898, but the store went under”

“My wife wanted me to take her somewhere expensive. I took her to the gas station”

“Sore. The most satisfying feeling”

“If I had $1,000,000, I’d donate a quarter of it to charity. Then I’ll have $999,999.75”

“Give your co-workers the silent treatment by sending them blank emails”

“Father’s Day is just like Mother’s Day, only cheaper”

“How do you begin a politically incorrect joke?”/“President Ben Franklin walks into a bar…’”

“Paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues”

“People who invented internet never would have gotten around to doing it if they’d had internet”

“My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid”

“Big deal, McDonalds. We’re all here for a limited time only”

“When a girl is working out and she tightens her ponytail, you know it’s about to go down”

“My colleague can no longer attend next week’s Innuendo Seminar, so I have to fill her slot”

“I was going to share a vegetable joke, but it’s corny”

“No pain, no gain. Shut up and train”

“Sore. The most satisfying pain”

“I got fired from the candle factory because I refused to work wick ends”

“In our house it really should be called a cooking detector”

“It hurts now, but one day it will be your warm up”

“I’ve got a phobia of over-engineered buildings. It’s a complex complex complex”

“First Rule of Turkey Club: Bacon, lettuce and tomato”

“Eating well is a form of self-respect”

“When a girl is playing a sport and she tightens her ponytail, you know shit’s about to go down”

“Broccoli might get stuck in your teeth, but french fries will get stuck on your ass”

“The fact that you aren’t where you want to be should be enough motivation”

“When a girl at the gym tightens her ponytail, you know shit is about to go down”

“Don’t dig your grave with your own knife and fork”

“Fitness is 20% exercise and 80% nutrition. You can’t outrun your fork”

“Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help”

“Shut up and train”

“Food is the most abused anti-anxiety drug. Exercise is the most underutilized antidepressant”

“Fitness is 20% exercise and 80% nutrition. You can’t outrun your fork”

“What did the spaghetti say to the other spaghetti?”/“Pasta la vista, baby!”

“Excuses are the nails used to build the house of failure”

“Make an effort, not an excuse”

“What did the noodle say when leaving the room?”/“Pasta la vista, baby!”

“Don’t resist chances. Take them like vitamins”

“Nobody is impressed with how good your excuses are”

“Word on the street is, this is a bus only lane”

“It’s not the will to win that matters—everyone has that. It’s the will to prepare to win”

“Success occurs when your dreams get bigger than your excuses”

“Hardest job ever: Working in a bubble wrap factory. Imagine the self-control needed”