“Do you serve fish cakes?” (restaurant joke)

“Saw a fat kid wearing an ‘I Love Hip Hop” shirt. The letters ‘C’ and ‘S’ must have washed off”

“I can’t even imagine the self control required to work at a bubble wrap factory”

“Saw a fat kid wearing an ‘I Love Hip Hop” shirt. The letters ‘C’ and ‘S’ must have washed off”

“I always thought growing lettuce would be hard. Turns out it’s not rocket science”

“What kind of work does a weak cat do?”/“Light mouse work.”

“Nothing is impossible with the right attitude and a hammer”

“Do you serve fishcakes?” (restaurant joke)

“I never drive on back roads after smoking marijuana, because it’s not the high way”

“I was shopping online and saw a horse that I rather liked. So I clicked ‘Add to cart’”

“Who is the strongest thief?”/“A shoplifter.”

“What did the TV do at the beach?”/“Channel surf.”

“It bothers me when I see tax money wasted on signs telling deer where to cross the road”

“If a woman puts me in the friend zone, I immediately borrow money from her”

“When a woman puts me in the friend zone, I immediately borrow money from her”

“Faith can move mountains, but don’t be surprised if God hands you a shovel”

“Excuses are the rocks where our dreams are crushed”

“What happened to the plant in math class?”/“It grew square roots.”

“Life has its ups and downs. We call them squats”

“Whiskey. Because who in the hell needs feelings”

“What do you get if you stuff your computer’s disk drive with herbs?”/“A thyme machine.”

“I bet acting like assholes on the Internet isn’t where we all thought we’d be”

“How was the hamburger murdered?”/“First it was ‘rolled,’ then smothered in onions.”

“Will I be able to play the banjo after surgery?” (joke)

“I do ten sit-ups every morning—hitting the snooze button”

“What do you get if you stuff your computer’s disk drive with herbs?”/“A thyme machine.”

“Why did the boy eat his cash?”/“Because it was his dinner money.”

“Why did the boy eat his cash?”/“Because it was his dinner money.”

“What do you get if you stuff your computer’s disk drive with herbs?”/“A thyme machine.”

“I ran 5 miles for the first time. I didn’t think that ice cream truck would ever stop!”

“Times Square is like using the internet without ad-block”

“Heat, Pressure, and Time. The three things that make a diamond, also make a waffle”

“Times Square is like using the internet without ad-block”

“Adblock should buy out Times Square and replace signs with ‘This ad blocked by Adblock’”

“Why are Americans so dumb?”/“Because they shoot the ones who go to school.”

“Interviewer: Your reference letters said that you take things too literally” (joke)

“My accountant went to see a psychiatrist because he kept hearing strange invoices”

“I ran 5 miles for the first time. I didn’t think that ice cream truck would ever stop!”

“I failed my italic writing exam with straight A’s”

“Why does cooking take like 5 hours and eating like 3 seconds and washing dishes like 7 days”

“What do you call a cinnamon bun that does well in school?”/“An honor roll.”

Swiss Steak

“Why does cooking take like 6 hours and eating like 3 seconds and washing dishes like 7 days”

“Lawsuits are just rap battles for white people”

“I used to play the triangle in a reggae band, but left because it was just one ting after another”

“What do you call a cinnamon bun that does well in school?”/“An honor roll.”

“That awkward moment when you finish watching a TV series and you don’t know what to do”

“If you’re not on a government watchlist by now, you should be ashamed of yourself”

Moscow Mule (cocktail)

“Lawsuits are just rap battles for white people”

“What do you call a drunk wall?”/“Plastered.”

“Two whales walk into a bar…” (bar joke)

“What do you call a drunk wall?”/“Plastered.”

“What do you call freshly made pasta?”/“Newdles.”

“What do you call an alligator with a map?”/“A navigator.”

“I like dillos, but do not support giving them guns. I would never armadillo”

“A bunch of my friends are coming over this evening to play on their phones”

“What do you call an alligator with a GPS?”/“A navigator.”

“Mayonnaise is bread lotion”

“They say you are what you eat. Today I bought some ready to eat chicken…”

“What did the tired artist say?”/“I’m all drawn out.”

“Waiter, there’s a fly in my wine!”/“Well, you did ask for something with a little body in it!”

“Marching bands are actually homeless orchestras. Tragic, really”

“After filling up my gas tank this morning before work, I realized that I didn’t want to eat…”

“Coconuts are mammals because they have hair and produce milk”

“Never cover a judge by his book”

“They say you are what you eat. I bought ready to eat apricots…”

“There’s one thing I can’t stand when I’m drunk. Up”

“My wife sighed, ‘Why does everything have to be a game with you?’”

“I just got off a flight that crossed through five time zones. Does that make me a time traveler?”

“I used to own a Bed and Breakfast. Then I ate the breakfast, and now I just own a bed”

“Waiter, there is a spider in my soup.”/“Yes sir, I put it there to catch the fly.”

“I used to own a Bed and Breakfast. Then I ate the breakfast, and now I just own a bed”

“I just got off a flight that crossed through five time zones. Does that make me a time traveler?”

“Waiter, there’s a bee in my soup.”/“Yes sir, it is the fly’s day off.”

“Don’t give up. You’ve still got a couple of MFers to prove wrong”

“Do you know what’s on the menu? Me-n-u”

“Waiter, there’s a button on my potato.”/“Well, you did ask for a jacket potato.”

“Only one thing is worse than an almoster and that is a never tryer”

“Where do squirrels go in a hurricane?”/“All over the place.”

“Why doesn’t this restaurant have any specials?”/“Because nothing about this food is special.”

“Waiter, there’s a fly swimming in my soup.”/“Then we’ve served you too much soup.”

“I’ve started telling about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s about raisin awareness”

“Waiter, there’s a spider in my soup. Send for the manager.”/“He’s frightened of them, too.”

“Waiter, why is there a spider in my glass?”/“It scares away the flies.”

“Waiter, there’s a dead spider in my soup.”/“Yes, ma’am, they can’t stand the boiling water.”

“What do you call a cow with no legs?”/“Crippled.”

Socialistacrat (socialist + Sandinista + bureaucrat)

“Sometimes I feel like giving up. Then I remember I have a lot of MFers to prove wrong”

“Prayer is the world’s greatest wireless connection”

“What kind of money do fishermen make?”/“Net profits.”

“Why did the horseman put a saddle on a large loaf of bread?”/“It was a crusty steed.”

“Currently stuck at an auction bidding for a house with a lengthy corridor. In it for the long hall”

“Instagram is just Twitter for people who go outside”

Niagara Falls: “What’s the difference between your first and second honeymoon?” (riddle)

“Sellers of dried grapes are always raisin awareness”

“No one ever wins when you order Thai food”

“Teacher: Jeff, have you been copying Johnny’s test again?” (joke)

“I swim to look good naked”

“Home is where you poop with the door open”