“Golfer: The doctor says I can’t play golf. Caddy: Oh, he’s played with with you, too?”

“No matter how beautiful you think the song is, the moment you use it as an alarm, it’s over”

“Who was the greatest actor in the Bible?”/“Samson. He brought the house down.”

“What’s the easiest shot in golf?”/“Your fourth putt.”

“A vacation is having nothing to do and all day to do it in”

“When I say I go to the gym religiously, I mean every Christmas and Easter”

“Home is where you poop most comfortably”

“A vacation is what you take when you can no longer take what you’ve been taking”

“I go to the gym religiously. About twice a year around the holidays”

“Coffee and friends—The perfect blend”

“Did you hear about the cannibal policeman who was arrested for grilling his suspects?”

“What do you get when you mix laxatives with holy water?”/“A religious movement.”

“Coffee and friends—A perfect blend”

“Why did Tarzan spend so much time on the golf course?”/“He was perfecting his swing.”

“I only practice safe sex in bank vaults”

“Plastic bags are the tumbleweeds of New York City”

“Golfer: I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course” (joke)

“What has three hands, but only one face?”/“A clock.”

“Did you hear about the cannibal policeman who was arrested for grilling his suspects?”

“What is a pirate’s favorite piece of marketing content?”/“A webinAAAAR.”

“Time flies when you throw your watch”

“Today’s good mood is sponsored by coffee”

“If you don’t like tacos, I’m nacho type”

“Coffee and friends are the perfect blend”

“Coffee! If you’re not shaking, you need another cup”

“What is an SEO’s favorite music?”/“Heavy Meta.”

“Coffee: A warm, delicious alternative to hating everybody every morning forever”

“I didn’t choose the mug life. The mug life chose me”

“Coffee and friends make the perfect blend”

“Friendships must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, and shenanigans”

“I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four”

“Time flies when you throw away calendars”

“If I owned a diner I’d have a sandwich called ‘The Usual’ so everyone would feel special”

“If it’s in stock, we have it” (store sign)

“I’ve started cross fit. I cross my fingers and hope my pants fit”

“Time flies when you’re throwing watches”

“I couldn’t work for that man after what he said to me” (joke)

“Boss: You should have been here at 8:30! Employee: Why, what happened at 8:30?”

“Just had lunch at a Christian restaurant called ‘The Lord Giveth.’ They also do takeaways”

“Don’t be shy. Send that 12th unanswered text.—Tequila”

“Why can’t cars play football?”/“Because they only have one boot.”

“Coffee first, your bullshit second”

“Why is a room full of married people empty?”/“Because there’s not a single person in it.”

“What do race horses eat?”/“Fast food.”

“Who’s the greatest chicken-killer in all of Shakespeare?”/“Macbeth. He did murder most foul.”

“Why did the AC compressor sweat?”/“Because it had to run all day.”

“Why did the PowerPoint presentation cross the road?”/“To get to the other slide.”

“Why are sardines so stupid?”/“They lock themselves in a can and leave the key outside.”

“Why do cows wear bells?”/“Because their horns don’t work.”

“A panda bear was frying up some bacon and eggs. It was a frying pan, duh”

“If you ain’t makin’ waves, you ain’t kickin’ hard enough”

“What do race horses eat?”/“Fast food.”

Wiener Wednesday (Weiner Wednesday)

“What does a Chinese bear fry eggs in?”/“A pan, duh!”

“Why did the PowerPoint presentation cross the road?”/“To get to the other slide.”

“What is an SEO’s favorite music?”/“Heavy Meta.”

“What does a panda cook with?”/“A pan, duh!”

“Don’t be shy. Send that 12th unanswered text.—Tequila”

“What do you get from an invisible cow?”/“Evaporated milk.”

“I’m having trouble organizing a Hide and Seek league. Good players are hard to find”

“Does anyone want to buy a broken barometer? No pressure”

“How do you spot a glacier?”/“You have to have good ice sight.”

“Did you hear about the man who invented Polos? They say he made a mint”

“All people are born alike—except Republicans and Democrats”

“Fort Worth is where the West begins, and Dallas is where the East peters out”

Fajita Friday

“I’ve been trying to organize a Hide and Seek tournament, but good players are hard to find”

“Where the East peters out” (Dallas slogan)

“I tried to buy a life insurance policy, but they just laughed and said I need to get a life first”

“What do cannibals eat to freshen their breath?”/“Men toes.”

“Is there life after death? Trespass here and find out” (property sign)

“I did really well on my Roman history test. I got a C”

“Can orphans eat at a family restaurant?”

“How did the hipster drown?”/“He went ice skating before it was cool.”

“101 lemmings walk into a bar…” (bar joke)

“For Christmas, I’ve got my wife a telepathic abacus. It’s the thought that counts”

“Say whatever you want about pedophiles, but at least they drive slowly through school zones”

“Welcome to our ‘ool’. Notice there’s no ‘P’ in it. Let’s keep it that way”

“Would you like to see a model home?”/“Sure! When does she get off work?”

“May your life someday be as awesome as you pretend it is on Instagram”

“Parboiled: Playing a round of golf on a very hot and humid day”

“My favorite ice cream flavor is Charm” (physics joke)

“Why did the chicken cross the road to KFC?”/“To see the chicken strip.”

“Does anyone want to buy a broken barometer? No pressure”

“Why did the chicken cross the road to KFC?”/“To see the chicken strip.”

“If money talks, then mine must have a speech impediment”

“Why did the chef cook his eggs on the golf course?”/“Because he wanted them par-boiled.”

“I’m going to the strip club. The chicken strip club. I mean Chick-Fil-A”

“What do you call corn stuck in a spider-web?”/“Corn on the cob.”

“What’s the hardest thing to sell to a ghost?”/“Life insurance.”

“If you aren’t making waves, you aren’t kicking hard enough”

“What do you get when you cross a police dog with a skunk?”/“Law & odor.”

“Three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, forbid kids from doing it”

“Exercising would be much more bearable with a progress bar”

“The only thing that will survive the apocalypse is student loans”

“The only thing that will survive the apocalypse is student loans”

“The IKEA job interviewer said, ‘Welcome! Come in and make a seat’”

“How to fall down stairs” (a step-by-step guide)

“I’m majoring in pre-rich”

“My fruit and vegetable business has gone into liquidation. We now sell smoothies”