“I failed my math exam. I couldn’t write 1, 1000, 51, 6, and 500 as Roman numerals. IM LIVID”

“Coffee makes everything okayer”

Waffle Wednesday

“I did not see that cumin”

Macaroni Monday

Pre-rich (euphemism for someone who is not rich)

“God has finally answered my prayers for winning the $15 million lottery. The answer is no”

“Why did the rooster cross the road to KFC?”/“To see a chicken strip.”

“Why did the chicken cross the road to KFC?”/“To see the chicken strip.”

“Why did the rooster cross the road to KFC?”/“To see a chicken strip.”

“Where do cars get the most flat tires?”/“Where there is a fork in the road.”

“Why did the rooster cross the road to KFC?”/“To see a chicken strip.”

“Why is chicken the sexiest meat?”/“Chicken strips.”

“Cheat on your girlfriend, not on your workout”

“Cheat on your boyfriend, not on your workout”

“What’s the difference between a candle and a curry?”/“A candle only burns at one end.”

“The G spot is located at the end of the word ‘shopping’”

“Life is like a box of chocolates. I don’t have a box of chocolates”

“Hey girl, are you a school?” (NSFW joke)

“Trade wars are tariffying” (tariff + terrifying)

“Have you got anything smaller?” (taxi joke)

“Nothing tops a plain pizza”

“I am not a shopaholic. I am helping the economy”

“Sweating while shopping counts as exercise”

“Men go shopping to buy what they need. Women go shopping to find out what they want”

“The early bird can have the worm because worms are gross and mornings are stupid”

“Every day may not be good, but there is something good in every day”

“I like my money right where I can see it: hanging in my closet”

“Sweating while you shop counts as exercise”

“Twinkle, twinkle, little star. Point me to the nearest bar”

“Sunsets are proof that endings can be beautiful, too”

“I get nostalgic when reversing my car. It always takes me back”

“The bad news is time flies. The good news is you’re the pilot”

“Sprinkles are for winners”

“A six-sided man walks into a bar…” (bar joke)

“You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown… Doughnuts never do that”

“I didn’t come this far to only come this far”

“Don’t fear failure. Fear being in the exact same place next year as you are today”

“May your life someday be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook”

“My plan for today? Same as always. Drink coffee and be sexy”

“Today’s plan? Drink coffee and be awesome”

“It’s not how big the house is. It’s how happy the home is”

“Look in the mirror. That’s your competition”

“Where’s the best place to buy a gentleman’s hat?”/“Manhattan.”

“Your vibe attracts your tribe”

“My friend is a professional sleeper. He is living the dream”

“My friend is a professional sleep walker. He is living the dream”

“A penny saved is actually more valuable than a penny earned because you don’t pay taxes on it”

“What do you call the formal study of pasta?”/“Linguinistics.”

“A Pokémon Go user walks into a bar…” (bar joke)

“Pop-Tarts are breakfast ravioli”

“Work until you no longer have to introduce yourself”

There are many apples on the tree, but when you pick NYC, you pick the Big Apple (1975)

“Lunchables are MREs for kids”

“The greatest quest in life is to reach one’s potential”

“The problem with having a job is that it gets in the way of being rich”

“What is a ghost boxer called?”/“A phantomweight.”

“Doing your best does not mean working yourself to the point of a mental breakdown”

“Broken trust is like a melted chocolate…”

“It’s a slow process, but quitting won’t speed it up”

“Hustle until you no longer need to introduce yourself”

“Meatballs are just the cupcake versions of meatloaf”

“How many donkeys are there in NYC?”/“Five burros.”

“Hustle until you no longer have to introduce yourself”

“Work until you no longer need to introduce yourself”

“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not that good”

“The opposite of New Orleans is Old Andfat”

“Three vampires walk into a bar…” (bar joke)

“Teachers tell us to follow our dreams, but get mad when we fall asleep in their class”

“What do you call someone who fixes tiny cars?”/“A quantum mechanic.”

“Why did the boy smear peanut butter on the road?”/“To go with the traffic jam.”

“I used to be an expert in the Dunning-Kruger effect. Then I started to learn more about it”

“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”/“Yes, we arson.”

“What do you call a lawyer who becomes a cook?”/“A sue chef.”

“What do you call a cook who becomes a lawyer?”/“A sue chef.”

“Waiting in traffic is like getting in line to go to work”

Graveyard Shift

“Sex is like pizza—even when it’s bad, you still have to pay for it”

“If you work at a cemetery, every shift is a graveyard shift”

WiFry (WiFi + fry); WhyFry (WiFi + why + fry)

“Don’t bring up the past of a person who is trying to improve their future”

“Pigeon government overthrown. There’s been a coo”

“Did you hear about the musician who skipped a bar of silence? He was resisting a rest”

Wi-Fried (Wi-Fi + fried)

“Several upset thespian pigeons decided to stage a coo”

“It may not be PC to say this, but I like Apple products”

Pour le Bois (sandwich) & Pourbois (unsupported “po’ boy” French etymologies)

“The road of life is paved with flat squirrels who couldn’t make a decision”

“I choked on a carrot, and all I could think was ‘I bet a donut wouldn’t have done this’”

“Every day thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians. Help end the violence. Eat bacon”

“Sometimes you have to choose between planting roots and growing wings”

“Happiness is not having to set an alarm for the next day”

“I am not an early bird or a night owl. I am some form of permanently exhausted pigeon”

“I before E except after C has been disproved by science”

“I bought an alcoholic ginger beer. He wasn’t happy about it”

“What do Canadians say when they see a large amount of coffee?”/“That’s a lot, eh.”

“What does a programmer wear?”/“Whatever is in the dress code.”

“I used to hate math, but then I realized decimals have a point”

“The wages of sin are death, but after taxes are taken out, it’s just kind of a tired feeling”

“I’m putting my grades up for adoption because I can’t raise them myself”