“I stopped living paycheck to paycheck. Now I live direct deposit to direct deposit”

“Perfect has seven letters. So does foooood. Coincidence? I think not”

“Good morning. I see the assassins have failed”

“White grape juice is made from green grapes and is yellow”

Jewtropolis (Jew + metropolis)

“Autumn, the year’s last, loveliest smile”

“My favorite color is October”

“Autumn is my favorite color”

“Early sunsets, warm tea, messy hair, big sweaters”

“Happy fall, y’all” (“It’s fall, y’all”)

“You’re never too old to play in the leaves”

“Apparently, the clocks go back in October. I can’t remember where I got mine from!”

“Success is relative. The more success, the more relatives”

“An egg salad sandwich is still technically a chicken salad sandwich”

“Pineapple on pizza is like the country music of pizza”

“Barbers are just hair gardeners”

“Technically, anyone who works in an office is an officer”

“Which came first, the chicken salad sandwich or the egg salad sandwich?”

Big Oyster

“I don’t teach subjects. I teach students”

Wacktivist (wack + activist); Wacktivism

“School bells are ringing loud and clear; vacation’s over, school is here”

“Do your best and forget the rest”

“No brain, no gain, Stay in school”

“Don’t stress. Do your best. Forget the rest”

“Why do people cry on the last day of school? The right time to cry is the first day of school”

“Change the changeable, accept the unchangeable, and remove yourself from the unacceptable”

Parents’ Liberation Day (first day of school)

“What kind of fish goes well with peanut butter?”/“A jellyfish.”

“If avocados and tomatoes are fruits, then guacamole is fruit salad”

“Be curious, not cool”

“The first day of school—the day when the countdown to the LAST day of school begins”

“The sun will rise and we will try again”

“I like hashtags because they look like waffles”

Amazon Washington Post (Washington Post nickname)

The Failing New York Times (New York Times nickname)

“They aren’t making yardsticks any longer”

“Boss: Would you be able to pass a urine test? Me: No problem. Distance or accuracy?”

“I heard a really funny joke at our mandatory meeting at work” (joke)

“Fall is sweater weather, crunchy leaves, and pumpkin spice everything”

“I’m using food in my magic act, crushing garlic, basil and pine nuts, then…pesto!”

“I love you a yacht” (“I love you a whole yacht”)

“If you’ve got it, haunt it”

“What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight?”/“A power failure.”

“Don’t worry, it’s okay to drink white after Labor Day”

“An empty bottle walks into a bar…” (bar joke)

“Collared greens are just well dressed vegetables”

“The belt is the original wearable fitness tracker”

“Window or aisle?”/“Window or you’ll what?”

“College is just the most expensive book club”

“I wonder how many photographers have died after a big block of cheese fell on them” (joke)

“We were so poor when I was young, when we went to KFC we had to lick other people’s fingers”

“You’ll never get rich working at a rubber dog shit factory, but you’ll make doo”

“Me: It’s not about how many times you fall… Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.”

“What club do racist scientists join?”/“The Potassium Potassium Potassium.”

“When in danger, when in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout”

“The punchline comes before the question. What’s the worst part about time traveling jokes?”

“They need to bring back teaching binary in schools. That’s just my 10 cents”

“What happens if the average number of bullies at a school goes up?”/“The mean increases.”

“If you suck at playing the trumpet, that’s probably why”

“Everything happens for a Riesling”

“No champagne, no gain”

“Let’s wander where the WiFi is weak”

“I make pour decisions”

“Hakuna Mimosa. It means it’s brunchtime”

“I donut know what I’d do without you”

“Sip sip hooray” (sip + hip hip hooray)

“If lightning strikes an orchestra, who is most likely to get hit?”/“The conductor.”

“If you are what you eat, do bodybuilders eat mussels?”

“Irony is when you write ‘save trees’ on a piece of paper”

“A bar goes into a guy…” (bar joke)

“The only good time to say ‘I have diarrhea’ is during a game of Scrabble”

“I don’t care for cheese. I’m a curdmudgeon”

“If you are what you eat, do bodybuilders eat mussels?”

“Autumn skies and pumpkin pies”

“If you want the traffic light to turn green, look for something in your glovebox”

“When I grow up, I’d like to be a retired lottery winner”

“Who’s the coolest guy in the hospital?”/“The ultra-sound guy.”

“A pilot is just a flying bus driver”

“Relationships are like wine. They get better with age, or turn to vinegar”

Troy: COB Pizza (cheese-on-bottom)

“Today’s good mood is brought to you by coffee”

“Technically, it’s impossible to skip breakfast”

“My spirit animal is Grey Goose”

“When communists have sex, do they seize the means of reproduction?”

“Jehovah’s Witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween” (joke)

“What did the curtain say to the window?”/“I’ve got you covered.”

“What did the curtain say to the floor?”/“Stop looking under my skirt!”

“Men are like wine; some turn to vinegar, but the best improve with age”

“Men are like wine — age sours the bad and betters the good”

“What type of wine goes well with back to school?”

“High school is like a free trial on education” (college joke)

“If I died and went to hell, it would take me a week to realize I wasn’t at work”

“What does a painter do when he gets cold?”/“He puts on another coat.”

“What type of wine goes well with back to school?”

“I hate it when I lose stuff at school, like my pencils and papers and life ambitions”

“My unicorn ate my homework”

“What’s the heaviest soup in the world?”/“Wonton soup.”

“If you could just rehydrate those raisins, that would be grapes”

“You know you’re drunk when you put food in the microwave and then enter your PIN”