“I can tell if people are judgmental just by looking at them”

“Why is it called a dad bod and not a father figure?”

“Your car’s been keyed. The good news is that the damage looks to B minor”

“How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?” (riddle)

“What’s 12 inches long and hangs in front of an asshole?”/“A lawyer’s tie.”

“All I could get on screen were pics of plates of stew. Turned out to be a wireless hotpot”

“Instagram is just scrapbooking for millennials”

“Hocus pocus, I need coffee to focus”

“I’ve been hitting ‘remind me tomorrow’ on a computer update for the last 68 years”

“All I could get on screen were pics of plates of stew. Turned out to be a wireless hotpot”

“Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than each other”

“Sweet, but twisted. Does that make me a candy cane?”

“As long as we have wine, the holidays will be fine”

“What did I get for Christmas? Fat. I got fat”

“When what to my wondering eyes should appear, but 10 extra pounds on hips, thighs and rear”

“What’s 12 inches long and hangs in front of an asshole?”/“My boss’s tie.”

“The world’s most prolific Facebook user sadly passed away. We shall not see his Like again”

“It’s the most wonderful time to drink beer”

“Why did the tofu cross the road?”/“To prove he wasn’t chicken.”

“Why did the tofu cross the road?”/“To prove he wasn’t chicken.”

“Why does vegan cheese taste bad?”/“It hasn’t been tested on mice.”

“Why do people kill animals?”/“Fur convenience steak”

“I’ve been bored recently so I’ve decided to take up fencing. The neighbors want it back”

“If you stay at the table long enough, the chips come to you”

“Police are hunting a knitting needle murderer. They think he’s following some sort of pattern”

“Most of my clothes have been to countries that I have not”

“I love bowling! It’s the perfect workout. Six seconds of exercise, drink beer half an hour”

“Why did the dog sit in the shade?”/“Because he didn’t want to be a hot dog.”

“What do camels eat to help them fall asleep?”/“Camel meals.”

“Autumn skies and pumpkin pies”

“Somebody just gave me a free air guitar—no strings attached”

“What do you call a witch who only eats sand?”/“Malnourished.”

“I was driving to the airport and saw a sign that said ‘Airport Left,’ so I went back home”

“I wasn’t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere”

“How do you make a motherboard?”/“Tell her a long and pointless story.”

“Pumpkin pie is the closest thing to a vegetable I’ll see until January”

“I told my hot coworker how I felt and she felt the same way. So I turned on the air conditioning”

“My mailman got a sex change. I guess you’d call him a post-man now”

“Dinner is where the magic happens in the kitchen”

“Peace, love & happy hour”

ManhattAnt (Manhattan + ant)

“To beer or not to beer, that’s a stupid question—Shakesbeere”

“Wine Wednesday: like a little holiday in the middle of the week”

“Witch better have my candy”

“Love is ale we need” (“Love is ale you need”)

“A horse walks into a barn…” (bar joke)

“Don’t find time to exercise, make the time to exercise”

“No sweat, no beauty. No squat, no booty”

“Squat because nobody ever wrote a song about a small ass”

“My dad got shot from a cannon. The circus never found another man of his caliber”

“Keep your squats low and your standards high”

“What does illiteracy even mean?”

“Why is the letter ‘C’ afraid of the rest of the alphabet?”/“All the other letters are Not-Cs.”

“If you’re allergic to bananas, do you go into bananaphylactic shock?”

“What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck?”/“Milk and quackers.”

“If you follow your heart just right, it will get you to New York City”

“Wanderlust and city dust”

“My friend tried to convince me ‘whey’ is spelled ‘whfey.’ There’s no f in whey”

“The idea that women only belong in the kitchen is dated. The rest of the house needs cleaning”

“Any pie made with cannabis butter is technically a pot pie”

“The five-second rule doesn’t apply to soup”

“Get stoned. Drink wet cement”

“I got thrown out of the zoo for making a parrot laugh. Polly tickle correctness!”

“At what age do you think it’s appropriate to tell a highway it’s adopted?”

“Split happens” (bowling saying)

“Bowling is basically an hour of drinking beer occasionally interrupted by six seconds of exercise”

“One of the advantages bowling has over golf is that you seldom lose a bowling ball”

“You have been assigned this mountain to show others it can be moved”

Sexocrat (sex + bureaucrat)

“I saw someone pickpocket a dwarf. I don’t know how anyone could stoop so low”

“How does a lawyer stop the bleeding?”/“Attorney-kit.”

“I had a job where I had to put shredded cheese back together. It was de-grating”

Clown News Network (CNN nickname)

“A pirate walks into a bar, and it was at that moment…” (bar joke)

“Amazon fire, Apple air, Google earth—now it’s time for Microsoft water”

“If you have to purchase a VIP ticket for an event, you probably aren’t an actual VIP”

Binghamton: Bingo (nickname)

Oswego: Starch City (nickname)

“I came, I ate, I conquered”

Parlor City (Cedar Rapids, Iowa nickname)

“Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?”

“If a 100 yd dash champion weds a marathon runner, is it a mixed race marriage?”

“I’m allergic to green onions. Every time I eat them, I break out in chives”

“Egg+Mayo=Egg Salad, Potato+Mayo=Potato Salad. Math proves mayo magically turns any food into salad”

“I lost my job making stencils. They said I wasn’t cut out for it”

Italian Hot Dog

Saratoga: Peppermint Pig

Troy: Boston Shake (Boston Milkshake)

“Guns don’t kill people. Dads with pretty daughters do”

“Guns don’t kill people. The government does”