“Beer…because you can’t drink bacon”

“Don’t worry, be hoppy” (beer saying)

“I ran twice today. First I ran out of beer, and then I ran to get some more”

“I don’t drink beer. I drink a wheat smoothie”

“I give in to beer pressure”

“Pizza alone won’t fill the emptiness of your soul. You’ll also need beer”

“Disarming innocent people does not protect innocent people”

“Don’t worry, beer hoppy”

Pork Chops and Applesauce

“Before something great happens, everything falls apart”

“Make today so awesome yesterday gets jealous”

“Be a girl with a mind, a woman with attitude and a lady with class”

“Cry me a river. Build a bridge. Get over it”

“If you think adventure is dangerous, try routine. It’s lethal”

“Why do we use protractors in geometry?"/"Because amateur tractors don’t know what they’re doing!”

“I saw a robin redbreast in Central Park, but it turned out to be a sparrow with an exit wound”

“Sometimes we’re tested. Not to show our weaknesses, but to discover our strengths”

“Sometimes we’re tested, not to show our weakness, but to discover our strength”

“Broken crayons still color”

“Want to stop drunk drivers from killing sober drivers? Ban sober drivers. That’s gun control”

“We are all a little broken. But last time I checked, broken crayons still color the same”

“Chefs are hard-working, talented artists. And we all turn their best efforts into shit”

“Coffee smells like magic and fairy tales”

Times Square in the Sky (Brooklyn Bridge nickname)

“Happy Easter, happy spring, happy happy everything”

“Bunny kisses and Easter wishes”

“Go Round Rock” (Round Rock slogan)

“What do you eat when your Pop Tarts get stuck and break in half?"/"Top Parts.”

“I had donkey meat for the first time. It tasted like ass”

“I thought they said 1.31 miles” (half marathon joke)

“I thought it was 1.31 miles” (half marathon joke)

“If you can read this, I’m not last!” (runner’s T-shirt)

“Alarm clocks, because every morning should begin with a heart attack”

“If you can read this, I’m not going fast enough”

“If you can read this, I’m faster than you”

“There’s a new pie shop near me. It’s open 22/7”

“Spring has sprung, the grass has riz, I wish I were in the chocolate biz! Happy Easter”

“Why didn’t the Easter egg cross the road?"/"Because he wasn’t a chicken yet!”

“How did the egg cross the road?"/"It scrambled across.”

Spring Black Friday

“Why do we color Easter eggs?"/"Because Jesus dyed for your sins.”

“Mondays: The only day you can wear the exact same outfit as yesterday without anyone knowing”

Boys in Blue (New York City Football Club or NYCFC nickname)

Pigeons (New York City Football Club or NYCFC nickname)

Hudson River Derby or New York Derby (New York Red Bulls vs. New York City FC)

New York Derby or Hudson River Derby (New York Red Bulls vs. New York City FC)

Battle of New York (New York Islanders vs. New York Rangers)

Clash of the Boroughs (Brooklyn Nets vs. New York Knicks)

Hudson River Rivalry or Battle of the Hudson River (New Jersey Devils vs. New York Rangers)

Battle of the Hudson River or Hudson River Rivalry (New Jersey Devils vs. New York Rangers)

Hudson River Rivalry or Battle of the Hudson River (New Jersey Nets vs. New York Knicks)

Battle of the Hudson River or Hudson River Rivalry (New Jersey Nets vs. New York Knicks)

“Negative people always have a problem for every solution”

“Stay away from negative people. They have a problem for every solution”

“Failure is not the opposite of success. It is part of success”

“What is the opposite of Microsoft Office?"/"Megahard Onfire.”

“People who say fractions are better than decimals are missing the point”

“Where do naughty rainbows go?"/"Prism.”

“A sign said ‘Lobster Tails $2.’ I paid $2 and was told, ‘Once upon a time there was a lobster…‘“

“You’re going to shit yourself when I tell you the price” (joke)

“My personality is who I am, my attitude depends on who you are”

“It’s not how good you are. It’s how bad you want it”

“Sometimes it’s not about how good you are, but how bad you want it”

“Surely, not everybody was kung-fu fighting”

“He who controls the weather will control the world”

“Freedom of speech is not a license to be stupid”

“Fall off the turnip truck” (to be naive, uninformed)

“Loneliness is the ultimate poverty”

“The worst kind of loneliness is to not be comfortable with yourself”

“Three sewing machines walk into a bar…” (bar joke)

“Two sewing machines walk into a bar…” (bar joke)

“My child, my choice”

“Fall off the turnip wagon” (to be naive, uninformed)

“Clients go to jail and lawyers go to lunch”

“Don’t plant until Mother’s Day” (gardening adage)

“If experience was so important, we’d never have had anyone walk on the moon”

“Treat a password like a toothbrush. Don’t let anybody use it; get a new one every six months”

“The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government”

“My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list. I can’t read a word now”

“If it doesn’t open, it’s not your door”

“Courage doesn’t mean you don’t get afraid. Courage means you don’t let fear stop you”

“Those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it—next semester”

“Life is better with fresh baked cookies”

“Never underestimate the determination of a kid who is time-rich and cash-poor”

“When action meets compassion, lives change”

“There is another side to the pancake” (another opinion or look)

“Opportunity does not knock, it presents itself when you beat down the door”

“What is the best way to cut a musician into tiny pieces?"/"With a band saw.”

“If you lose, be patient. If you win, stay humble”

“How do you make an Italian wine?"/"Kick him in the shins.”

“When you win, say nothing. When you lose, say less”

“If you win, be humble. If you lose, be gracious”

“How do you make Manischewitz wine?"/"Kick him in the nuts.”

“Doctors bury their mistakes; journalists put theirs on the front page”

“What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops?"/"Guardians of the Galaxy.”

“It’s Friday…any plan of being a productive member of society is officially thrown out the window”

“I swim because I’m too sexy for a sport that requires clothes”

“In the pool, life is cool, swimmers rule”

“We swim because we are too sexy for a sport that requires clothes”

“People get hired for what they know and fired for who they are”