“Why did the super villain cross the road?”/“To get to the other sidekick.”

“What do you call an IT teacher who touches up his students?”/“A PDF file.”

“The soccer goalkeeper invited my son and me to a party. It was the father, son and the goalie host”

Collapsing News Network (CNN nickname)

“Holy pepperoni!”

“Why are so few murders solved in the South?”/“No dental records and all the DNA matches.”

“Summer nights and ballpark lights”

“Summer nights and bonfire lights”

“My wife has OCD and arranges dinner plates. It’s a very rare dish order”

“Me and my friends are in a band called ‘Duvet.’ We’re a cover band”

“The mayor from Jaws is still the mayor in Jaws 2. It is so important to vote in local elections”

“Fiesta. Siesta. Tequila. Repeat”

“Fiesta. Siesta. Repeat”

“Tequila. Fiesta. Siesta. Repeat”

“Drink. Hangover. Hydrate. Repeat”

“Dreams taste like cotton candy”

“I never understood school shooting jokes. I guess they’re aimed at a younger audience”

“The only downside to Cinco de Mayo is Seis de Hangover”

“Seis de Mayo sucks ass”

“I relish pickles”

“Sometimes it takes an overwhelming breakdown to have an undeniable breakthrough”

“Having a soft heart in a cruel world is courage, not weakness”

“5 out of 4 people struggle with math”

“The best view comes after the hardest climb”

“I recently opened a restaurant. I guess you could call me an entrée-preneur”

“What do you call a stripper from Malta?”/“A Malteser.”

“4 out of 3 people struggle with math”

“Why shouldn’t you insult an Italian baker?”/“Because he’ll beat the focaccia.”

“Rule #1: The boss is always right. Rule #2: If the boss is wrong, see Rule #1”

“My dad always said, ‘Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.’ Balance: $9.11”

“Attract what you expect. Reflect what you desire. Become what you respect. Mirror what you admire”

“If you’ve survived after hitting rock bottom, hardly anything can scare you”

“When you have hit rock bottom and survived, there are very few things that can scare you”

“Be happy with what you have while working for what you want”

“Are monsters good at math?”/“No, unless you Count Dracula.”

“If a single teacher can’t teach all the subjects, how can a single student learn them all?”

“Sales sells the first car and service sells the rest” (car dealership adage)

“Different strokes for different folks”

“It took me a long time to figure out I’m a slow learner”

“I told my mother-in-law to make herself at home, so she sold the place”

“What do you call it when there is no internet in Russia?”/“Internyet.”

“You have to act quickly during a flood because it’s an emergent sea”

City of Big Shoulders or City of Broad Shoulders (Chicago nickname)

Sin City (Las Vegas, Nevada nickname)

City of Light or Ville Lumière (Paris, France nickname)

Big Smoke (Toronto, Canada nickname)

“What kind of gun doesn’t kill animals?”/“A vegun.”

Colorado: “I wonder if colorblind people read Colorado as just ‘ado’”

“I was accused of illegally downloading the entire Wikipedia. I said I could explain everything”

Gay Bar

Swish Set

Lavender Set

Homo Set

“Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks”

“Repetition makes reputation, and reputation makes customers”

“What do I know about bonsai trees? Very little”

“I feel bad that nobody’s checking up on Coca Cola’s well-being. Everyone asks if Pepsi is okay”

“I went into a restaurant with no shirt or shoes and my phone still worked so take that, sign”

“Why can’t you get cell phone service when you’re naked? No shirt, no shoes, no service”

“The trouble with learning from experience is that you never graduate”

“If people concentrated on the really important things, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles”

“Accomplishing the impossible means only that the boss will add it to your regular duties”

“If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end it would be the Labor Day weekend”

“If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end it would be the Fourth of July”

“If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end it would be Sunday afternoon”

“Autumn is a season followed immediately by looking forward to spring”

“The trouble with the last snowfall of the season is that you can’t be sure”

“Spring is when you feel like whistling even with a shoe full of slush”

“Ice hockey is a form of disorderly conduct in which the score is kept”

“Law of Airlines: The shorter the time between flights, the greater the distance between gates”

“A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your success”

“The trouble with class reunions is that old flames have become even older”

“I come from a family of failed magicians. I’ve got two half-sisters”

“Do not underestimate your abilities. That is your boss’s job”

“If you had fun, you won” (non-competitive sports)

“I want to create a world where the environment doesn’t need protecting”

“What I stand for is what I stand on” (environmental activism)

“What we stand for is what we stand on” (environmental activism)

“What starts with an ‘O’, ends in ‘nions’ and sometimes makes you cry?”/“Opinions.”

“Grandmas are moms with lots of frosting”

“Grandmother—a wonderful mother with lots of practice”

“A grandmother pretends she doesn’t know who you are on Halloween”

“There’s no place like home, except grandma’s”

“It’s such a grand thing to be a mother of a mother — the world calls her grandmother”

“A grandmother is a little bit parent, a little bit teacher, and a little bit best friend”

“A grandmother is a babysitter who watches the kids instead of the television”

“Lose one’s marbles” (to go crazy)

“Grandfathers are for loving and fixing things”

“God couldn’t be everywhere, so he created mothers”

“God couldn’t be everywhere, so he created grandmothers”

“Green is the new red” (“green” climatism is the new “red” communism)

“Welcome back to invisibility class. It’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here”

“There are no jobs on a dead planet”

“A celebrity works hard to be well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized”

“No war but class war” (NWBCW or NWBTCW)

“Today’s problems are yesterday’s solutions”

“Moms are like buttons. They hold everything together”

“Things taste better in small houses”

“Food tastes better in small houses”

“My job as a croupier is ideal”