“TurboTax is the worst video game ever”

“The trouble with today’s taxes is that they keep your take-home pay from ever getting there”

“They say politics makes strange bedfellows, but it’s the taxpayer who has the nightmare”

“Few of us ever test our powers of deduction, except when filling out an income tax form”

“Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study it”

“Why did the accountant cross the road?”/“Because he did it last year.”

Hillbilly (Hill Billy)

“If you can remember Woodstock, you probably weren’t there”

“Three of the hardest things to say: 1. I was wrong, 2. I need help, 3. Worcestershire Sauce”

“Musical puns are my forte”

“We put an awful lot of trust in coffee cup handles”

“Three of the hardest things to say: 1. I was wrong, 2. I love you, 3. Worcestershire Sauce”

“Music puns are my forte”

“Why did the accountant cross the road?”/“So he could claim it on his travel expenses.”

“Why did the accountant cross the road?”/“To bore the people on the other side.”

“You can’t fix stupid”

“Three of the hardest things to say: 1. I’m sorry, 2. You were right, 3. Worcestershire Sauce”

“If you remember the ‘60s, you weren’t really there”

“Coffee, contour and confidence”

“Loud music puns are my forte”

“It takes guts to make a sausage”

Mrs. Astor’s Pet Horse (Mrs. Astor’s Plush Horse)

“Why did the artist cross the road?”/“To see from the other side.”

“An odd day. Found a hat full of money, then got chased by a guy with a guitar”

“What did the Asian parents tell their child? ‘You’re an A-sian, not a B-sian’”

Big Pineapple (Honolulu, Hawaii nickname)

“Wednesday is Latin for ‘it’s almost Friday’”

Poor, Hungry and Determined (“Ph.D.” backronym)

“What did the Asian parents tell their child? ‘You’re an Asian, not a Bsian’”

“If it goes right, it’s a slice. If it goes left, it’s a hook” (golf saying)

“Wednesday (noun): still not Friday”

“Wednesday is Latin for ‘almost Friday’”

FIGMO (Forget It, Got My Orders)

“I keep randomly shouting out ‘Broccoli’ and ‘Cauliflower’—I think I might have florets”

“Never play hide and seek with mountain ranges because they peak”

Big Top (circus)

“I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course. I’m really struggling to get out of it”

“After learning six hours of basic semaphore, I was flagging”

“I’ve got this awful disease where I can’t stop telling airport jokes. Doctor says it’s terminal”

“What does breast milk taste like?”/“Umami.”

“Goodbye, cruel world!” (drinking saying)

“Don’t drink and park. Accidents cause people”

Boston Sour (cocktail)

Whiskey Sour

New York Sour (cocktail)

“Hey, Rube!” (circus cry)

Stooge

“Last call for alcohol” (bar saying)

“College is the new indentured servitude”

“Student loan debt is the new indentured servitude”

“Hard drinker? Drinking’s one of the easiest things to do”

“Sandwiches need chips, shoulders do not”

Baltimore chop (baseball term)

“Chips are for sandwiches, not shoulders”

“You can’t fight city hall” (proverb)

“What do you say to comfort an English teacher?”/“They’re, there, their.”

“Thank God It’s Friday” or “Thank Goodness It’s Friday” (TGIF)

“Thank Goodness It’s Friday” or “Thank God It’s Friday” (TGIF)

“Thank God It’s Almost Friday” or “Thank Goodness It’s Almost Friday” (TGIAF)

“Thank Goodness It’s Almost Friday” or “Thank God It’s Almost Friday” (TGIAF)

“The customer is never wrong” (business motto)

Catbird Seat or Cat Bird Seat (a superior or advantageous position)

“Tearing up the pea patch” (a team is doing very well)

Gippy Tummy or Gyppy Tummy (traveler’s diarrhea)

Delhi Belly (traveler’s diarrhea)

Moctezuma’s Revenge or Montezuma’s Revenge (traveler’s diarrhea)

Aztec Two-Step (traveler’s diarrhea)

Turista (traveler’s diarrhea)