“Cowboys don’t roll joints. They tumble weed”

Moola Shmoola (Moolah Shmoolah; Moola Schmoola; Moolah Schmoolah)

“Adversity doesn’t build character—it reveals it”

Hollyweird (Hollywood + weird)

“Teacher, teacher I declare I see someone’s underwear”

“A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, ‘Hey!’ ...”

Kale (money slang)

Mazuma (money slang)

“You can’t outrun a Motorola”

“I became math teacher to teach subtraction. I just want to make a difference”

“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”/“No sun.”

“Gospel is about God; blues is about women”

“Heavens to Betsy!” (exclamation)

Catskill Mountains: Yiddish Alps (nickname)

Catskill Mountains: Jewish Alps (nickname)

Catskill Mountains: Borscht Belt or Borscht Circuit (nickname)

“My boss fired me for making too many Asian jokes. I feel like this is the end of my Korea”

“The only difference between the U.S. and a banana republic is we don’t grow bananas”

“And on the 8th day God made coffee” (“And on the eighth day God made coffee”)

“Why don’t developers carry guns?”/“They have troubleshooting.”

“I was sitting in traffic the other day. It’s probably why I was run over”

“Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it”

“And on the eighth day God made coffee” (“And on the 8th day God made coffee”)

Gay Nineties (1890s)

“What type of drink makes you lose weight?”/“Lighter fluid.”

Ambulance Chasing

“Buy on the fringe and wait. Buy land near a growing city!”

“It isn’t what happens to you, but how you react to it, that determines your life”

“The best things in life either make you fat, drunk or pregnant”

“The best things in life make you fat, drunk or pregnant”

“The best things in life make you drunk, fat or pregnant”

“What’s the difference between a hot potato and a flying pig?” (joke)

“Truth is the new hate speech”

Chicken Murphy

Shrimp Tetrazzini

“That’s what cheese said”

Steak Murphy

“Big Apple” T-shirts from the Daily News (1975)

“An electrician arrives home at 3 a.m. His wife asks him, ‘Wire you insulate?’”

Chinese Handball

Two-Sewer Man (stickball term)

Hindoo or Hindu (a do-over)

Tuna Tetrazzini

Whatchamacallit (what you may call it)

“What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?”/“Nacho cheese.”

“What do Mexicans eat on the beach?”/“Buried toes.”

“Here’s mud in your eye” (toast)

“Exactly how long is a cotton picking minute?”

Pump and Dump (stock scheme)

“Go for the gusto”

Pea-pickin’ Minute (Pea-picking Minute)

Cotton-pickin’ Minute (Cotton-picking Minute)

“Insert coffee to begin”

“I don’t care if it’s Friday the 13th. I’m just happy it’s finally Friday!”

“Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the whatever”

“Not to brag, but I’ve satisfied every waitress that’s ever served me. With just the tip”

“It may be Friday the 13th, but it is still Friday and a reason to dance”

Spaghetti Tetrazzini

“Up your butt and around the corner through your tubes and out your boobs”

“New York: Tolerant of your beliefs, judgmental of your shoes”

“I was going to start a hillside herb garden, but didn’t have the thyme or the inclination”

“On a New York City subway you get fined for spitting, but you can throw up for nothing”

Doorbell Night (October 30th)

Moving Night (October 30th)

Chalk Night (October 30th)

Soap Night (October 30th)

“We know the location of the Big Apple, but do we know where the Minneapolis?”

“I was very young when I learned to count. It was odd at first, even then”

Corn Night (October 30th)

“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never harm me”

Hellywood (hell + Hollywood)

“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never harm me”

“I’m from New York, where people say ‘you’re welcome’ to remind you to say ‘thank you’”

“Someone asked me for directions, so you can call me a real New Yorker”

“How can anyone not love New York?”

May-December Romance (May and December Romance)

“May and December can never agree” (May and December marriage proverb)

“Do trees poop?”/“Where do you think number 2 pencils come from!”

Gate Night (October 30th)

Maccy D’s (McDonald’s nickname)

Cabbage Night (October 30th)

Hellyweird (hell + weird + Hollywood)

“The government offered to buy my guns from me…” (joke)

“Man who invented the hamburger was smart; man who invented the cheeseburger was a genius”

“I’ve never been able to count to ten in French because of my huit allergy”

Goosey Night (October 30th)

Tinsel Town or Tinseltown (nickname of New York City, then Hollywood)

“What do you call a documentary about trombones?”/“A slide show.”

“What is the least spoken language in the world?”/“Sign language.”

“Close only counts in horseshoes, hand grenades and ballroom dancing”

“Close only counts in horseshoes, hand grenades and slow dancing”

“Close only counts in horseshoes, hand grenades and drive-in movies”

“Who painted Whistler’s mother?” (riddle/joke)

“I just joined the navy out of spite. I’m a petty officer!”

Fuddy-duddy

Mischief Night (October 30th)

Devil’s Night or Devils’ Night (October 30th)

Yannigan

Attaboy

“If everyone in the world was right-handed, then there would be nobody left”