Wrong Island Failroad (Long Island Rail Road or LIRR nickname)

Long Island: Wrong Island Fail Road (Long Island Rail Road or LIRR nickname)

Long Island: Wrong Island Failroad (Long Island Rail Road or LIRR nickname)

Party Pooper

Amcrash (Amtrak nickname)

Amcrap (Amtrak nickname)

Amtrash (Amtrak nickname)

Amquack (Amtrak nickname)

“Don’t forget to drink water and get some sun. You’re basically a houseplant”

“When life knocks you down, roll over, and look at the stars”

“There should be sympathy cards for having to go back to work after vacation”

Long Island Snail Road (Long Island Rail Road or LIRR nickname)

Long Island: Long Island Snail Road (Long Island Rail Road or LIRR nickname)

“There need to be sympathy cards for having to go back to work after vacation”

Long Island Snailroad (Long Island Rail Road or LIRR nickname)

Long Island: Long Island Snailroad (Long Island Rail Road or LIRR nickname)

Texas Twinkies (bacon and brisket wrapped cream cheese-filled jalapeño poppers)

“The more you eat, the more you want” (Cracker Jack slogan)

Lobster Shift (Lobster Trick)

Lobster Trick (Lobster Shift)

“Safe, legal and rare” (abortion saying)

“What’s an ISIS terrorist’s favorite wine?”/“A Zinfidel.”

“Always look on the bright cider life”

“What’s the difference between a velodrome and a palindrome?” (joke)

“Merlot, is it me you’re looking for?”

“I used to walk five miles to and from school, uphill both ways” (parent joke)

“Do you know why it’s called hummus?”/“Because it doesn’t know the words.”

“I eat hummus when I don’t know the words”

“If pessimism were an Olympic sport, I would still not win it”

“Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”

“Notice: We have updated our privacy policy. Our new policy is that you don’t have any”

“The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses”

“The worst part about parallel parking is the witnesses”

“I like my women like I like my Starbucks. Expensive, bitter and calling me by the wrong name”

“Banana nut bread? I didn’t know bananas could do that!”

Liberty Cabbage (sauerkraut)

Liberty Sandwich (hamburger)

Liberty Steak (hamburger)

Freedom Fries (french fries)

Freedom Toast (french toast)

Coincidence Theorist

“Baseball doesn’t sound anywhere near as exciting as acidball”

Fansville

“Today’s Soup: Whiskey with ice croutons”

“Barrel of laughs” (a lot of laughs)

California: Commiefornia (nickname)

“Barrel of fun” (a lot of fun)

“That wasn’t very cash money of you” (not cool)

“Real barrel of laughs” (someone/something not funny)

“Regular barrel of laughs” (someone/something not funny)

Langley Newsletter (New York Times nickname)

Flapper Pie

“I thought a gyroscope helped you find Greek food”

“How do you inspect Greek food?”/“With a gyroscope.”

Wegmaniac (Wegmans + maniac)

“Pardon the weeds. I’m feeding the bees”

“Pardon the weeds. We are feeding the bees”

“I saw a sign: ‘Rest Area 25 Miles.’ That’s pretty big. Some people must be really tired”

“Why was the music teacher angry?”/“Because the kids were always passing notes.”

“The music teacher got irritated because her students kept passing notes”

Simon Says (Simple Simon Says)

“I never drink. I just disinfect internal injuries”

“Whoa, Nelly!” (“Whoa, Nellie!”)

“No biggie” (no big deal)

“What do you call a car that’s covered in leaves?”/“An autumnobile.”

“What do you a call a dinosaur that drinks tea?”/“A Tea-rex.”

“Blind people come to the ballpark just to listen to him pitch”

Title Town or Titletown (usually Green Bay, WI, but also other sports cities)

Toffee Apple

Candy Apple (Red Candy Apple)

Caramel Apple

“I’ve benedicted to Eggs Benedict”

Grand Central of the Jet Age (TWA Terminal/Hotel nickname)

“Why couldn’t the egg quit smoking?”/“Because he’d Benedicted to it.”

“The American people don’t believe anything until they see it on television”

Grand Central of the Jet Age (TWA Terminal/Hotel nickname)