“Sometimes I text while I’m driving. I know it’s dangerous, but I do stupid things when I’m drunk”

YouBoob (YouTube nickname)

Boob Tube (television)

Joker Stairs (1165 Shakespeare Avenue, Bronx)

Complete Bull Shit (CBS nickname)

“An educated citizenry is a vital requisite for our survival as a free people”

Seven Year Itch

“What do you call a nervous javelin thrower?”/“Shakespeare.”

Ballpark Figure (Ball Park Figure; Ball Park Estimate)

Ballpark Estimate (Ball Park Estimate; Ball Park Figure)

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the terms and conditions I do not read”

“Can someone give me a rough idea of how much a ball park would cost?”

“Can someone give me a rough idea of how much a ballpark would cost?”

“In the ballpark” (“In the ball park,” also “In the same ballpark,” “In the right ballpark”)

“Sorry I’m late. Traffic is exactly how it’s been every day and I was not expecting that”

“A bra, car battery and some jumper cables walk into a bar…” (bar joke)

“My friend got fired from his cow milking job. He was a danger to himself and udders”

“It’s risky to buy soda right after an earthquake”

“The gym is the only place where the customers work harder than the employees”

“What did the real estate agent say to the other agent?”/”‘House’ it going?”

“What do you call a turkey on the day after Thanksgiving?”/“Lucky.”

“Notches on one’s bedpost” (sexual conquests)

“I can eat a lot of sweet potatoes because I am polyyamorous”

“Throw the book at him/her” (give the maximum penalty)

Stud Muffin or Studmuffin (an attractive man)

“I’m going off the grid” (said when not taking a phone to the bathroom)

“I took a demolitions class. The first day was a train wreck”

“Someone asked me what my occupation was. I said I was always pre-occupied”

“A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint…” (bar joke)

“Today, I went for a walk with a beautiful girl. Then she noticed me, so we went for a run”

“Retirement kills more people than hard work ever did”

“What may be done at any time will be done at no time”

“I’ll sell my broken watch when the time is right”

“Boss told me to leave my problems at the door when I come to work, so I asked him to stand outside”

“A car is useless in New York, essential everywhere else. The same with good manners”

“Don’t worry about what you eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas…”

Bravo Sierra (b.s., or bullshit)

“I call bravo sierra” (“I call bullshit”)

“The guy who fell off the ferris wheel is at the hospital. He’s in fair condition”

“If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly because communication is key”

“The difference between an alcoholic and a drunk is staggering”

“Do deer like cheese?”/“Fawn do.”

“Don’t throw away cake to start looking for crumbs”

“Don’t look for crumbs when there’s a cake right in front of you”

“Before the movie starts, it’s just 50 people sitting in the dark eating corn”

“Always writing my name in cursive is my signature move”

“For four years, I went to a child psychologist. That kid didn’t help me at all”

“Happiness is homemade”

“Every day and twice on Sunday” (“Six times a week and twice on Sunday”)

“Jeffrey Epstein Didn’t Kill Himself” (EDKH or JEDKH)

“Sharp cheddar is the dark chocolate of cheese”

“I relabeled all the jars in the spice rack at home. I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin”

“Name three things that don’t hang themselves.”/“Christmas ornaments, drywall and Jeffrey Epstein”

“I write songs about sewing machines. I’m a Singer songwriter”

“What does Thanksgiving have in common with Halloween?”/“Gobble-ins!”

“What do Thanksgiving and Halloween have in common?”/“One has gobblers, the other goblins.”

“Name is mud” (one is discredited or unpopular)

“It gets greater later” (motivational saying)

“What do you call a turkey after Thanksgiving?”/“Lucky.”

“It’ll get greater later” (motivational saying)

“It’ll be greater later” (motivational saying)

“A really big shew” (The Ed Sullivan Show)

“Black Friday special! Stay at home and save 100%”

“The apple never falls far from the tree” (proverb)

“‘I have a split personality,’ said Tom, being Frank”

“‘I have multiple personality disorder,’ said Tom, being Frank”

“What did the fisherman say to the magician?”/“Pick a cod, any cod.”

“A scared nickel never made a dime” (business adage)

Capisce (Italian for “understand”)

Capeesh (Italian for “understand”)

Kapeesh (Italian for “understand”)

“Luck is for losers” (sports adage)

Twatter (Twitter nickname)