“Yoga is just trying not to fart while stretching”

“I used to be a lifeguard until some blue kid got me fired”

“Nothing is as effective as homeopathy”

“Stats show that the average person has sex 89 times a year. Looks like i’m in for a wild December”

Ohio: “Where’s Engagement, Ohio?”/“Somewhere between Dayton and Marion.”

“‘I only have diamonds, clubs and spades,’ said Tom heartlessly”

“None of your beeswax” (beeswax = business)

“I can tell if people are judgemental just by looking at them”

“I did not hear the question, but the answer is definitely coffee”

“Mind your own beeswax” (beeswax = business)

“So many people these days are too judgmental. I can tell just by looking at them”

“Real estate agents imply the existence of fake estate agents”

“What do you call a Buddhist potato?”/“A medi-tater.”

“There is a cure for buffetphobia, but first you’ve got to want to help yourself”

“What do you call a Buddhist potato?”/“A chipmonk.”

“I can’t stand when people kick me in the back of the leg”

“Could anyone give me a fern? (Asking for a frond)”

“What lottery did the broom win?”/“The sweepstakes.”

“I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them”

“I can tell people are judgemental just by looking at them”

“So many people these days are too judgemental. I can tell just by looking at them”

“Why are fish easy to weigh?”/“They have their own scales!”

“My high school was so small we had driver’s ed and sex ed in the same car”

“There is many a good tune played on an old fiddle” (proverb)

“I never realized how short a month was until I started paying bills”

“What’s red, white, black and blue?”/“Uncle Sam falling down the stairs.”

“I never realized how short a month is until I started paying bills”

“What did the complementary angle say to the isosceles triangle?”/“Nice legs.”

“I’m glad I learned about parallelograms in high school instead of how to do my taxes”

“I remember when I was poor. I’m still poor that’s why I remember so well”

“How can you tell which one of your friends got a good Black Friday deal?” (joke)

“Knock, knock.” / “Who’s there?” / “Diploma.”

“Once I got a job, I realized mom was right. We do have food at home”

“Once I started spending my own money, I realized mom was right. We do have food at home”

“What yoga really is: spending an entire hour trying not to fart”

“Paid my bills for the month. Anyone have any good recipes for water?”

“Snowflakes are winter’s butterflies”

“Origami is the new woodworking”

“Sugar is the cocaine of the food industry”

“Sugar is the cocaine of the food world”

“Technically, origami is a kind of woodworking”

“The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree is the presence of a happy family”

“Honestly, I don’t mind leg day at the gym. It’s just the two days after that I can’t stand”

“Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!” (joke)

“Sign in a local hospital: ‘From all of us here at the Dermotology Department - Merry Eczemas’”

“Hangovers are temporary. Drunk stories are forever”

“Why did the clock get kicked out of the library?”/“It tocked too much.”

“Hangovers are temporary. Memories are forever”

“Always dress like it’s the best day of your life”

“To be fair, I should stay out of the sun”

“What has 15 actors, four settings, two writers, and one plot?”/“632 Hallmark movies.”

“Sugar is the cocaine of the masses”

Big Apple logo for New York Urban League (1981-present)

“A computer keyboard is a word piano”

“A snowflake is winter’s butterfly”

“There’s snow place like home”

“Eat, drink, and be cozy”

“When life gives you snow, make snow angels”

“Eat my powder” (skiing saying)

“There’s snowplace like home”

“Why did the non-binary prospector move to California?”/“There was gold in them/their hills”

“Have your people call my people” (business saying)

“Beat the pants off” (to defeat completely)

“When the whole world has gone vegan, no one will expect the Spinach Inquisition!”

“I’m sick of vegans interrogating me about my eating habits. It’s like the spinach inquisition!”

“The future belongs to those who build it”

“Building Seven didn’t demolish itself”

“Building 7 didn’t demolish itself”

“Water uses cloud storage”

“Building 7 didn’t kill itself”

“Building Seven didn’t kill itself”

“When I was your age, I had to walk through 10 feet of shag carpet to change the TV channel”

“My life is just a series of awkward and humiliating moments separated by snacks”

“My life is just a series of awkward moments separated by snacks”

“Stop posting your problems on Twitter and drink alcohol like the rest of us”

“Stop posting your problems on social media and drink alcohol like the rest of us”

“Adulting is soup and I am a fork”

“Stop posting your problems on Facebook and drink alcohol like the rest of us”

“What do you call a mouse that swears?”/“A cursor.”

“What do you call a computer mouse that swears?”/“A cursor.”

“Grapefruit is a fruit named after a fruit”

“Skylines are bar charts of a city’s wealth”

“How does a cowboy start his day?”/“He reboots.”

“Damn, this year went by so fast I didn’t get a chance to lose weight”

“I paused my game to be here” (gaming saying)

“Are you putting the Christmas tree up yourself?”/“No, I’m going to put it up in the living room!”

“Am I going to put the Christmas tree up myself? No, I’m going to put it up in the living room!”

“A fireman runs into a school clutching a screwdriver and shouts, ‘This is not a drill!’”

“Some herbs taste much better at Christmas. It’s the most wonderful thyme of the year”

“What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?”/“You’re too young to smoke.”

“What’s a cow’s favorite TV show?”/“Graze Anatomy.”

“Let’s put the wheat where the goats can eat it”

“Bottled water companies don’t produce water, they produce plastic bottles”

“Do not drink and wrap presents. Also, if anyone gets a remote for Christmas…”

“Today in veterinary class we learned that cows have four stomachs…” (joke)

“If you don’t use fast food napkins as Kleenex in your car…”

“If you think your microwave spying on you is bad, your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt”

“What do you call a zombie who stir fries?”/“Dead Man Wokking.”

“If you think your microwave and your TV spying on you is bad…” (joke)

“Don’t be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you…” (joke)