“Taxes are essentially just a yearly subscription to the country you live in”

“Why did the mathematician work from home?”/“Because he could only function in his domain.”

“I want to make pancakes, but I keep waffling”

“A priest, a minister and a rabbit walk into a blood bank…” (bar joke parody)

“People eat meat and think they will become as strong as an ox, forgetting that the ox eats grass”

“I cried when my dad chopped Onions. Onions was a good dog”

“I think every morning that I’m going to make pancakes, but I keep waffling”

“My kids threw up when I told them I’d put Ginger in the curry. They really loved that cat”

“I refuse to drink tap water till it’s gone though my Brita filter that I haven’t changed”

“An apple a day is bullshit. Apples are dangerous. Just look at Eve, Snow White…”

“A female janitor asked if I’d do some weed with her. I can’t deal with high maintenance women”

“You Matter. Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared. Then you Energy”

“An apple a day is nonsense. Apples are dangerous. Just look at Eve, Snow White…”

“Don’t be mad at lazy people. They didn’t do anything”

“You Matter. Until you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared. Then you Energy”

“Janitors who work in skyscrapers are high maintenance”

“Who called them ’surgical masks’ instead of ’coughy filters’?”

“The main function of the little toe is to make sure that all the furniture is in place”

“Don’t be mad at lazy people. They haven’t done anything”

“Not sure why society seems to hate lazy people. They didn’t even do anything”

“Why do society hate lazy people? They didn’t even do anything”

“Please stop the hate on the lazy people. They didn’t do anything at all”

“Nutrition labels should have a ‘What if I ate the whole damn thing?’ section”

“Sometimes I get road rage walking behind people in the grocery store”

“What does an atheist do when he drives up behind a car with a ‘Honk if you love Jesus’ sticker…”

“Nutritional labels should include a ‘What if I ate the whole damn thing?’ section”

“I never thought I’d be the kind of person who’d wake up early in the morning to exercise…”

“Imagine an atheist stuck at a green light behind a car with a ‘Honk if you love Jesus’ sticker”

“Sometimes I get road rage walking behind people at the grocery store”

“The fact that my entire body cracks like a glowstick whenever I move yet refuses to glow…”

“I went to a family restaurant and they refused to serve me a family”

“The sign in my hotel room said, ‘Not responsible for stolen items.’ So I stole some stuff”

“When you pay for things with a credit card, you’re paying with your future earnings”

“May your weekend be full of adventure and cheer; may the start of next week be long ways from here”

“What do you call a retired miner?”/“Doug.”

“If you eat too much prison chili, you might lose your right to remain silent”

“Our restaurant’s snails are world-famous.”/“I know, one of them’s just been serving me.”

“Harry Potter walks into a bar…” (bar joke)

“When you pay with a debit card, you’re paying with your past earnings”

“Your debit card pays for things with past hours of your life”

“Your credit card pays for things with future hours of your life”

“Truth sounds like hate to those who hate truth”

“Truth sounds like hate to those who hate the truth”

“Math is the source code of the universe. Physics is the anti-cheat of the universe”

“Mathematics is the source code of the universe”

“If we had some ham,  we could have ham and eggs—if we had some eggs”

“Why did Karen press Ctrl+Alt+Del?”/“She wanted to see the task manager.”

“If I had some bread, I could make a ham sandwich—if I had some ham”

“May your blessings outnumber the shamrocks that grow, and may trouble avoid you wherever you go”

“Remember last year on St. Patrick’s Day? Yeah, me neither”

“How do you ask out a D&D player?”/“Ask them for a D8.”

“May the wind at your back not be the result of the corned beef and cabbage you had for lunch”

“If I had some ham,  I could have ham and eggs—if I had some eggs”

“At the stroke of midnight, Neil wept softly, cradling the sour cream as it expired”

“My superiority complex is better than yours”

“If I had some ham, I could make a ham sandwich—if I had some bread”

“My wife volunteers as a school crossing guard. I tell everyone she’s into human trafficking”

“A stoner, a Jedi and a surgeon walk into a bar…” (bar joke)