“Coronavirus is canceling everything but my bills”

“Walked into a post office and saw people wearing masks. Fortunately, it was just a robbery”

“Person with autism on board” (vehicle sign)

“The subway is just a moving waiting room”

“Walked into a bank today and saw people wearing masks. Fortunately, it was just a robbery”

“You want to hear an Ebola joke? You probably won’t get it”

“Passenger with autism on board” (vehicle sign)

“Back in my day…there was so much toilet paper, people were stringing it up in the trees”

“You want to hear a coronavirus joke? You probably won’t get it”

“Coronavirus be canceling everything but my bills”

“Due to panic purchasing, Walmart has opened a second checkout lane”

“Breakfast is the best alarm”

“This asparagus is just a spear, I guess”

“In my day, the only time we started panic buying was when the barman shouted ‘last call’”

“The smell of breakfast is the best alarm clock”

“Despite a valiant effort by my dog from our window, our neighbor has entered his own home”

“Due to panic purchasing, Walmart has opened a second register”

“Back in my day, the only time we started panic buying was when the bartender yelled ‘last call’”

“Back in my day…there was so much toilet paper, people used to string it up in the trees”

“You want to hear a Social Security joke? You probably won’t get it”

“Why haven’t aliens visited our solar system yet?”/“They looked at the reviews. Only 1 star.”

“A cable TV installer walks into a bar…” (bar joke)

“Do you like pinochle otters?” (The Piña Colada Song mondegreen)

“What do you get when you eat 3.14 slices of cake?”/“Diabetes.”

“Crazy times we are living in. I used to cough to hide a fart. Now I fart to hide a cough”

“If a morgue worker dies they’d still need to come in to work one more time”

“If you like pinochle otters…” (The Piña Colada Song mondegreen)

“You are [acute] [tea] [pi]” (a cutie pie)

“I don’t usually brag about my drum jokes, but um…tss”

“Do you know why people are buying up all the toilet paper? Because people are losing their shit”

“Stop killing fish for their fingers” (fake protest sign)

“Doctor, doctor, I feel like a carrot.”/“Don’t get yourself in a stew.”

“You know that stash of food napkins in your glove box? It’s their time to shine”

“I always give 100%. Which is why I lost my job as an exam marker”

“The coronavirus? I’m not shaking hands because people are out of toilet paper”

“Home schooled kids still have school” (snow/virus school closure joke)

“What do you call old guacamole?”/“Guacamoldy.”

“I’m deeply disturbed by how many people seem to see washing their hands as a new thing”

“What do you call an expired avocado?”/“Guaca-moldy.”

“Suddenly, staying at home in underwear doing nothing is the most proactive thing you can do”

“Life is like toilet paper. You’re either on a roll or taking crap from some asshole”

“Adult with autism on board” (vehicle sign)

“Life is like toilet paper. You’re either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole”

“Paranoia has reached absurd stages. I sneezed on my laptop and the anti-virus started a scan”

“My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes…” (joke)

“Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer you get to the end, the faster it goes”

“I never thought I would see the day when weed was easier to get than toilet paper”

“Child with autism on board” (vehicle sign)

“Right now in America, it is easier to get an AR-15 than toilet paper”

“My friend is making easy money by selling pictures of salmon dressed in human clothes…” (joke)

“Recipe for an atomic salad: protons, neutrons, electrons and croutons”

“Pandemic jokes are the funniest because everyone gets it”

“Just tried to buy toilet paper, but the grocery store’s supply was wiped out”

“The atomic structure of salad is proton, neutron, electron and crouton”

“Buses have the route number on the back so you can confirm that it was your bus you just missed”

“Ok, so if the Corona virus isn’t about beer, why do I keep hearing about cases of it?”

“Everything is cancelled. You know what’s not cancelled? Laundry. Laundry is never cancelled”

“Yo mama is so fat, the government cancelled her for being a mass gathering”

“Pandemic jokes are only funny if everyone gets it”

“Our cleaning lady just called and told us she will be working from home”

Plandemic (planned + pandemic)

“The toilet paper ‘crisis’ confirms that we have more assholes than we thought”

“A bus is like a moving waiting room”

“What kills coronavirus?”/“Ammonia cleaner.”/“Sorry, I thought you worked here.”

Plandemic (plans + pandemic)

“We are about 3 weeks away from knowing everyone’s true hair color” (pandemic joke)

“What gets rid of grime and stains?”/“Ammonia cleaner.”/“Sorry, I thought you worked here.”

“If I don’t find a pot of gold today, I’ll settle for a pot of coffee”

“I think it’s great that people are finally going to drink water, wipe their ass, and wash hands”

“How come liquor stores don’t have empty shelves? People are about to be quarantined with spouses”

“I wanted to do panic buying, I checked my account… I can only panic”

“A guy named Bart walks into a bar…” (bar joke)

“Since everyone’s now washing their hands, we’ll be working on shapes & colors next week”

“I’m having a quarantine party this weekend! None of you are invited”

“The Quarantini. It’s just a regular martini, but you drink it all alone in your house”

Panicdemic (panic + pandemic)

Quarantini (quarantine + martini)

“Nail Salons-Closed. Hair Salons-Closed. Lash Salons-Closed. It’s about to get real ugly out here”

“Dear taco trucks, Please consider cruising the neighborhoods like ice cream trucks”

“I wanted to do some panic buying today, but after checking my bank account all I can do is panic”

“Even BINGO got cancelled. This has never happened B4”

“Even BINGO got canceled! This has never happened B4”

“We are entering an era of unprecedented recipe substitutions”

“Gas is finally affordable and we have nowhere to go”

“Gas is finally affordable and we have no where to go”

“Gas is finally affordable and we can’t go anywhere”

“Due to the quarantine… I’ll only be telling inside jokes”

Kung Flu (kung fu + flu)

1400+ Coronavirus (COVID-19) pandemic quotes, jokes, riddles, puns, pickup lines, memes, etc., Pt. 1

“All countries got Coronavirus eventually, but China got it right off the bat”

“Since we’re all in quarantine, I guess we’ll be making only inside jokes from now on”

Infodemic (information + epidemic)

Plannedemic (planned + pandemic)

“Every disaster movie starts with the government ignoring a scientist”

“How do you say goodnight to a tortilla chip?”/“Buenos Nachos!”

“Every disaster movie starts with someone ignoring a scientist”

“Coughing in public is the new speaking Arabic at airports”

“Now is not the right time to surround yourself with positive people” (virus joke)

“Every disaster movie starts with the president ignoring a scientist”

“They said a mask and gloves were enough to go to the grocery store…” (virus joke)