“At the start of every disaster movie there’s a scientist being ignored”

“The kids asked what was for dinner and I told them ‘Scraps’”

“Save Grand Central. No more bites out of the Big Apple!” (1975)

“I’m wondering… What should I wear to the couch tonight?” (quarantine joke)

Center for Death Control (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention or CDC nickname)

Center for Death and Corruption (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention or CDC nickname)

Center for Death and Chaos (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention or CDC nickname)

Covidiot (COVID-19 + idiot)

Can’t Do Crap (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention or CDC nickname)

“When this is all over, please continue to stay at least 6 feet away from me” (social distancing)

“Why is it called a tablespoon when it’s not made of tables, nor do you use it to eat tables?”

“So many coronavirus jokes are going viral, it’s a real pundemic!” (pun + pandemic)

New York Tough (#NewYorkTough)

“I ran out of toilet paper, so have begun using old newspapers… The Times are rough”

Flu Manchu (flu + Fu Manchu)

“I tried to come up with a joke about social distancing. This is as close as I could get”

“Time to change from my daytime pajamas to my nighttime pajamas” (quarantine joke)

“Getting ready to change from my daytime pajamas into my nighttime pajamas”

“A frog walks in to a bar and orders a ‘Wodka’...” (bar joke)

“I need to practice social distancing from the refrigerator”

“I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins…” (joke)

“Someone keeps putting vegetables in the beer crisper”

“Welcome to Austin. Please don’t move here (I hear Dallas is great!)”

Texas Rain Gauge (upside down bottlecap)

“The four seasons of Texas: January, Summer, Summerer, Christmas”

“Lubbock, Texas is so flat that if you stand on a penny you can see Dallas!”

“Nachos as big as your ass” (restaurant sign)

“Burritos as big as your head” (restaurant sign)

“Never mind the dog. Beware of owner!” (property sign)

“I believe in God and guns. Trespass and you will meet both” (property sign)

“Please be patient with the bartender. Even a toilet can handle only one asshole at a time”

“Panic buying ice cream & tinned fruit? Are you planning to self isolate for a month of sundaes?”

“Anything I say before coffee cannot be used against me”

“A brunch without booze is just a sad, late breakfast”

“I really hope mailmen don’t start getting the Coronavirus. They’re really good carriers”

“America isn’t the stupidest country in the world. Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest”

“Many parents are about to discover that the teacher was not the problem” (homeschool)

“Maybe they should call it the Squirrel Flu because everyone is nuts and hoarding everything”

“No one in Antarctica has COVID-19. It’s because they are ice-o-lated”

“What’s the opposite of isolate?”/“You so early.”

“What’s the opposite of isolate?”/“I so early.”

“The opposite of isolate is isoearly”

“The opposite of isolate is yousoearly”

“My mom always told me I wouldn’t accomplish anything by lying in bed all day…” (joke)

“I’ve noticed a lot of you are not posting selfies anymore since the beauty salons have closed”

“Have you noticed that since all the beauty salons have closed, nobody’s taking selfies?”

“I’ll tell you a coronavirus joke now, but you’ll have to wait two weeks to see if you got it”

“The World Health Organization has said dogs are immune to COVID-19. WHO let the dogs out”

“Why do they call it the novel coronavirus? It’s a long story…”

“Wow.. bars, clubs, and gyms all closed? My life is about to seriously be exactly the same”

“Now Showing: No Close Encounters of Any Kind” (quarantine movie joke)

“Day 6 of quarantine. Preparing to take out the garbage. So excited can’t decide what to wear”

Isolationship (isolated + relationship)

“Got a cold and it’s making me purchase new vehicles each day. Must be the ‘car owner’ virus”

“I’m so happy I don’t drive. Especially with all this car owner virus going around”

Car Owner Virus (“coronavirus” malapropism)

“What’s way more dangerous than the coronavirus? The belief that government cares about you”

“The only non-essential business is government”

“Meatloaf is a rectangular meatball”

“One of the great things about cooking your own food is the certainty that any hair in it is yours”

“They say keep your friends close, but your enemies closer… *coughs*”

“Proofreading is impotent”

“Proofreading is impotant”

“Toilet paper hoarding explained: Some people will be eating their own cooking”

“If you have a threesome, you have the recommended six feet between you”

“TP hoarding explained: Some people will be eating their own cooking for the first time in years”

“Can’t wait til tomorrow. I have another big day of hand washing & looking out the window planned”

“Just to be clear, we have all agreed that liquor stores are ‘essential’ and schools are not”

“CONTAGIOUS in a sentence: it will take the CONTAGIOUS to finish painting her house with a brush”

“If the coronavirus doesn’t take you out, can I?”

“If coronavirus doesn’t take you out, can I?”

“If COVID-19 doesn’t take you out, can I?”

“Hey Babe! Can I ship you a drink?” (socially distancing pickup line)

“Is that hand sanitizer in your pocket or are you just happy to be within 6 feet of me?”

“I saw you from across the bar. Stay there” (social distancing pickup line)

“I’m just a girl, standing 6 feet away from a boy. Asking him to maybe move back another foot”

“Since all the public libraries are closed, I’m checking you out instead” (pickup line)

“Without you, my life is as empty as the supermarket shelf”

“You can’t spell virus without U and I” (pickup line)

“You can’t spell virus without us” (pickup line)

“Baby, do you need toilet paper? Because I can be your Prince Charmin” (pickup line)

“You can’t spell quarantine without ‘u r a q t’” (pickup line)

“People who are quarantining in jeans: what are you trying to prove”

“I think my coworkers are gay. Every time I walk by they mumble, ‘What an ass!’”

“Coronavirus is like pasta. Made by Chinese. Spread by Italians. Supersized by Americans”

“A man doesn’t walk into a bar…” (bar joke, told during COVID-19 bar closures)

“A man doesn’t walk into a pub…” (pub joke, told during COVID-19 pub closures)

Quaranteen (quarantine + teen)

Quaranteenager (quarantine + teenager)

Quarantween (quarantine + tween)

“One day in 2033, we shall witness the rise of THE QUARANTEENS”

“Why did the man attach a rocket to a deer?”/“He wanted to make a quick buck.”

“Anyone know what whiskey barrels are made of? Casking for a friend”

“Kinda starting to understand why pets try to run out of the house when the front door opens”

“If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on, too”

“WTF do you unemployed people do all fucking day? I’m going insane” (quarantine)

Social Disdancing (social distancing + dancing); DisDancing

Quarantune (quarantine + tune)

“It could be worse, you could be quarantined with me”

Coveard (COVID-19/coronavirus + beard)