“Animals are here with us, not for us”

“What do you call karate for amputees?”/“Partial Arts.”

“Fencing: The perfect Covid-19 sport. 1. masks 2. gloves 3. closer than 6ft, you stab them”

“Making a mask mandatory after 2 months of pandemic is like wearing a condom after she’s pregnant”

“My COVID-19 is the most weight I’ve gained since my Freshman 15”

“The Department of Health is seeking married people to educate on social distancing”

“Eat beans, not beings”

Namaske (namaste + mask)

“A piece of fruit held up a bank and stole some money. It was a strobbery”

“I like my women how I like my Covid…” (NSFW joke)

“I like my women how I like my Coronavirus…” (NSFW joke)

“An alpaca had a parasite removed from around its mouth. It was alpaca lip tick”

“Don’t get Covid-19. They are releasing Covid-20 in September and it’s much better”

“Irony is drawing a tree on paper, with a pencil, on a wooden desk, in a wooden house, in the woods”

“No Shirt, No Shoes, No Mask, No Service” (business sign)

“My wife is leaving me because of my Star Wars obsession. I said, ‘May divorce be with you’”

“No Shoes, No Shirt, No Mask, No Service” (business sign)

“Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peak-a-boo accident?”/“To the I.C.U.”

“I accidentally bought too many art supplies. I’m having an excess stencil crisis”

“When you’re not even done with Covid-19 and China releases Covid-20 Pro max”

“The world is now Vegas. Everybody’s losing money, it’s acceptable to drink at all hours…”

“Homeschool Day One: Wondering how to get this kid transferred out of my class”

“How do you make a tuna melt?” (joke)

“Gardening season is off to a great start: I planted myself in front of a TV…”

“The world is now Vegas. Everyone is losing money, it’s acceptable to drink at all hours…”

“The only time a fisherman ever tells the truth is when he calls another fisherman a liar”

Big Harma (Big Pharma + harm)

“Coffee filters can be used as toilet paper, but it does change the taste of the coffee”

ZioHedge (Zionism/Zionist + Zero Hedge)

Big Pharma

“The only time a politician tells the truth is when speaking about their opponents”

“A lawyer is someone who writes an 80-page document, and calls it a ‘brief’”

“The only time a hunter tells the truth is when he calls another hunter a liar”

“The lonely Trekkie at a Star Wars convention was looking for love in Alderaan places”

“Semiconductor: A part-time orchestra leader”

“The only time a golfer tells the truth is when he calls another golfer a liar”

“I’m still single on Star Wars Day. Apparently I’ve been looking for love in Alderaan places”

“The only time a politician tells the truth is when he says that the other politician is a liar”

“How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for his birthday?”/“He felt his presents.”

“What do you call a part-time orchestra leader?”/“A semi-conductor.”

“Liberal media is the virus”

“Fake news media is the virus”

“MSM is the virus”

“Media is the real virus”

“The media is the virus”

“Origami Bank has folded. Sumo Bank has gone belly up. Bonsai Bank plans to cut back branches”

“Social media is the virus”

COVID-1984 (COVID-19 + Nineteen Eighty-Four)

“If you use a stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing…”

“Mainstream media is the virus”

“Who decided to call them ‘murder hornets’ and not ‘buzzkills’?”

“They wouldn’t need to censor us if we were wrong”

“Is there a tax I can pay to stop Covid-19, or does that logic only apply to global warming?”

“When the murder hornets take a life, do they call it a buzzkill?”

“What are murder hornets and how much toilet paper do we need to buy?”

1400+ Coronavirus (COVID-19) pandemic quotes, jokes, riddles, puns, pickup lines, memes, etc., Pt. 4

LMFMO (Laughing My Fucking Mask Off)

“Is there a tax I can pay to stop Covid-19, or does that only work for climate change?”

“Masks are the new bra…”

“Pretty wild how we used to eat cake after someone had just blown air from their mouth onto it”

“If sheep could vote, they’d pick the guy who feeds them”

“In Pagan cultures, during a plague, the ruler could be sacrificed to the gods”

“I’ve come to the conclusion buying art supplies and actually using them are two separate hobbies”

“Washes his hands. Always wears a mask. Rearrange the letters in Racoon and it spells CORONA!”

We Hide Outbreaks (World Health Organization or WHO nickname)

“I’ve come to the conclusion buying craft supplies and actually using them are two separate hobbies”

“What does a government do once it has disarmed its citizens? Whatever it wants”

“In Pagan times, during a plague, the ruler could be sacrificed to the gods”

“If you wear jeans 5 days in a row, they become all baggy and it looks like you’re losing weight”

LMMO (Laughing My Mask Off)

“The Powerball Jackpot is now up to a 24 pack of Charmin”

“We’ve raised our standards, so up yours!”

“I’m so tempted to do a musical joke. But I’ll refrain”

“I could sing a verse for you. But I’ll refrain”

“A small meteorite is reportedly headed for Legoland. The damage is expected to be 50 square blocks”

“What do you call a cough that attracts a lot of attention?”/“Phlegm-boyant.”

“Bacon is the duct tape of food”

“Can’t wait for the day I walk down the aisle and hear those magical words: ‘Captain speaking…’”

“I wiped my TV screen with anti-virus wipes. I lost CBS News, ABC News, NBC News, MSNBC, and CNN”

“There’s no such thing as government funded. It’s all taxpayer funded”

“Corona is an anagram of racoon” (raccoon, as in Resident Evil’s Raccoon City)

“The House That Tex Built” (Madison Square Garden, 1925-1968)

“Why did the cat cross the road?”/“It wanted to play animal crossing.”

“The House That Tex Built” (Boyle’s Thirty Acres)

“I had my patience tested. I’m negative”

“If I hid a handgun in a bowl of guacamole, would it be called glockamole?”

“People must not cough near you, they must cough far away…” (“far cough”)

Cornteen (quarantine)

Covidiocracy (COVID-19 + idiocracy)

“Ice cubes float in a pool of their own blood”

“Well slap my ass and call me a paycheck because I’m never enough”

“Sex is like math. Add the bed, subtract clothes, divide legs, and pray you don’t multiply”

“How do locomotives hear?”/“Through the engineers.”

Covert Operation Viral Infectious Disease (COVID-19 backronym)

“Are you a pole vaulter?”/“No. I am German but how did you know my name was Walter?”

“To make us love our city, we must make our city lovely” (Municipal Art Society motto)

“Baking cakes can be considered math, science or art”

“The plan will be a phased plan that we plan to utilize in phases”

“Baking cakes can be considered math, science or art” (for homeschooling)

Covert Operation Via Infectious Disease (COVID-19 backronym)