“When you let governments do whatever they want, you get Auschwitz”

“When you let governments do whatever they want, you get Waco”

“I hate Russian dolls. They’re so full of themselves”

“Sex is like math. I don’t get it”

“To the person who stole my glasses, I will find you. I have contacts”

“I can’t drink responsibly because responsibilities are why I drink”

Controllavirus (control + coronavirus)

Controlavirus (control + coronavirus)

“FYI: wearing a mask with your nose sticking out is like wearing a condom with the tip cut off”

“I finished Netflix today”

Social Media Distancing (social media + social distancing)

“Practice social media distancing”

“Nobody’s heard from the Zamboni drivers since the NHL cancelled their season” (joke)

“What’s the difference between jam and jelly?”/“You can’t get stuck in a traffic jelly.”

“Practice media distancing”

“You never realize how anti-social you are until there’s a pandemic and your life doesn’t change”

“The astronomer’s research project didn’t win a Galaxy Award, but he received a constellation prize”

“2020: The year your wheelie bin goes out more than you”

“Travel plans: To the window, to the wall, then I might go down the hall”

“What can the coronavirus do that the U.S. government can’t?”/“Stop school shootings.”

“Spilling Parmesan all over my laptop gives a whole new meaning to Mac ‘n’ Cheese”

“The car manual says that I shouldn’t turn up the stereo to full volume. That’s sound advice”

“If we’re going to have one way grocery aisles, I’m going to need a passing lane”

“What do you call a gang of 19 crows?”/“Corvid-19.”

“My grandad asked me how to print on his computer. I told him it’s Ctrl-P” (joke)

“What do you call a participation trophy in astronomy?”/“A constellation prize.”

“I dropped Parmesan on my laptop and called it Mac ‘n’ Cheese”

“I bought a pancake, but I was rather disappointed. It tasted nothing like a pan”

“What’s the difference between jam and jelly?”/“There is no such thing as traffic jelly.”

“Marijuana is legal. Haircuts are not. It took fifty years, but the hippies have finally won”

Necropolis of the South (New Orleans nickname)

“A piece of turf walks into a bar…” (bar joke)

“A piece of sod walks into a bar…” (bar joke)

“I heard alcohol and sunlight can kill Corona, so if you see me naked and drunk in the yard…”

“A topiary expert walks into a bar…” (bar joke)

“At what stage of home schooling do we send the school a letter asking for donations…”

“‘OK Boomer,’ said the currant to the elderberry”

“Remember DO NOT grab another person’s facemask. It’s a 15-yard penalty and an automatic 1st down”

“Big Apple” on NPR’s “Ask Me Another” (2020)

“Milk in soda is gross, but ice cream in soda is good”

“A chia pet walks into a bar…” (bar joke)

“Isn’t it weird how the internet cannot eliminate child pornography, but can censor facts”

“Dear non essentials that recently started going back to work….hit the gas, we drive fast now”

“A landscaper walks into a bar…” (bar joke)

“Internet. It can censor everything about conspiracy theories, but can’t get rid of child porn”

“Did you see the arrows?”/“I didn’t even see the Indians!” (one-way street)

“A sod farmer walks into a bar…” (bar joke)

“No matter how old you get, it’s always fun watching your car go through the car wash”

“Did you see the arrows?”/“I didn’t even see the Indians!” (one-way store aisle)

“What happens to an egg every time you look at it?”/“It becomes egg sighted.”

“Recipe for Prime Rib: Salt, pepper, and butter. Cook for 2, 3, 5, 7 or 11 minutes”

“Anyone else think Pokémon characters Koffing and Weezing look similar to the Coronavirus?”

“Make sure you test positive for faith. Stay 6ft away from doubt, and isolate from unbelief”

“Did you hear about the Pokémon that has Covid-19? It was Koffing”

“If you mix Tabasco in hand sanitizer, it will not only kill germs…”

“Make sure you test positive for faith. Keep a safe distance from doubt. And isolate from unbelief”

“I told my suitcases there will be no vacation this year. Now I’m dealing with emotional baggage”

“What beef only comes in 2, 3, 5, 7, or 11 ounce portions?”/“Prime rib.”

1400+ Coronavirus (COVID-19) pandemic quotes, jokes, riddles, puns, pickup lines, memes, etc., Pt. 3

“Make sure you test positive for faith. Keep distance from doubt, and isolate from fear”

“The lockdown is getting to me. Now, when I see a nurse in a porno, I stand up and clap”

“What’s the difference between a rimshot and a rimjob?” (joke)

“Why did the dog cross the road?”/“It wanted to play animal crossing.”

“What do you call a crocodile that loves guacamole?”/“A guacodile!”

“Why did the chicken cross the road?”/“It wanted to play animal crossing.”

“Why did the animal cross the road?”/“It wanted to play animal crossing.”

“You never know how out of shape you are until you try to get back in shape”

“I dropped my gun in the avocado dip. Now it is glockamole”

“What is a porcupine’s favorite game?”/“Poker.”

“Pickup line to use at the hairdresser: ‘So, do you comb hair often?’”

Octemburary (fictional month)

“2019: live, laugh, love. 2020: lather, rinse, repeat”

“Depresso: when you’ve run out of coffee. Represso: when you refuse to talk about it”

Google censorship of BarryPopik.com

“Save the date!! The end of quarantine was just announced: Octemburary 54th”

“What’s Stalin’s favorite coffee?”/“Represso.”

“A salad without radicchio? That’s just radicchio-less”

“Dear Plexiglass; Thank you for protecting me from the masked cashier that just touched everything”

“You can’t spell subtext without buttsex”

“Cheese sounds a lot more appetizing than ‘fermented cow boob juice’”

Covidiotic (COVID-19 + idiotic)

“If you see me talking to myself, mind your business. I’m having a parent teacher conference.”

“A panda feeds for 12 hours. This is the same as an adult under quarantine, called a ‘pandemic’”

“‘What’ll it be, Hun?’—Southern waitress serving Attila”

“I signed up for Binary 101, but it turns out it’s a level 5 course”

“We all live in a yellow quarantine” (song)

Shartonnay (shart + Chardonnay)

Big Apple Comix (1975)

“Attila walks into a quaint Southern diner. Waitress says, ‘What can I get you, Hun?’”

“We’re looking for someone who is responsible..” (joke).

“Binary 101 is not a beginners’ course”

“What do you call an annoyed lobster?”/“A frustacean.”

“You know you’re getting older when it feels like the morning after, but there was no night before”

“What do you call an irritated lobster?”/“A frustracean.”

“Waiting for my thighs to socially distance themselves”

“Some people recommend horse manure on strawberries, but I prefer whipped cream”

“I failed Binary 101. I said it was 6”

“‘More coffee, Hun?’—Southern waitress serving Attila”

“What’s the difference between a spring roll and a summer roll?”/“Seasoning.”

“We all live in a COVID quarantine” (song)