“In response to the murder hornets, police are using the SWAT team to set up a sting operation”

“If you love somebody, let them go. If they come back with coffee, it was meant to be”

“What do you call a baker with a cold?”/“Coughee cake.”

“Popcorn is a vegetable”

“During the Middle Ages, they celebrated the end of the plague with wine and orgies…”

“Everything for summer is canceled. May as well just put up the Christmas tree and call it a year”

“Does anyone know if we can start taking showers yet? Or are we still just washing our hands?”

“Why did the cake go to the doctor?”/“It was a coughee cake.”

“If you love somebody, let them go. If they come back with tacos, it was meant to be”

“What do you call a baker with a cold?”/“Coughy cake.”

“I never thought in my entire life that my hands would consume more alcohol than my mouth”

“The first rule of vegan fight club. Tell everyone about vegan fight club”

“Maybe she’s losing it. Maybe it’s quarantine”

“Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe it’s quarantine”

“Astronomy is way over my head”

“Sneezing with a mask on feels like shitting your pants with your face”

“Covid 19 should be re-named the ‘Common Core Virus’ because shit just ain’t adding up”

“I would’ve never imagined my hands would consume more alcohol than my liver”

“Never in my whole life would I imagine my hands would consume more alcohol than my mouth”

“I was thinking of studying astronomy, but I fear it’s all way over my head”

“How does a caveman like his drink?”/“On the rocks.”

“Why did the sea monster eat five ships carrying potatoes?”/“No one can eat just one potato ship.”

“Has anyone else noticed the word ‘pandemic’ is just ‘dem’ surrounded by ‘panic?’”

“When the cave people went to the cave bar and asked for a drink on the rocks, they meant it”

“I’ll take a Corona, hold the virus” (bar request)

“Covid19 Facts: The virus can travel 6’. It cannot travel 6’1” or more…” (joke)

“Tact is the ability to step on a man’s toes without scuffing the shine on his shoes”

“A priest, a rabbit and a minister walk into a bar…” (bar joke)

“If you can’t drink for three, please leave your place for the professionals” (bar sign)

“Tact is the ability to step on a man’s toes without messing up the shine on his shoes”

“I drive more safely when there’s food in my passenger seat than when there’s a person there”

“I thought I had Covid-19 because I couldn’t breathe. Then I unbuttoned my pants and it was OK”

“I drive safer with really good food in the passenger seat than with a close friend”

“I dropped everything to become a juggler”

“Tact is the ability to step on a fellow’s shoes without ruining his shine”

“I drive safer when there’s food in my passenger seat than when there’s a person sitting there”

“Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out…”

“I’ve been on hold so long that I can’t remember who I’ve called”

“What’s the difference between COVID and a Karen?” (NSFW joke)

“Tact is the ability to step on a man’s toes without letting him feel your boot”

“If you let social media get to you, I can only imagine what real life does to you”

“I stood waving at my neighbor for 10 minutes before realizing she was just cleaning her windows”

“If you let social media get to you, I can imagine what real life be doing to your ass”

“After spending any amount of time on social media you can understand…”

“The Lysol commercial told me to disinfect the things I touch the most. This is going to burn”

“When you look at Twitter’s trending topics, it’s easier to understand…”

“The CDC says to disinfect the places that you touch the most. Don’t do it, it freaking burns!”

“Romance novels written during COVID?19: ‘As she slowly slipped her mask down…’”

“Memorial Day—honor their deaths by questioning anyone calling for more of them”

“I’m going to unlike this page. Right after I post about unliking this page…”

“What’s the opposite of formaldehyde?”/ “Casualdejekyll.”

Masktard (face mask + retard)

“I’ve always wanted to get a manatee.”/“Thank you. Two sugars, please”

“My thoughts and prayers go out to anyone trying on summer clothes”

“I’m no scientist, but has anyone tried killing the rona with the bowling alley shoe spray yet?”

“I was going to post about my afternoon run, but I was autocorrected to afternoon rum”

“Cereal tastes much better at night”

Social Pisstancing (social distancing + pissing)

Happytalism (happy + -talism)

“A cardiology video is totally clips of the heart”

“Do you know why birds sing in the mornings? Because they don’t have to go to work!”

“In Hitler’s defence, he did kill Hitler”

“In Hitler’s defense, he did kill Hitler”

Glovetard (glove + retard)

“Teachers, remember that ANGRY mother who said she would have your job? Call her…”

“After watching how some people wear their masks, I understand why contraception fails”

“I may be quarantined, but my boobs have never been freer”

“If graduation can’t be done at a gym or a football field, perhaps grads could walk thru Walmart”

“I just Clorox wiped a bottle of Purell and Purelled my hands cuz I touched the Clorox canister”

“A stock market crash is worse than a divorce. You lose half your money & your wife is still around”

“If you don’t like the mafia, why don’t you join it and change it from the inside?”

“Insisting on rights without acknowledging responsibilities isn’t freedom, it’s adolescence”

America’s Mad Playground (Coney Island)

“Drinking water through a straw is the opposite of snorkeling”

“Home invasions should decline. Everyone is at home with guns…”

“Straws are the opposite of snorkels”

“If we continue wearing masks, the next generation will think a mouth is a private part”

“I just bought one of those real life sex dolls and she’s so realistic she just wants to be friends”

“Just because I give you advice doesn’t mean I know more than you”

“The problem is not who sits on the throne. The problem is that there is a throne to sit on”

“Socialism: Guaranteeing everyone equal amounts of nothing”

“Socialism: Equal amounts of zero”

“I’m looking for a girl who loves me for my money, but isn’t good at math”

“Day 5 of Homeschooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat”

“I’m looking for a woman who loves me for my money, but isn’t good at math”

“I’m looking for someone who loves me for my money, but isn’t good at math”

“Hitler wasn’t all bad. After all, he did kill Hitler”

“Day 5 of Homeschooling: One of these little shits called in a bomb threat”

“So when quarantine is over, will the producers of ‘My 600 Pound Life’ just find me?”

“Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work”

“Damn girl, are you a cop? Because you just took my breath away”

“Ramen is just anime spaghetti”

“There’s nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul. Even if it’s cold. Over ice…”

“Hey girl, are you a cop? Because you’ve taken my breath away”

“Do not call the police on suspicious people in your neighborhood! Those are your neighbors…”

“What’s the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping Tom?” (joke)

“How do you start a rice pudding race?”/“Sago.”

“So you’re staying inside, practicing social distancing and cleaning yourself? Congratulations…”

“Lettuce meat olive your eggspectations”

“Stay inside, isolate or practice social distancing, clean yourself. Omg, I’ve become a housecat”