“Wash your hands. COVID-19 doesn’t kill itself, just like Jeffrey Epstein”

“The key to getting along with people is to either lower your expectations or learn to drink”

“Is America cursed because it’s built on an ancient Indian burial ground?”

“If you see my kids locked outside today, mind your business. We are having a fire drill”

“I named my stomach Budapest, Because it is the capital of Hungry”

“With everything going on, you’d think America is cursed or something. Like it was built on…”

“Due to corona virus, I will not shake hands or hug. You may kneel or bow to me”

“Have you been traumatized by the toilet paper shortage? You may be entitled to constipation”

“I’m a big fan of air circulation”

“When the looting starts, the shooting starts”

“So they really clothes school tomorrow.”/ “They shirt it down.”/ “That socks.”

“You can’t inject health”

“How to stop eating during quarantine: Put on your swimsuit instead of your pajamas”

“Which composer got the coronavirus?”/“DryCoughsky.”

“A single bee is ignored, but when millions come together, even the bravest run in fear”

“Vaccines are the leading cause of coincidence”

“The one thing the government fears is the day we stand together”

“If prisoners took their own mug shots, they would be called ‘cellfies’”

“Who is a Covid-19 patient’s favorite composer?”/“Drycoughsky.”

“You cannot inject health”

“If 2020 was a drink, it would be bong water”

“I don’t trust trees. They’re shady”

“If 2020 was a drink, what would it be?”/“Colonoscopy prep.”

“Due to the recent outbreak of Corona virus, kissing ass has been temporarily suspended”

“After all the stupid things I’ve done in my life, if I die because I touched my face…”

“If you see my kids crying outside & picking weeds, just keep on driving. They’re on a field trip”

“I can’t believe it’s riot season already. I still have my COVID decorations up”

“Covid-19 should be renamed COTTON EYE JOE (where did it come from, where did it go)”

“What’s the difference between a cop and a bullet?” (riddle)

“What’s the difference between a police officer and a bullet?” (riddle)

“I never thought ‘I wouldn’t touch him/her with a 10-foot pole’ would become a national policy”

“I don’t think the Renaissance Festival should be closed, because having a real plague there…”

“Halloween is only good for one thing. Which is…”

“I never thought ‘I wouldn’t touch him/her with a 6-foot pole’ would become a national policy”

“I used to be in a band called ‘Missing Cat’. You probably saw our posters”

“There’s only one thing about Halloween that scares me.”/“Which is?”

“Home schooling question: Does having your children fix your mixed cocktails count as chemistry?”

“A license is what you get when the gov’t steals your rights away from you and then sells them back”

“Heroes work here” (slogan)

“I’m excited that the phrase ‘get the fuck away from me’ is no longer rude but a PSA”

Goodge (opposite of “badge”)

“The coronavirus will come and go. But the government will never forget how easy…”

“Donald Trump walks into a bar…” (bar joke)

“How can you tell good cops from bad cops?”/“Easy. Good cops carry a Goodge.”

“Due to the shortage of cleaning supplies, dirty deeds will no longer be done dirt cheap”

“I totally understand why Italian Renaissance paintings are of naked fat people laying on a couch”

“This year was the first time I couldn’t travel to Europe because of Covid-19” (joke)

“I totally understand why Italian Renaissance paintings are people lying around with their tits out”

“Why do green beans meditate?”/“To find inner peas.”

“[X] walks into a bar…and lowers it” (bar joke)

“I’ve recently switched from eating venison to eating pheasant. Absolute game changer”

“Dear Rioters. IRS Building. Please and thank you”

1312 (ACAB; All Cops Are Bastards)

“The system will have you thinking ‘legal’ means ‘right’, but remember slavery was legal”

“All Coppers Are Bastards” (ACAB)

ACAB (All Coppers Are Bastards)

“This system got y’all thinking ‘legal’ means ‘right.’ Reminder: Slavery was ‘legal’”

“All Cops Are Bastards” (ACAB)

ACAB (All Cops Are Bastards)

“This is the first year I’m not going to Fiji due to Covid-19. I usually don’t go because I’m poor”

“What makes taxation not theft?”/“Imagination.”

World Harm Organization (World Health Organization or WHO nickname)

“All mothers were summoned when George Floyd called out for his momma”

“What makes mandatory vaccinations not tyranny?”/“Magical fairy dust.”

“So in order to enter stores now, do I bring a face mask, a brick, or both? 2020 is confusing”

“How do you reset your body back to factory settings? Is it kale? It’s kale, isn’t it?”

“What makes taxation not theft?”/“Magical fairy dust.”

“Dear Bartender, don’t be offended if we ask ’Is there any liquor in this drink?’”

World Hell Organization (World Health Organization or WHO nickname)

“Sleeping is hard in the summer because blankets are too warm…”

“Promiscuous girls are like Walmart…” (NSFW joke)

“I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant ‘food’”

“What makes taxation not theft?”/“Magic.”

“What would you find in Charles Dickens’ kitchen?”/“The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.”

“What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?”/“The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.”

“I have kids. Park too close and they will ding your shit” (car sign)

“What do whores and Walmart have in common?” (NSFW joke)

“I have kids. Park too close and I’ll ding your shit” (car sign)

“A riot is the language of the unheard”

“What makes taxation not theft?”/“Roads.”

Fuck 12 (anti-police saying)

“Today’s weather? Room temperature” (quarantine joke)

“Stay home if you sicc. Come over if you thicc”

FTP (Fuck The Police)

“Hey girl, do you have coronavirus? Because I can’t stop looking atchoo” (pickup line)

“Damn girl, are you COVID-19?”/“Let me guess. Did I take your breath away?”

“Are you an N95 mask? Cause I want you on my face” (pickup line)

“Damn girl, are you COVID-19? Because you take my breath away” (pickup line)

“I washed my hands so much due to COVID-19 that my exam notes from 1995 resurfaced”

“Day 7 at home and the dog is looking at me like, ‘See? This is why I chew the furniture’”

“Damn girl, are you COVID-19? Because I want to flatten your curves” (pickup line)

“Damn girl, are you Coronavirus? Because I want you to stay away from me”

“Damn girl, are you COVID-19? Because you’re killing me” (pickup line)

“Damn girl, are you the Coronavirus? Because I’m sick of hearing about you”

“Damn girl, are you Coronavirus? Because you make me sick” (pickup line)

“Hey girl, are you Coronavirus? Because your smile is infectious” (pickup line)

“Hey girl, are you Coronavirus? Because if I took you home, it might kill my parents”

“Damn girl, are you Coronavirus? Because you’re all I’m thinking about” (pickup line)

“Hey girl, are you Coronavirus? Because you’re breathtaking” (pickup line)

“Damn girl, are you Coronavirus? Because you spread fast and you’re nasty”