“What does a condiment wizard perform?”/“Saucery.”

“Stay home if u sicc. Come over if u thicc”

“Dragonfruit is the supermodel of the fruit world—all looks, little taste”

“Why should you never fight a dinosaur?”/“You’ll get jurasskicked.”

“I fell off a 30 foot ladder yesterday. I’m fine, I was only on the second rung”

“Stay home if you’re sicc. Come over if you’re thicc”

“Hotel lobbies must be the main place many people had their first experience with cucumber water”

“I saw a bumper sticker saying ‘I am a veterinarian, therefore I can drive like an animal’”

“Nothing says a company doesn’t value you like, ‘Dear Valued Customer’”

“Dragonfruit is the ‘super hot girl with no personality’ of the fruit world”

“Husband and I went grocery shopping with masks, got home, took off masks…wrong husband!”

“‘Lazy’ is such an ugly word. I prefer the term ‘selective participation’”

“What’s next, is vinegar going to be renamed vi?”

“If I were a judge, I’d change my surname to Mental”

“My Greek yogurt is expired. Does this make it Ancient Greek yogurt now?”

“Being an adult is eating the crust not because you like it, but because you paid for it”

“Worms in apples has been less of a problem than what we expected as kids”

“What has college taught you?”/“That no matter how much sleep I get I’ll always be tired.”

“In boring classes, I always improve my drawing skills”

“Stop crying about your problems on internet. Bottle them up inside and disguise them with humor”

“If we can just get through this month, we only have one more month to go before we need to…”

“Have you heard the joke about getting rid of COVID? It’s a riot!”

“3.14159265 walks into a bar…” (bar joke)

“A hangover is just your body reminding you that you’re an idiot”

“The ‘Texas Chainsaw Massacre’ film was a big lie. They didn’t damage a single chainsaw”

“I wear a mask while jogging. It’s a running gag”

“This year I won’t be going to the Maldives because of covid19” (joke)

“You know it’s bad when you don’t even get morning skinny anymore”

“Every bartender I’ve ever met is better at de-escalating conflict than the police”

“New Yorkers think ‘upstate’ is anything north of the Bronx”

“‘You are what you eat.’ I don’t remember eating a big disappointment”

“What do you call a fake koi fish?”/“A dekoi.”

“Gun control only ends well for those who control the guns”

“Gun control only works out well for those who control the guns”

“Why did the runner stop listening to music?”/“Because she broke too many records.”

“‘You are what you eat.’ I don’t remember eating a huge disappointment”

“There are days when I need coffee to come out of the shower head”

“It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante region of France” (joke)

“‘You are what you eat.’ I don’t remember eating a disappointment”

“An anteater walks into a bar…” (bar joke)

“Keep the Earth clean. It’s not Uranus”

“Defund the thought police”

“When you find out your daily lifestyle is actually called ‘quarantine’”

“Keep our planet clean. It’s not Uranus”

“Water is the default flavor”

“Coronavirus is to be re-named the Schrodinger Virus” (joke)

“Keep Earth clean. It’s not Uranus”

“Keep the planet clean. It’s not Uranus”

“A conspiracy theorist walks into a bar…” (bar joke)

“Keep this planet clean. It’s not Uranus”

“Maybe Monday doesn’t like you, either”

“‘Pour me,’ thought the teapot”

“The waiter said, ‘Your table will be ready shortly’” (at the IKEA restaurant)

“We’re gonna have to retire the expression ‘avoid it like the plague’...”

“The restaurant’s special of the day was dalas. The waiter said it was mixed salad”

“One day YouTube, Facebook and Twitter will join together and be called YouTwitFace”

“I used to live in a teapot. I know what you’re thinking. Poor you”

“I think the real reason this generation is so angry is because their music sucks”

“Do you suffer from shyness? Ask your doctor or pharmacist about tequila”

“My compliments to the gardener” (said at a vegan/vegetarian restaurant)

“What’s the funniest bunch of fruit?”/“A pun-net of strawberries.”

“How do you get a French waiter’s attention?”/“Start ordering in German.”

“Why do potatoes make good detectives?”/“Because they keep their eyes peeled.”

“Why is melted butter no good?”/“It’s rendered useless.”

“Is that coffee I smell?”/“It is, and you do.”

“There should be a holiday dedicated to all the brave people who show up to work on Mondays”

“When the butter melted, it was rendered useless”

“Give a man a fish, and he’ll eat for a day… Unless he ordered steak, then you’re a shit waiter”

“A good number of my friends are racist. Precisely zero—and that is a good number”

“God gave us Mondays to punish us for the things we did over the weekend”

“If you can be anything, be caffeinated”

“What do you call a steak made of little yellow guys?”/“A filet minion.”

“Giving up collecting Icelandic, Danish, Norwegian and Swedish coins so I don’t get Kronervirus”

“They said I could be anything, so I decided to be caffeinated”

“I couldn’t wait to go to university. But when I got there, it was just people from Earth”

“Covid has been found circulating on Norwegian currency. It’s the Kroner virus”

“What happened to Covid 1 to 18?”

“I had to throw out all of my Danish currency. I didn’t wanna catch the Kronervirus”

“If COVID-19 had originated in Sweden, would we be calling it the kronavirus?”

“In Scandinavia, they call it the Kronavirus”

Farmer John Cheese (parmesan cheese)

My-Yam-Me (Miami)

Wuhan Health Organization (World Health Organization or WHO nickname)

“Living in America means calling the police could kill someone…”

“Mask it or casket” (face mask slogan)

“Toasters should have a window so you can see how toasted your bread is before it burns”

“I don’t drink to get drunk. I drink to get my inner demons drunk”

“My kid is an honor student at a dumbed-down government indoctrination camp” (bumper sticker)

“When you start to Excel, people start to spreadsheet”

“People scared of being fat are running from their fears”

“Where are dead computer hackers buried?”/“In decrypt.”

“Bought a Dracula themed clock. Every second Count”

“What do you call a depressed salami?”/“Pepper-ennui.”

“I got a job making plastic Draculas. Two of us work, so I have to make every second count”

Pepperennui (pepper/pepperoni + ennui)

Doctor Google (Dr. Google)

“If you’re not subversive, you’re not relevant”

“Victory is surrender. Lockdown is safety. Hysteria is virtue”

Dr. Google (Doctor Google)

“Decaf coffee? Would you like some orange free orange juice with that?”