“When people misspell ‘barely’ like ‘barley,’ they’re just going against the grain”

“My grandmother Eleanor gave me her seafood recipes, but nobody wants to try my Salmon Ella”

“Pledging allegiance to a flag is like reciting a love poem to a sock”

“My friends say I’m a pessimist. But I think it’s far worse than that”

“First coffee, then we move on to today’s episode of ‘Now what?’”

New Normal

Anti-Social Distancing

“It’s too bad that banks don’t ever hand out free samples”

New Abnormal

“I got myself a seniors’ GPS. Not only does it tell me how to get to my destination…”

“What’s the opposite of bologna?”/“Above knee.”

“What’s the opposite of above knee?”/“Baloney.”

“Taking the first bite of a burger determines where the front of it is”

“I heard the government is putting chips inside people. I hope I get hot Cheetos”

“German food puns have always been very spätzle to me”

Pennsylvania: “Where do pencils come from?”/“Pennsylvania.”

“I heard the government is putting chips inside people. I hope I get Doritos”

“There’s a woman in the park who sells batteries. She sells C cells by the seesaw”

“She sells C cells by the sea shore”

“There’s a woman who sells batteries by a convenience store. She sells C cells by the C-store”

“Why do lions only mate in the summer?”/“Because the pride comes before the fall.”

“I’m going to start collecting highlighters. Mark my words!”

“What did the book tell the highlighter?”/“Mark my words!”

“Where can I buy a face mask that doesn’t smell like bad breath?”

“Highlighter pens are the future. Mark my words”

“Tiramisu sounds a lot more Japanese than Italian”

Drinktator (drink + dictator)

“Eating a burger upside-down allows the thicker bun to the absorb the juices”

“A hamburger doesn’t have a front or back until you bite it”

“Audio engineers give sound advice”

“What’s the difference between Coors beer and a clitoris?” (NFSW riddle)

“What type of people never get angry?”/“The nomads.”

“I need a coffee, a vacation, and a bag full of cash. That’s all”

“My brother ate a Rolex because I told him ‘watch his mouth’”

“Watermelons look like fat cucumbers”

“Chocolate and vanilla are considered opposites because of their colors, not flavors”

“Never realized until today that Karl Marx’s sister, Onya, invented the starting pistol”

“Coffee…because I can count the number of hours I slept last night on one hand”

“Whomever stole my highlighter, I’ll find you. Mark my words”

“Dihydrogen monoxide is deliberately sprayed on organic crops”

“Meet a new Monday and remember that happiness is a choice”

“If you take a laptop computer for a run, you could jog your memory”

“What did the clock say to the other clock?”/“Nice tocking to ya.”

“If a person wants to be atheistic it’s his God-given right to be an atheist”

Quarantine Fifteen (weight gain)

“Nepotism is frowned upon, but being ‘family owned and operated’ is celebrated”

Quarantine 15 (weight gain)

“What did the clock say to the wristwatch?”/“I enjoyed tocking with you…”

“Did you hear about the coin shortage? Apparently, America is literally out of common cents”

“Don’t chop me down! I’m a talking tree!”/“And you will dialogue.”

“What did the paper say to the pencil?”/“Right on!”

“What did the paper say to the pencil?”/“Write on!”

“Why did the detective cross the road?”/“To get to the homicide.”

“What did the paper say to the pencil?”/“You’ve got a good point.”

“The most common form of robbery is inflation”

“I heard the government is putting chips into people. I hope I get BBQ”

“Every time you are able to find some humor in a difficult situation, you win”

“I heard the government is putting chips in people. I hope I get sour cream and onion”

“I was forced to swallow purple food coloring. I feel violated”

“Why can’t eggs have love?”/“They will break up too soon.”

“Taxation is robbery. Inflation is theft”

“In light of the collapsing economy, JPMorgan plans to lay off several members of Congress”

“I’ve got a joke about yoga, but it’s a bit of a stretch”

“Inflation is legalized robbery”

Mask Debater

“In light of plummeting oil prices, Exxon Mobil plans to lay off several members of Congress”

“Inflation is robbery”

“Get in good trouble, necessary trouble”

Mask Debate

“Inflation is theft. Taxation is robbery”

“Why did the road kill the chicken?”/“The chicken crossed him.”

“A book just fell on my head. I only have my shelf to blame”

“Yo mama is like groceries during a pandemic—available for curbside pickup”

Cuomo Chips (chips that allow bars to stay open under NY Gov. Cuomo)

“What do you say to a mother of members of the military?”/“Thank you for your cervix.”

“Dad, what’s a forklift?”/“Food, usually.”

“Swimming is good for your health, especially when you’re drowning”

Maskhole (face mask + asshole)

Mask Trap (police trap for enforcing face mask use)

“I’ve got a funny joke about gymnastics, but it’s a bit of a stretch”

“Just been sacked as an ice cream tester. I refused to do Sundaes”

“What do you call eating only a little bit of someone at a time?”/“Can-nibble-ism.”

“A code walks into a bar…” (bar joke)

“A man on a tractor drove past me shouting, ‘The end of the world is nigh!’ It was Farmer Geddon”

“An IT guru walks into a bar…” (bar joke)

“What kind of person eats aluminum?”/“A can-nibble.”

Big Bad Apple (Big Apple + bad apple)

“I spent $1,000, but the limo had no driver. All that money with nothing to chauffeur it”

“Whenever I get asked to do something I don’t want to do I just answer ‘in a pandemic?’”

“What has two butts and kills people?”/“An assassin.”

“What do you call someone who only eats tiny bits of other people?”/“A cannibble”

“At the store there was a big X by the register for me to stand on…” (joke)

“Damn girl, are you a piñata? Cause imma need a blindfold before I hit that”

“Gringo conversions: 12 enchiladas = 1 footilada”

“I’ve just lost my job as an ice cream tester. I couldn’t do sundaes”

“What do you call a person who eats other people slowly?”/“A cannibble.”

“All my passwords are protected by amnesia”

“Wife: Can you pick up milk?” (joke)

“The goal of the ‘for dummies’ books is to get rid of their target audience”

“Space cowboys imply the existence of space cows”