“If anyone ever tries to sell you a transparent car wheel, steer clear”

“Celery is just crunchy grass-flavored water”

“It’s my God-given right to be an atheist”

“If you’re ugly but have pretty eyes, this is your chance!” (face mask requirement)

“What do you call a security guard at a swimming pool?”/“The poolice.”

“If you’re ugly but have pretty eyes, this is your time to shine!” (face mask requirement)

“If you’re ugly with pretty eyes, this is your moment!” (face mask requirement)

“Siri, check my bank account and tell me which Apple product I can buy.”/“Apple juice.”

“Alexa, check my bank balance and tell me which Apple product can I buy?”/“Apple juice.”

“The only Apple product that I can afford to buy is apple juice”

“Celery is basically just grass with water retention”

“Celery is what happens when you tell grass it can be anything it wants to be”

“Have we tried throwing a politician into a volcano to appease the virus yet?”

“Chin up, shoulders back. Wipe those tears and get back on track…”

“Merry crisis and a happy new fear”

“If you haven’t seen me in a while, I’m fat now. You don’t have to tell me. Thanks in advance”

“Celery is just glorified grass”

“Why do eggs come in flimsy styrofoam cartons & batteries in a package only a chainsaw opens?”

“Two things to make your day better: 1. Do not watch the news. 2. Stay off the bathroom scales”

“How December 2020 is going to look like: ‘Merry Crisis and a Happy New Fear’”

“I’m aspirin’ to be a nurse”

“I’m aspirin’ to be a chemist”

“I have seen things. Horrible things. Empty coffee cup things”

“I have seen things. Awful things. Empty coffee cup things”

Casedemic (case + -demic)

“August already? September is practically next week. Time to pick out a Halloween costume”

“What did one painkiller say to the other?”/“You’re what I’m aspirin to be.”

“I’m aspirin’ to be a doctor”

“I have seen things. Terrible things. Empty coffee cup things”

“I’m aspirin’ to be a pharmacist”

“I General Lee don’t find civil war puns to be funny”

“A square and a circle walk into a bar…” (bar joke)

“I was a rubbish church window cleaner. I got rid of all the stains”

“I General Lee don’t find civil war jokes funny”

“My boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I said he doesn’t hire stupid people”

“Are you a banana? Because I found you a peeling!”

“Civil War jokes? I General Lee don’t find them funny”

“What do you call a cow in a tornado?”/“A milk shake.”

OMAD (One Meal A Day)

“I General Lee don’t care for Civil War jokes”

“Who is the king of office supplies?”/“The ruler.”

“What is the kind of all office supplies?”/“The ruler.”

“What’s a survivalist’s favorite drink?”/“Dr Prepper.”

“Could you toast some bread?”/(raises wine glass) “Here’s to bread!”

“Now is probably the perfect time to become a ventriloquist”

“I went to a protest last weekend and all I got was this lousy t shirt…and a TV…”

“It’s easy to be a communist in a free country. But try being free in a communist country”

“I went to a BLM rally this weekend and all I got was this lousy t shirt…”

“Being a prison guard has to be the easiest job ever. I mean, who’s going to steal a prison?”

“Lovely weather for ducks” (rain)

“I don’t get why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m there”

“When the Saints Go Marching In” (song)

“Those who aim torpedoes are always ready to press charges”

“I can’t even press charges on the guy who stole my explosives”

New Orleans Saints (National Football League team)

“Why must I prove that I am me when I pay bills over the phone? Do strangers call to pay my bills?”

“Heads or tails: The war machine wins”

“The war machine wins every U.S. presidential election”

“How many Nintendo fans does it take to change a lightbulb?”/“They’re playing the switch.”

“Have you heard about the new Canadian strain of Covid-19? Most people infected are eh symptomatic”

“I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m there”

“I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here”

“When you buy a bigger bed you have more bed room, but less bedroom”

Fabulous Invalid (Broadway nickname)

“I don’t get why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here”

McSteak (McDonald’s + steak)

“What pasta sauce is really good at knocking down pins?”/“Bowlin’ ace.”

Big Street (Broadway)

“Every time I eat a salad I’m like, my life better change after this”

“Why does McDonald’s not have a steak sandwich on the menu?”/“Because it would be a McSteak.”

“I don’t drink for religious reasons. I drink for other reasons”

“I don’t drink alcohol for religious reasons. I drink it for other reasons”

ACAB (All Communists Are Bastards)

1925-1929: “Big Apple” in The Inter-State Tattler

Debris (sandwich)

“Last night I fell asleep on a bed of rice. I was out as soon as my head hit the pilau”

“New Orleans—Boosters for the Space Age” (New Orleans slogan)

“I hate when you make a typo in your post and the whole thing is urined”

“Despite removing all the stains, I still lost my job as a church window cleaner”

“All Communists Are Bastards” (ACAB)

“To the person who stole my broken bathroom scale: You won’t get a weigh with this”

“Corner stores really watch kids grow from soda & chips to blunts & alcohol”

“The 3 C’s of life: Choices, Chances and Changes. You must make a choice to take a chance”

“Corner stores really watch kids grow from soda & chips to condoms & alcohol”

Saratoga: August Mecca (nickname)

“I’ve just been on Trip Advisor. There’s no information about a twisted ankle and a skinned knee”

Rich Boy (sandwich name variant of “poor boy”)

“I can’t figure out how to operate my automatic transmission car. It didn’t come with a manual”

“Drug addicts are lack-dose intolerant”

“What did the bottle write on the postcard?”/“Wish you were beer!”

“The ‘devil’s lettuce’ is actually coleslaw, not weed”

“The three C’s of life: Choice. Chance. Change. You must make the choice to take the chance”

Mask Mouth

“What type of music are balloons afraid of?”/“Pop music.”

“If a supervisor at work gets the covid, do the people who kiss that ass need to be tested?”

“What kind of music do balloons dislike?”/“Pop music.”

“What type of music scares balloons?”/“Pop music.”

“What kind of music frightens balloons?”/“Pop music.”

“If a manager at work gets the covid, do the people who kiss that ass need to be tested?”

“What type of music do balloons hate?”/“Pop music.”