“There are only two places in this league: first place and no place”

Twindemic (twin + -demic)

Complicity Theorist

“If you get a loan at a bank, you pay it for 30 years. If you rob a bank, you’re out in 10 years”

“‘You are what you eat.’ I don’t remember eating a massive disappointment”

“Cereal tastes better at night”

“One day I’ll learn how to motivate myself. For now, there’s coffee”

“When life hands you lemons, kill them, crush them, drink their souls”

“I carry a gun because a cop is too heavy”

“What’s the difference between spring rolls and summer rolls?”/“Seasoning.”

NYPDK (New York Police Department + killer)

“I’m not buying a 2021 planner until I see a trailer”

“I hope the pubs open soon. I need to cut down on my drinking”

“I hope the bars open soon. I need to cut down on my drinking”

Batty Boro (Brooklyn)

Batty Borough (Brooklyn, home of the baseball-batty Dodgers)

“I’m still working in the antique shop. Nothing new there”

“Apple is the default fruit”

“Vanilla extract is the ketchup of baking”

“I heard the government is putting chips inside people. I hope I get tortilla chips!”

“The weather just went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper” (summer to fall)

“The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper” (summer to fall)

“Eating eggs benedict reminds me of the time I lived in the Netherlands. Those were my Holland days”

“Tell me who told you about our Dutch national holidays.”/“You mean my Holland days source?”

“I don’t want to eat anything that has a mother”

“Me looking outside to see what chapter of Revelation we’re doing today”

“My food is grown and harvested, not born and killed”

“Capitalism: Bread is lined up waiting for people. Socialism: People line up waiting for bread”

“Where We Go One, We Go All” (#WWG1WGA)

WWG1WGA (Where We Go One, We Go All)

“After six months of listening to people talk with masks on…”

“They should first test the COVID vaccine on government officials…”

“What do eggs do for fun?”/“Karayolke.”

WHOtube (YouTube nickname)

“There’s a reason you take kids to pick apples, but don’t take them to a slaughterhouse”

“Dear animals, I’m sorry it took me so long”

“When you walk forward on an escalator it becomes an escasooner”

“Life’s too short to make another’s shorter”

“Legality is a matter of power, not justice”

“What do you call a fast escalator?”/“An escasooner.”

“Three rights walk into a bar…” (bar joke)

“I think my cat might be a communist. He won’t shut up about Mao”

“Vegan: because I’m too cool to be cruel”

“Is your refrigerator a morgue or a garden?”

“Don’t use your fridge as a morgue”

“World peace begins in the kitchen”

“Is your fridge a morgue or a garden?”

“Drink some coffee and pretend you know what you’re doing”

“It’s not my fault I have a double chin. When God was giving out chins…” (gin joke)

“I’m directing a cowboy film called The Sun. It’s set in the west”

“The thing about Workaholics Anonymous is that if you have time to come to the meetings…”

“The worst part about turning the clocks back is having to endure an extra hour of 2020”

“Without coffee, I wouldn’t be the perky, foul-mouthed, delightful person that I am”

“Why couldn’t Covid get a drink at the bar?”/“Because Covid 19.”

“My blood type is dark roast positive”

“If you sin 90 times you’ll only get caught 50% of the time because sin90 = cot45”

“When God gave out legs, I thought He said kegs, so I took two short fat ones”

“When God gave out ears, I thought He said beers, so I took two big ones”

“I was going to make a joke about carpentry, but can’t think of any that wood work”

“When God gave out brains, I thought He said trains, and I missed mine”

“When God gave out chins, I thought He said gins, so I said I’ll have a double”

“My blood type is dark roast”

“My blood test came back today and my blood type changed from ‘A positive’ to ‘darkly roasted’”

“Undercooked meat is a rare treat”

“Coffee is proof that mornings were created for a reason”

“If heaven had a flavour, it would be coffee”

“Coffee is like a warm fireplace for the soul”

“If heaven had a flavor, it would be coffee”

“Not yet. Not yet. Not yet. EAT ME NOW. Too late.—Avocados”

“Keep your nose in your mask and out of my business”

“Keep your nose in your mask and out my business bitch”

Covid Gate (COVID-19 + -gate)

Coronagate (coronavirus + -gate)

“I almost caught COVID yesterday, but I quickly stood on a social distancing sticker”

“Trans girls float really well. They’re boyn’t”

“I know several jokes in sign language. I guarantee nobody has ever heard them”

“People who used to be late and blamed it on traffic are still late to their Zoom meetings”

“Never underestimate the importance of being properly caffeinated”

“How many politicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?” (joke)

“The existence of the meatball sub implies that there is a meatball dom”

“If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business”

“If you want to start a company and run it yourself then that’s your business”

“Don’t touch the whatchamacallit because it will make the doohickey not work with the thingamabob”

“Why is it called a sperm bank and not a cumpany?”

“Why do girls float?”/“They’re boyn’t.”

“I put the thingamabob inside the whatchamacallit, turned the doohickey…”

“I’ve mixed I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter with butter & now I don’t know what to believe!”

“What’s the saddest hole in a building?”/“A weep hole.”

“End the war before it ends you”

“Orthodontists are going on strike. Brace yourself!”

“When the citizens question their government, it’s called a conspiracy theory”

“What rock group has four members who can’t sing or play instruments?”/“Mount Rushmore.”

“Dentists are going on strike. Brace yourself!”

“When the media is behind your movement, you aren’t the resistance”

“Orthodontists are going on strike. Brace yourselves!”

“Dentists are going on strike. Brace yourselves!”

“Keep your fronds close and your anemones closer”

“What do you call a dental X-ray?”/“A tooth-pic.”

“I ran over 5 miles today. Like, what are the odds they were all named Miles? Crazy”

“Keep your ferns close and your anemones closer”