“Why are girls so good at swimming?”/“Because they are boyn’t.”

“Drink your coffee and grab Monday by the beans”

“You can put 30 different fruits in a smoothie, but put a banana in and it’s a banana smoothie”

“You know why women’s eyes are so noticeable these days? It’s the mask era”

“I’m fat, but I identify as slim. I’m translender”

“I’m not fat, I’m translender”

“I’m not fat, I’m trans-slender”

Translender

“I’m fat, but I identify as skinny. I’m translender”

“I’m fat, but I identify as skinny. I’m trans-slender”

“I’m fat, but I identify as slim. I’m trans-slender”

Trans-slender

“What is a brothel? Is it a soup factory?”

“Brothel? Oh, I’m not looking to make soup”

“I’m really pleased with my vegetable patch. Haven’t wanted a vegetable in weeks”

“I’m just a girl, standing in front of a Tuesday, asking it to be a Friday”

“Criminalized Onions” (“caramelized” mistake)

“Hello darkness, my old friend. Soon you’ll start at 5 p.m.” (September saying)

“Hello darkness, my old friend. Soon you’ll be here at 4 p.m.” (October saying)

“Hello darkness, my old friend. Soon you’ll be here at 5 p.m.” (September saying)

“Hello darkness, my old friend. Why are you here, it’s 4 p.m.” (October saying)

“Hello darkness, my old friend. Why are you here, it’s 5 p.m.” (October saying)

“If the news is fake, imagine how bad history is”

“For Halloween, I’m going to go as a normal person with no mask”

“I don’t have a problem with caffeine. I have a problem without caffeine”

“I’m not saying I don’t like you, but I would unplug your life support to make a pot of coffee”

“Coffee table? Psh. Those are for people that actually put their coffee down”

“Coffee: Is the planet shaking or is it just me?”

“Coaster?? That’s for people who put their coffee down”

“Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams, and Bruno Mars walk into a bar…” (bar joke)

“At my age, ‘getting lucky’ means having coffee without interruption”

“I don’t have a problem with caffeine. I have a problem without it”

“Sometimes I go hours without drinking coffee. It’s called sleeping”

“I run entirely on caffeine and anger”

“I run on caffeine and anger”

“If coffee can’t fix it, it’s a serious problem”

“Quitters make excuses. Winners make coffee”

“Whiners make excuses. Winners make coffee”

“I run entirely on caffeine, sarcasm and inappropriate thoughts”

“I run entirely on caffeine, sarcasm, lifting weights and inappropriate thoughts”

“I run entirely on caffeine and inappropriate thoughts”

“Fueled by caffeine, sarcasm and inappropriate thoughts”

Streetery (street + eatery)

Streatery (street + eatery)

“A guy only 3 feet, 3 inches tall showed up at my house. It was the meter man”

Streetery (eatery on a street)

Streatery (eatery on a street)

“I don’t always go the extra mile, but when I do it’s because I missed my exit”

“Medicine is not health care. Food is health care. Medicine is sick care”

“Medicine is not healthcare. Food is healthcare. Medicine is sickcare”

“We always go the extra mile because we missed the last exit”

“If you can’t stand watching it be produced, you shouldn’t be eating it”

“If you can’t pronounce it, don’t buy it” (food labels and purchases)

“If you can’t pronounce it, you shouldn’t be eating it”

“If you can’t stand watching it being produced. you shouldn’t be eating it”

“Why does cling wrap stick to everything except what you want it to?”

“I told my builder I didn’t want carpeted steps. He gave me a blank stair”

“I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps. He gave me a blank stair”

“I told my carpenter I didn’t want carpeted steps. He gave me a blank stair”

“What seafood got its great body with a strict sauna regimen?”/“Steamed mussels.”

“Have you heard about the sauna that serves food? Their specialty is steamed mussels”

“The bubonic plague, the flu, and HIV walk into a bar… (bar joke)

Unidentified Frying Object (UFO)

“What did the astronaut see on the stove?”/“An unidentified frying object.”

“What did the astronaut cook for lunch?”/“An unidentified frying object.”

“What did the astronaut see on his skillet?”/“Unidentified frying objects.”

“COVID-19, the flu, and a common cold walk into a bar…” (bar joke)

“Coronavirus, the flu, and a common cold walk into a bar…” (bar joke)

“A puddle of vomit goes into a bar…” (bar joke)

“Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat”

Zoombie (Zoom + zombie)

“Education pays off in the long run” (marathoner joke)

“The vaccine should be tested on politicians first. If they survive, the vaccine is safe…”

“Are people born with a photographic memories or does it take time to develop?”

“Defund the media” (#DefundtheMedia)

“If an onion rings, answer it”

Zoominar (Zoom + seminar)

“Burpees? I thought you said ‘beer please’”

“Burpees? Yeah, no. I thought you said Slurpees”

“If you’re not sweating at the gym, you ain’t doing it right”

1400+ Coronavirus (COVID-19) pandemic quotes, jokes, riddles, puns, pickup lines, memes, etc., Pt. 2

“The quicker I give all my rights away, the quicker I will get them all back…”

“My food is grown, not born”

“Tofu never screams”

“Don’t ask me about my protein and I won’t ask you about your cholesterol”

“If you keep a sword in one hand and the decapitated head of an enemy in the other…”