“If you’re not dripping with sweat at the gym, you ain’t doing it right”

“Before you buy anything online, ask yourself, ‘Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that item…’”

“College prepares you for real life right away. It puts you in debt”

“The dishwasher put plates and bowls in the wrong order. He was dishlexic”

“My wife says I put plates and bowls in the wrong cupboards. She thinks I’m dishlexic”

“The only thing we need from animals is forgiveness”

“I’m not really interested in tobogganing, but I would probably do it if pushed”

“Not your mom, not your milk”

“Not your mum, not your milk”

“Oh kale no”

“Whiskey helps me appreciate the little things in life, like shot glasses”

“Whiskey helps me appreciate the smaller things in life, like shot glasses”

“Whiskey helps me appreciate the small things in life, like shot glasses”

“A spoon is just a small bowl with a handle”

“Vodka helps me appreciate the small things in life, like shot glasses”

“Tequila helps me appreciate the little things in life, like shot glasses”

“Tequila helps me appreciate the smaller things in life, like shot glasses”

“Vodka helps me appreciate the smaller things in life, like shot glasses”

“Vodka helps me appreciate the little things in life, like shot glasses”

“Tequila helps me appreciate the small things in life, like shot glasses”

Clowns In America (Central Intelligence Agency or CIA nickname)

Child Import Agency (Central Intelligence Agency or CIA nickname)

World Theft Organization (World Trade Organization or WTO nickname)

Fraud and Deception Agency (Food and Drug Adminstration or FDA nickname)

Fraud and Deception Administration (Food and Drug Administration or FDA nickname)

Federal Bureau of Incompetency (Federal Bureau of Investigation or FBI nickname)

Clowns In Action (Central Intelligence Agency or CIA nickname)

“Y did the chicken X the road? Solve for Y”

“I went to the doctors and asked what was the best exercise to lose weight…”

“The best exercise to lose weight is to push yourself away from the table”

“The best exercise to lose weight is to shake your head back and forth no (more food)”

“A Zamboni is a sports car”

“My personal style is best described as ‘didn’t expect to get out of the car’”

“‘I’m just gonna get gas in the morning” is one of the worst decisions you can make as an adult”

“The best things in life are cruelty free” (vegan saying)

“You’re not lactose intolerant. You’re just not a baby cow”

“What’s the presidential ventilator called?”/“Forced Air One.”

“Student: You teach only useless crap! Teacher: Don’t be so hard on yourself.”

“No grain, no pain”

“No pain, no grain”

“Eat meat, not wheat”

“Spoons are just little bowls with handles”

“I’m grateful to whoever saw beans fried once and said, ‘This isn’t enough’”

“Eat, sleep, save animals. Repeat”

“Eat, sleep and save animals. Repeat daily!”

“I recently took my apiary exam. I got a B”

“Animals belong in our hearts, not our stomachs”

“People who do yoga can go fuck themselves”

“People who boast about how good they are at yoga can go fuck themselves”

“Animals belong in your heart, not your stomach”

“Animals belong in our hearts, not in our stomachs”

“Tired of being fat and ugly? Just be ugly” (gym sign)

“Do people who run marathons know that they don’t have to?”

“Do people who run marathons know about cars?”

“Do people who run marathons know they can just drive?”

“Running reminds you that even in your weakest moments…you are strong”

“Running reminds us that even in our weakest moments, we are strong”

“Welcome to 2020. If you don’t already suffer from an anxiety disorder, one will be assigned”

“Eat to fuel your body, not to feed your emotions”

“Eat to fuel your body, not your emotions”

“If the sweat ain’t flying, you ain’t trying”

“Birthday suits tailored here” (gym sign)

“Burpees? I thought you said Slurpees”

“Why does Mr. Potato have a mobile phone?”/“Just in case Mr. Onion rings.”

“One minute you are young and fun and the next minute you’re excited about a crockpot”

“One minute you’re young and fun and the next minute you’re excited about a new vacuum”

“One minute you’re young and fun and the next minute you’re excited about an air fryer”

“Just a reminder that mammogramming your boobs is more important than Instagramming them”

“Eat fruit, not friends”

“A positive attitude is contagious, but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier”

“Just renewed my gin membership”

“Eat fruits, not friends”

“Imitation is the sincerest form of crab meat”

“Don’t trust people that do acupuncture. They’re back stabbers”

“Never trust an acupuncturist. They’re backstabbers”

“We live in a society where the free thinking, open-minded people are called crazy…”

“Humans are the only animal to drink the milk of another species”

“When should you go on a cheese diet?”/“When you need to cheddar a few pounds.”

“He went on a cheese diet in order to cheddar few pounds”

“Is it OK that I start drinking as soon as the kids go to school? Or am I just a bad teacher?”

“Why did the one-handed man cross the road?”/“He wanted to go to a second hand store.”

“What is the most expensive video-streaming service at this time?”/“College.”

“Why does someone who runs marathons make a good student?” (joke)

“I was feeding cannabis-laced brownies to the seabirds. No tern was left unstoned”

“Just call me the little engine that said, ‘OK, but I need some coffee first’”

“Where do toilets come from?”/“They grow on lavatrees.”

“What do baby mathematicians drink?”/“Formula.”

“Where do toilets come from?”/“They grow on toiletries.”

“Two flies are playing football in a saucer. One says, ‘Play better. Tomorrow, we’re in the cup!’”

“Went to the bathroom earlier and took a poo. Not sure whose it was, but it’s mine now”

“What do you call a farm that sells chickens and pigs?”/“A chicken bacon ranch.”

“Where does toilet paper come from?”/“Toiletries.”

“If your personal choices have a victim, it is no longer a personal choice”

“The closest I get to a spa day is when the steam from the dishwasher smacks me in the face”

“The older you get, the uglier you’re willing to go out in public”

“What do you call an average comic?”/“A co-median.”

“Vodka is vegan”

“A food truck is the opposite of a drive-thru”

“Strong people don’t eat helpless animals”

“Why are two medians in a single data set funny?”/“Because it’s a co-median.”