“The only way to get ahead is to decapitate someone”

“The older I get, the uglier I’m willing to go out in public”

“Blowing on the wine in your coffee mug to convince the rest of the zoom meeting that it is tea”

“I used to think drinking was bad for me…so I gave up thinking”

Great Bright Way (Broadway)

Great Bright Way (Broadway nickname)

Legacy Robe (Gypsy Robe)

“Why are you staring at my bumper? You pervert!” (bumper sticker)

“Why are you staring at my bumper sticker?” (bumper sticker)

Great Dark Way (Broadway nickname, during theater closures)

“I just can’t handle automatic doors”

Great Dark Way (Broadway, during theater closures)

“My other bumper sticker is funny” (bumper sticker)

“My other car bumper sticker is funny” (bumper sticker)

“I wish 8 hours of sleep went as slow as 8 hours of work or school”

“I wish 8 hours of sleep went as slow as 8 hours of work”

“I wish 7 hours of sleep went as slow as 7 hours of school”

“Sunny D tastes like someone made a bet that they could make orange juice without oranges”

“I hate when I walk into the kitchen for food and only find ingredients”

“I hate when I go to the kitchen looking for food and all I find are ingredients”

“Irony: having a coke machine reject your dollar bill for it being rolled up too many times”

“Zoot (noun): when you toot on a zoom call”

“Nachos are just tacos that don’t have their life together”

“I told a joke on a Zoom call today and no one laughed. I guess I’m not remotely funny”

“We will continue to have meetings until we find out why no work is getting done”

“Nachos not negativity”

“Surround yourself with nachos, not negativity”

“A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern…” (bar joke)

“Nachos are just tacos that don’t have their shit together”

“Animals are my friends…and I don’t eat my friends”

“The cool kids don’t eat animals”

Jexit (Jewish/Jews + exit)

Jexodus (Jewish/Jews + exodus)

“We will continue having meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done”

“We will continue having lots of meetings until we find out why no work is getting done”

“Loving animals mean loving all animals, not just the ones we share our homes with”

“Entrepreneurship is the use of self-interest in the service of others…”

“A tub of margarine fell on my foot 3 weeks ago and it still hurts. I can’t believe it’s not better”

“Loving animals means loving all animals, not just the ones we share our homes with”

“Mean without caffeine”

“I’m quitting to pursue my dream of not working here”

“Politics is the use of others in the service of self-interest…”

“Believing the medical industry desires a healthy population…”

“My tolerance for alcohol is way higher than my tolerance for people”

“Arms change. Rights don’t”

“New walk of shame: Walking back to your car because you forgot your mask”

“Walking back to the car because you forgot your mask is the new kinda pissed off”

“My tolerance for alcohol is much higher than my tolerance for people”

“EARTHLINGS, WE HAVE KILLED YOUR LEADERS AND ARE HERE TO TAKE OVER” (joke)

“My tolerance for alcohol is higher than my tolerance for people”

“Roses are red. Contagion is plenty. I’m drinking for breakfast, Because fuck 2020”

“Because of COVID-19 for the first time since 1945 the National Spelling Bee is cancil… cancul…”

“This is the first year I haven’t done the London Marathon because of Covid-19…” (joke)

“Life is like a box of chocolates. It sucks if you have diabetes”

“Life is like a box of chocolates. Not as fun with diabetes”

“I can always tell, just by looking, when someone is lying” (joke)

“For my next trick, I will disappear. ‘Fuck you, pear! You taste like shit!’”

“Wanted: Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange”

“Did my good deed for the day and gave up my seat for an elderly lady” (joke)

“They say you are what you eat. That’s funny. I don’t remember eating a sexy beast this morning”

“I can always tell when someone is lying just by looking at them” (joke)

“They say you are what you eat. That’s funny. I don’t remember eating a sexy beast for breakfast”

“Grow gardens, not government”

“I plan on marrying into a family that does mimosas on holiday mornings instead of 5K’s”

“I have a feeling that my ‘check liver’ light’ may come on this weekend”

“One of my biggest fears is that I’ll marry into a family that does 5Ks on holidays”

“Halloween really is the perfect time to get rid of all those Chinese food condiment packets”

“We don’t need to eat anyone who would run, swim, or fly away if he could”

“Halloween is the perfect time to redistribute those undesired condiment packets of ketchup…”

“Halloween really is the perfect time to get rid of all those Taco Bell hot sauce packets”

“I think my ‘check liver’ light is going to come on soon”

“I haven’t tried yoga, but I have tried bending over to pick up my keys…”

“Vegans are like adults. First you hate them, then you become one and realize they were right”

“Does anyone know where adults can trick or treat? Looking for a neighborhood that hands out tacos”

“Keto diet? I thought you said taquito diet”

“My daughter said she saw a deer on the way to school. How did she know it was going to school?”

“What is Tinker Bell’s Mexican sister’s name?”/“Taco Bell.”

“I got a job at Spectrum and completed training so I could fix my own cable…” (joke)

“Wanna hear a joke about a parking ticket?”/“No.”/“Fine.”

“I got a job at Comcast and completed training so I could fix my own cable…” (joke)

“I’m really upset because I got my doctor’s test results. Turns out I’m not gonna be a doctor”

“If you took all the fraud out of politics, there might not be a lot left”

“I’m not a procrastinator. I just prefer doing all my work in a deadline-induced panic”

“Vote or die”

“I run on coffee and bad decisions”

“People of quality don’t fear equality”

“People of quality do not fear equality”

“Vote like your life depends on it”

“Men of quality do not fear equality”

“Men of quality don’t fear equality”

“Vote like your rights depend on it”

“I’m running on coffee and bad decisions”

“If it doesn’t bring you income, inspiration or orgasms, it doesn’t belong in your life”

“If you eat today, thank a farmer. If you eat in peace, thank a veteran”

“The new American dream is to be left the hell alone”

“Today’s American Dream is to be left the fuck alone”

“How did the zombie bodybuilder hurt his back?”/“He was dead lifting.”

“What does a zombie bodybuilder crave?”/“GAAAAAAAIIINNNS!”

“I’m writing a book about hurricanes and tornadoes. It’s only a draft at the moment”

“Libertarians: Diligently plotting to take over the world and leave you alone”