“If you eat today, thank a farmer. If it’s on your table, thank a trucker”

“Vegan is not a diet. It is a choice your heart makes”

“Veganism is not a diet. It is a choice your heart makes”

“I speak fluent French (fries)”

“Imagine a virus so deadly that you have to be tested to know if you have it”

“Imagine a virus so dangerous that you have to be tested to know if you have it”

“I speak French (fries)”

“French fries are just edible ketchup spoons”

“One large mocha Xanax vodka latte with whipped cream and Valium sprinkles please”

“I went to a smoke shop, but it had been replaced by an apparel store. Clothes, but no cigar”

“Fries: A friend to starving vegans in restaurants everywhere”

“Needs one large mocha Prozac vodka latte, complete with whipped cream and Valium sprinkles”

“Making good people helpless won’t make bad people harmless”

“Good morning class. Today’s lesson is on Whole Numbers and I need your undivided attention”

“Hollandaise sauce is just warm mayonnaise”

“Halloween. Wearing masks, eating candy, listening to scary stuff…”

“Aioli is just bougie mayonnaise”

“Hollandaise is just mayonnaise made of ground up people from Holland”

“Hollandaise sauce is just hot mayonnaise”

“I know she ate a worm, but we are not here to debate de bait deb ate”

“Hollandaise sauce is just mayonnaise that did a semester abroad”

“Anyone else feel like Halloween is unnecessary this year? I’ve been wearing a mask…”

“How much citrus does it take to kill a pirate?”/“None.”

“How many citrus fruits does it take to kill a pirate?”/“None.”

“Excuses don’t save animals”

“Hot Pockets are a poor man’s stromboli”

“Optometrists live longer because they dilate”

“Hot Pockets are just mini strombolis”

“What is a guitar player’s favorite Italian food?”/“Strumboli.”

“Stromboli is just a sophisticated hot pocket”

“Stromboli is just fancy Hot Pockets”

“This mask is as useless as the government” (face mask saying)

“There are things we are taught to accept without question…”

“Why, yes, I could start my day without coffee. But I like being able to remember things…”

“I tried starting my day without coffee once… My court date is pending”

“Exercise? I thought you said extra slice”

“What does a pizza wear to smell good?”/“Calzogne.”

“I remember when Halloween was the scariest night of the year. Now, it’s election night”

“Anger management courses are now all the rage”

“Exercise? I thought you said extra slice”

“Anger management classes are all the rage”

Disgracebook (disgrace + Facebook)

“Please bring me a screwdriver.”/“Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?”

“Cashier: The self-checkout is available. Customer: I don’t work here.”

“I believe in the two-party system—one on Friday night and one on Saturday night”

“Whoever said all men were created equal has obviously never received dick pics!”

“I’m the sole provider for my family. They can buy the rest of the shoes themselves…”

“Chili is basically just hamburger soup”

“Lives matter! If you need a color in front of those words, you’re a racist”

“Why shouldn’t you run while playing bagpipes?”/“You could trip and get kilt.”

Shitter (shit + Twitter)

“The person who said ‘All men are created equal’ has never watched a porno movie”

“Whoever said ‘All men are created equal’ has never taken a shower at the YMCA”

“Whoever said ‘All men are created equal’ has never been in a locker room”

“Whoever said ‘All men are created equal’ has obviously never been to a nude beach”

“Whoever said ‘All men were created equal’ has never been to a nudist colony”

“Mice die in mouse traps because they don’t understand why the cheese is free…”

“Socialism is like a mouse trap. The mouse doesn’t understand why the cheese is free”

“Bananas are fruit sausage”

“A banana is just a vegan sausage”

“If you repeat a lie often enough, it becomes politics”

“Wash your hands and say your prayers because Jesus and germs are everywhere”

“Wear a mask and say a prayer because Jesus and germs are everywhere”

“Why don’t monsters eat ghosts?”/“Because they taste like sheet.”

“Why don’t zombies eat ghosts?”/“Because they taste like sheet.”

“This mask is as useless as our politicians” (face mask saying)

Not-So-Great Reset

“This mask is as useless as our governor” (face mask saying)

“I bought some HP sauce the other day. It’s costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years”

“If government is the answer, it was a stupid question”

“Orwell called them thought police. Big Tech calls them fact checkers”

“13: I’m the worst number. 666: That’s cute. 2020: Hold my beer”

“Legalize recreational dining”

“Parents spend 10-20 years making you eat vegetables,. Then when you go vegan, they freak out”

“My desire to stay well-informed is at odds with my desire to stay sane”

“What’s the best field event in athletics? Discus”

“Three main rules of American engineering: (1) Always use the right tool for the job…”

“Finding a mask in your pocket is the new equivalent of finding a fiver”

“‘Where do you get your protein?’ The same place your protein gets theirs”

“Finding a mask in your pocket is the new finding $5 in your pocket”

“Does anyone have any spare conspiracy theories? Mine are all coming true…”

“When I order Amazon chicken pellets, I get an email a few days later asking for their feed back!”

“What is the best track and field sport? Discus”

“Iamonthemoonandthereisnowheretogetabeer. Thereisnospacebar”

“4 Norse gods, 1 Roman god, and 2 astronomical bodies walk into a bar…” (bar joke)

Federal Bullshit Investigations (Federal Bureau of Investigation or FBI nickname)

“I like frozen apples. They’re hardcore”

“Halloween costume idea: You should go as the person you pretend to be on Facebook”

“My desire to be well-informed is currently at odds with my desire to remain sane”

“What did the sound engineer say on his last day of work?”/“Audios.”

“There is no such thing as vegan food. It is either vegan or it isn’t food”

“This Halloween you should go as the person you pretend to be on Grindr”

“For Halloween you should go as the person you claim to be on Facebook”

“For Halloween you should go as the person you claim to be on Instagram”

“For Halloween you should go as the person you claim to be on social media”

“For Halloween you should go as the person you claim to be on Twitter”

“How are you going to fight me with a block of cheese?”/“It’s extra sharp.”

“4 Norse gods, 1 Roman god, and 2 astrological bodies walk into a bar…” (bar joke)

“Fun Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the ‘send’ button by 89%”

“Alcohol increases the size of the ‘send’ button by 90%”