“It’s not that the majority is silent. It’s that the media is silent about the majority”

“I have a hard time finishing what I sta—”

“How do dog catchers get paid?”/“By the pound.”

“Dog catchers get paid by the pound”

“A busy night at Stonehenge as workers move all the stones back one hour”

“I stayed up to watch daylight savings time. It was still dark”

“I taught a wolf to meditate. Now he’s aware wolf”

“What do you call a dinosaur who is easy to clean, heat resistant and long lasting?”/“Py-rex.”

“What do you call a dinosaur made of glass?”/“A Py-rex.”

“My wife asked me if I could clear the kitchen table. I had to get a running start but I made it!”

“How many surrealist painters does it take to change a lightbulb?”/“A fish.”

“A busy night at Stonehenge as workers move all the stones forward one hour”

“Why do big-game hunters mount lions’ heads?”/“To mount the other end would be a catastrophe.”

“Your obedience is prolonging this nightmare”

“Can you tell me when the next train is coming?”/“Look online.” (“on line” pun)

“There’s no way like the American way. World’s highest standard of living”

“Snow isn’t dangerous, but ISIS”

“Can you tell me when the next train is coming?”/“Look online.” (joke)

CovidCon

“If 2020 was a bath bomb, it would be a fucking toaster”

“To kill a French vampire, you need to drive a baguette through its heart. It’s painstaking”

“Don’t make me use my before coffee voice”

“I finally got it all together, and then I forgot where I put it”

“How many bones are in a human body?”/“Usually, all of them.”

“How many bones are in your head?”/“All of them.”

“What has four legs and one arm?”/“A happy pit bull.”

“I’ve got it all together. I just forgot where I put it”

“If judging others is a sin, is Santa going to hell?”

“I finally got it all together, but I forgot where I put it”

“How many bones are in your hand?”/“A handful.”

“How many bones are in the human foot?”/“All of them.”

“Voluntaryists: Diligently plotting to teach people that taxation is theft…”

“I am not a ‘glass half full’ type of person. I am a ‘where did I put my glass’ kind of person”

“Why did the vegetable never meet his father?”/“Because he had a dead beet dad.”

“Hello, government? I’d like to unsubscribe from your ‘service’”

“The first step to changing the system is to stop complying with it”

“American Idol can count 130 million votes in a commercial break. This is annoying”

“What do you get after eating horsemeat?”/“The trots.”

“Someone offered me a nice cup of green tea. So naturally I said yes, matcha-bliged”

“American Idol can count 130 million votes during a commercial break. No excuse for this”

“Feels like the whole country is on Maury waiting to find out who’s the father”

“Statism: The world’s most popular religion”

“What do democracy and football have in common?”/“Adding the word ‘American’ changes the meaning.”

“Statism: The belief that you require permission to be free”

“Does anyone know if I can buy clothes pegs online?”

“Statism is the national religion. Public school is where the catechism is taught”

“After playing guitar for years, I thought I could learn to play the piano…”

“What do you call thistle that grows in far away places?”/“Thattle.”

“Can you buy clothes pegs online?” (joke)

“A system that has no problems printing currency without wealth will print votes without voters”

“Be sure to bring up politics at Thanksgiving this year to save on Christmas gifts”

“I just saved a ton of money on Christmas presents by discussing politics on Facebook”

“I just saved a ton of money on Christmas presents by discussing politics over Thanksgiving dinner”

“Statism: The most dangerous religion”

“With all this stress eating, I’ll be at 270 before either candidate will be”

“Socialism is resentment disguised as compassion enforced by tyranny disguised as tolerance”

“Aren’t you supposed to call a doctor if your election lasts this long?”

“Dementia can lead to obesity. Especially if you keep forgetting you’re on a diet”

“A man without a government is like a lion without a circus”

“What do songwriters compose in bed?”/“Sheet music.”

“Why did the composer spend all his time in bed?”/“He wrote sheet music.”

“Farting in bed is just sheet music”

“What do you call a fart in bed?”/“Sheet music!”

“What type of trainers do chickens wear?”/“Ree-bok-bok-bok-bok.”

“Did anyone ask cauliflower if it wanted to be all these things?”

“Where does all my money go? It’s like, hocus pocus I’m brocus”

“What kind of shoes do chickens wear?”/“Ree-bok-bok-bok.”

“Where does all my money go? It’s like, hocus pocus I’m brokus”

“Why did the piano player cross the road?”/“To get to the other stride.”

Arkansas: “Arkansas is the only state mentioned in the Bible” (joke)

“Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?”

“Why did the hot dogs need more room?”/“They were over-krauted.”

“Does anyone know if the Arachnophobia Helpline has a website?”

“I wonder if the arachnophobia support group has a web site”

“How do fish lose weight?”/“They Swim-fast.”

“Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill. Tomorrow my goal is to turn it on”

“What type of sneakers do chickens wear?”/“Ree-bok-bok-bok-bok.”

“I wonder if the Arachnophobia Hotline has a web site”

“Having a big nose is no excuse for not wearing a mask. I still wear underwear”

“You know you’re getting old when ‘friends with benefits’ means someone who can drive at night”

“Food is the most primitive form of comfort”

“What is a room full of sauerkraut?”/“Over-krauted.”

“‘Per my last email’ is office speak for ‘bitch can you read’”

“Does the Michelin Man get dressed in evening a tire?”

“Revolving doors are revolutionary”

Overkrauted (too much sauerkraut)

“What languages do pigs speak?”/“Porktuguese.”

“When someone close to you dies, move seats”

“Porktuguese is like the other Romance Languages, except that it evolved from pig Latin”

“Where do baby cows eat lunch?”/“At a calf-ateria.”

“What should we do with people who rely on government handouts but are too lazy to work?” (joke)

“How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!”

“Why did the ghost cross the road?”/“Because it was a poultrygeist.”

“They gave their tomorrows for our todays”

Holler-peño (holler + jalapeño)

“When you go home, tell them of us and say, ‘For your tomorrow, we gave our today’”

“What should we do with people who rely on government handouts, but refuse to work?” (joke)

“What type of pepper is so hot it makes you scream?”/“A holler-peño.”

Hollar-peño (holler + jalapeño)

“They gave their tomorrow for our today”