“I just yelled into a colander and strained my voice”

“A man bitten twice by the same snake is a fool”

“A horse walks into a bar. Show jumping at its worst” (bar joke)

“I figured out why Teslas are so expensive. It’s because they charge a lot”

“Why did the hipster refuse to undergo surgery?”/“The anesthesia wasn’t local.”

Big Apple Grill & Bar (Puryear, TN and Murray, KY)

“What do you call a crazy judge?”/“Judge-mental.”

“Wife and I exchanged Valentine’s Day cards at the store. Then we put them back on the rack”

“Hubby and I exchanged Valentine’s Day cards at the store. Then we put them back on the rack”

“Let’s see, which emotional issues shall I bury under deep layers of sarcasm today?”

“When a bicycle thief goes to jail, it is because he was peddling stolen goods”

“Me: I’m sad. I need a purpose My brain: Did you say a purchase?”

“War propaganda left unchecked for a single generation becomes history”

“Why did the picture go to jail?”/“Because it was framed.”

“If we can’t trust people with freedom, how can we trust them with power?”

“The Pharmaceutical industry does not create cures. They create customers”

“Seeds are the ultimate zip files”

“If you can’t trust people with freedom, how can you trust people with power?”

“My wife just gave me a restraining order. Who knew there was a correct way to use a colander?”

“Big Pharma does not create cures. They create customers”

“Once upon a time, all food was organic”

“Anyone know how much vodka goes into scrambled eggs?”

“What do you call a levitating monk?”/“An air friar.”

“Voting: Giving grown adults the illusion of control”

“Big Sibling is watching you”

“Gender neutral non-binary older sibling is watching you”

“They don’t want you to have free speech. so they invented the term ‘hate speech’ to shut you up”

“Good morning, self-isolation inmates! Anyone know how much vodka goes in scrambled eggs?”

“Real men don’t have Xboxes, they got toolboxes and tackleboxes”

“You call me paranoid. I call you uninformed”

“What do you call a monk riding in a hot air balloon?”/“An air friar.”

“Ice cubes are just domesticated ice”

“Most people wish to serve God, but only in an advisory capacity”

“Most people wish to serve God, but in an advisory capacity only”

“Laughter is a tranquilizer with no side effects”

“Ice cubes are just domesticated icebergs”

“Ice cubes are just domesticated glaciers”

“Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician”

“Failure is success in progress”

“One Nation Under CCTV”

National Fixed League (National Football League or NFL nickname)

“Oreos are the peasant version of macarons”

“Why did the marble countertop leave the kitchen?”/“It was tired of being taken for granite.”

“Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself”

“Waffles are essentially a series of miniature edible bowls that hold maple syrup”

“Oreos are just American macarons”

“Waffles are plates that are full of bowls”

“Does the jelly in a donut count as a serving of fruit? Asking for a friend”

“Waffles are just pancakes with tiny bowls for syrup”

“Life isn’t about finding yourself. It’s about creating yourself”

“I wish people were as passionate about regulating their government…”

“Cowboys go ‘yee haw’ and ninjas go ‘hee yaw’”

“Oreos are the poor man’s macarons”

“Macarons are hipster Oreos”

“Macarons are just bougie Oreos”

“A macaron is just an Oreo that studied abroad”

Freedom Shot (Covid vaccination nickname)

“Why did the pickle stop being a contortionist?”/“It was too cucumbersome.”

“Getting robbed? Just say no. Your robber legally cannot take any of your possessions”

“Getting mugged? Just say no. Your robber legally cannot take any of your possessions”

“Why is it sometimes difficult to carry multiple pickles?”/“They can be cucumbersome.”

“A real sign that you’ve made it is when your couches aren’t against a wall”

“The single greatest tool of oppression is ignorance”

“Gambling is only considered an addiction if you are bad at it”

“If your couch isn’t against a wall, you are unimaginably rich”

“Seems like if you’re good at gambling, you’re a professional. If you’re bad, it’s an addiction”

“I’m an amateur crastinator. Someday I’ll turn pro”

“I’m an amateur crastinator, but I’m hoping to go pro eventually”

“Ignorance is the single greatest tool of oppression”

“If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere”

“I used to just crastinate. Then I decided to go pro”

“Scientists have discovered that people will believe anything when you claim scientists…”

“Hotels offer you free breakfast not as a perk, but so that you get up and check out earlier”

“Yeast makes bread fluffy by eating sugar and filling it with fungus farts”

“Why were the coffee beans upset?”/“Because they got roasted.”

“Yeast breads are made from fungus farts”

“Why were the coffee beans upset?”/“Because they were grounded.”

“How do hedge fund workers jerk off?”/“They give it a short squeeze.”

“Do you know what always catches my eye? Short people with umbrellas”

“How do hedge fund workers masturbate?”/“They give it a short squeeze.”

“You’re more likely to die on your way to buy a lottery ticket than you are to actually win”

“I’m a crepe. I’m a weirdough. What the hell am I doughing here? I donut belong here”

Washington, DC: Da Capital (nickname)

“There are many different apple flavors, but only one apple juice flavor”

“Don’t worry, the bars are there to keep the freedom inside”

Washington, DC: Da Capitol (nickname)

“How do you make strange bread?”/“Use weirdough.”

“Remember what the valet who parked your car looks like. We don’t have valet parking”

“Adulthood is shopping for office supplies instead of school supplies”

“I’ve just turned off the news and put on a serial killer documentary to relax”

“Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms”

“What kind of person doesn’t like pizza? A weirdough”

“What type of person doesn’t like pizza? A weirdough”

“What do you call someone who doesn’t like bread?”/“A weirdough.”

“Once you awake, it’s hard to go back to sheep”

“Guacamole is Mexican hummus”

“Eating is kinda like ‘insert here to continue playing’”

“Only a weirdough doesn’t like pizza”

“A black speck on your TV screen isn’t too irritating until you’re trying to watch a hockey game”

“Once you are awake, it’s hard to go back to sheep”