“Molasses—what do they do with the rest of the mole?”

“How do you make a cheese puff?”/“Chase it around the kitchen.”

“How do you make a cheese puff?”/“Chase it around the block.”

“Why did the computer cross the road?”/“To get a byte to eat.”

“Why did the Chicken Tikka Masala cross the road?”/“Because it was in a curry.”

“Why did the computer cross the road?”/“Because it was programmed by the chicken.”

“Why did the chicken cross the road?”/“It was in a curry.”

“Watering something adds water, but milking something removes milk”

“Astronauts use Linux because you can’t open Windows in space”

“Why do astronauts use Linux?”/“Because they can’t open Windows in space.”

“What do you get when a bee is stuck in a garage?”/“Garbage.”

“I like people like I like my tea. In a bag…underwater”

“How do you make a potato puff?”/“Chase it around the garden.”

“Lions don’t lose sleep over the opinions of sheep”

“Lions never lose sleep over the opinions of sheep”

“A lion doesn’t lose sleep over the opinions of sheep”

“What do you call a spud in a hotel?”/“A suite potato.”

“I had a dream that I was a mechanic who fixed wrecked cars. It was an auto body experience”

“A lion never loses sleep over the opinions of sheep”

“A lion doesn’t concern himself with the opinions of a sheep”

“I refuse to work with compost. It’s degrading”

“I think someone’s been watering down my whiskey, but I don’t have the proof”

“‘Is Pepsi OK?’—World’s worst drug dealer”

“Why pay taxes when you can just print money?”

“Always remember, the first four letters in ‘butter’ is where it’s gonna go”

“What do you call someone who points out the obvious?”/“Someone who points out the obvious.”

“Violence is the tool of the state. Knowledge and the mind are the tools of free people”

“I saw a microbiologist today. He was bigger than I imagined”

“Why pay taxes when the government can just print money?”

“Why pay taxes when they can just print money?”

“The people who told you you don’t need guns and walls have surrounded themselves with…”

“What do you call a potato that makes videos?”/“A YouTUBER.”

“What do you call a potato that uploads videos?”/“A YouTuber.”

“What do you call a yam lover who makes vlogs?”/“A YouTuber.”

“I’m not a conspiracy theorist. I’m a bullshit analyzer”

“What do you call a potato in a hotel room?”/“A suite potato.”

“The information they censor is exactly what you need to know”

“Old slaves were in chains. New slaves are in denial”

“What do you call a yam in a hotel?”/“A suite potato.”

“We don’t need more cameras pointed at citizens. We need more cameras pointed at politicians”

“What’s something a drug dealer would never ask?”/“‘Is Pepsi okay?’”

“You might live in Texas if you shovel snow and need to mow your yard in the same week”

“Roses are red. Bacon is savory. The U.S. tax code is legalized slavery”

“Arroz by any other name would go well with enchiladas”

“Two types of people: People who think the government is looking out for their best interest…”

Phogeddaboudit (pho + fuhgeddaboudit)

“Bears invented honey glazed salmon”

“I got fired from my last job though I always gave 100%. Apparently that’s not how you mark exams”

“What’s an ideal name for a Vietnamese-Italian fusion restaurant?”/“Pho-geddaboudit.”

“Remember when global banking cartels screwing over the world was a conspiracy theory?”

“The closest some of us will ever get to heaven” (World Trade Center)

“The truth is extreme. To make it moderate is to lie”

“Why do ambassadors never get sick?”/“They have diplomatic immunity.”

“What do you call a particularly shitty vegetable?”/“Pro-deuce.”

“Why is cow meat called beef, pig meat called pork, and chicken meat just called chicken?”

“Coronavirus porn is going viral on PornHub. What a bunch of sick fucks”

“In tequila’s defense, I’ve done some pretty dumb stuff while completely sober, too”

“I was going to turn all my guns over to the government,  but I did a background check…”

“What did one fish say to the other fish?”/“Keep your mouth shut and you won’t get caught.”

“Cow meat is Beef, pig meat is Pork, deer meat is Venison, but chicken meat is Chicken”

“The last bite of a cookie isn’t really a bite because you don’t bite it”

Jewish Rye Bread

“We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass”

“Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my metabolism the most”

“What happens to deposed kings?”/“They get throne away.”

“Deposed kings get throne away”

“Back in my day, it was a game of dodgeball where you found out who really didn’t like you”

“In beer’s defense, I’ve done some pretty dumb stuff while sober, too”

“What do you get when you cross a highway with a bicycle?”/“Run over.”

“In alcohol’s defense, I’ve done some pretty dumb stuff while sober, too”

“Pornhub now has a category for Coronavirus videos. It’s for sick fucks”

“Words cannot express how much I hate emojis”

“I asked my gym instructor, “Can you teach me to do the splits?’ He said, ‘How flexible are you?’”

“What’s the point of being afraid of the zombie apocalypse when you’re already a zombie?”

“I went for a job as a contortionist. They asked, ‘How flexible are you?’” (joke)

“I got kicked out of the hospital after telling the coronavirus infected patients to stay positive”

“English major. You do the math”

“Why does lightning shock people?”/“Because it doesn’t know how to conduct itself.”

“Eating more fresh vegetables makes you an expert pooper. It’s right in the name: Pro deuce”

“How do you know when the weather is entertained?”/“When the thunder claps.”

“Why did the computer cross the road?”/“To get another bus.”

“Land of the fees, home of the caged”