“I don’t need sex. The government fucks me every day”

“I got fired from my last job though I always gave 100%. Apparently that’s not how you grade exams

“I went to a deli and said, ‘I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese’” (joke)

“Lego people live in homes made of their own flesh”

“Job offers be like: ‘We need a virgin with 2 years experience in sex’”

“I don’t need sex. The government screws me every day”

“If liars’ pants really did catch on fire, watching the news would be a lot more fun”

“Legos live in houses made of their own flesh”

“Job offers be like: ‘We need a virgin with 2 years of sexual experience’”

“Lego people live in houses made of their own flesh”

“I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts”

“Why did the taxidermist cross the road?”/“To get to the other hide.”

“Paid all my bills for the month. Does anyone have any good recipes with water?”

“How much do you spend on a bottle of wine?”/“About half an hour.”

“Why did the tanner cross the road?”/“To get to the other hide.”

“Why did the birdwatcher cross the road?”/“To get to the other hide.”

“How much should you spend on a bottle of wine?”/“About 30 minutes.”

“Why not move the clocks ahead on a Friday around 4PM?”

“Leftwing, Rightwing, Knowing”

“How much do you spend on a bottle of wine?”/“About 15 minutes.”

“What kind of dogs like car racing?”/“Lap dogs.”

“Why did the fur trapper cross the road?”/“To get to the otter’s hide.”

“What kind of dogs love car racing?”/“Lap dogs.”

“I wish the government would just ban itself”

“The Pillsbury Doughboy is a great roll model”

“Why did the fur trader cross the road?”/“To get to the other hide.”

“The Pillsbury Dough Boy is a great roll model”

“If they really hated us for our freedom, shouldn’t it just be a mild dislike by now?”

“Sometimes I wish the government would just ban itself”

“Pillsbury Doughboy: Roll model or son of a biscuit?”

“My next song is about subtraction. Take it away…”

“Elephants and asses are screwing the masses”

TurdPress or Turd Press (WordPress nickname)

“This next song is about subtraction. Take it away, boys”

“I’m running in a 0.0000005K run to raise awareness for laziness”

“The next song is all about subtractions. Take it away, boys”

“There once was a girl who loved pi…” (limerick)

“Three Nazis walk into a BAR…” (bar joke)

Turd Press or TurdPress (WordPress nickname)

“You know you’re from the country if you can smell the rain coming”

“If you can ‘smell the rain,’ you country as hell”

“You could give them a job laying down and they’ll get up and quit”

“Why is it called a break room when it’s full of everyone I need a break from?”

“If you can ‘smell’ rain, you country AF”

“You know you country if you can smell rain or snow”

“You can give them a job layng down and they’ll stand up to quit”

“A large group of Karens is called a Homeowners’ Association”

“If you can ‘smell’ rain, you country as hell”

“A large group of Karens is called an HOA”

“Inflation: Because the easiest way to steal your wealth is by cheapening your money”

“My wife of 60 years said let’s go upstairs and make love. I told her ‘Choose one, I can’t do both’”

“Croutons are just mini garlic breads”

“Strawberry is the only fruit with its seeds on the outside”

“When you’re ready for the weekend, but it’s only Tuesday”

“I’m ready for the weekend, but it’s only Tuesday”

“Strawberries really just said, ‘Fuck it, seeds on the outside’”

“After 30, you can’t eat Taco Bell and have sex in the same day”

“Pressing the lock button on your car keys twice is essential. Just like saving your game twice”

“‘Old’ is when your wife says, ‘Let’s go upstairs and make love’” (joke)

“If you’re not supposed to drink WD-40, why does it come with a straw?”

“If anyone wants to sponsor me, I’m doing a 0.0000005K run to raise awareness for laziness”

“Here’s to you and here’s to me, the best of friends we’ll always be” (toast)

“Elephants and asses are conning the masses”

“Croutons are just mini garlic bread”

“I don’t know why it’s called a ‘break room.’ It’s always full of people I need a break from”

“Elephants and asses are killing the masses”

“Elephants and asses are poisoning the masses”

“I have added ‘extensive experience in dealing with stupid people’ to my resume”

“After 40, you can’t have Taco Bell and sex in the same day”

“Last night I made a lamb curry, but apparently they prefer grass”

“Here’s to you and here’s to me. May we never disagree” (toast)

“Reading can seriously damage your ignorance”

“Whoever invented crotch waxing must have made a Brazilian dollars!”

“Waxing your bikini line shouldn’t cost a brazilian dollars”

“March 17 is over, please resume your normal nationality.  See you all on May 5”

“Conspiracy Theorist: A person who doesn’t watch as much TV as you do”

“You could give them a job sleeping and they’ll wake up and quit”

“Censorship is the child of fear and the father of ignorance”

“How much does a bikini wax cost?”/“A Brazilian dollars.”

“Why is ‘dark’ not spelled like ‘darc’?”/“Because you can’t C in the dark!”

“Arroz by any other name would smell like rice”

“Cheese omelettes are just egg quesadillas”

“To do list: Become teacher. Dress up as Gandalf. Tell class they shall not pass”

“Why is ‘dark’ spelled with a K and not a C?”/“Because you can’t C in the dark.”

“At LOTR 150, Professor Gandalf is kind of a jerk. He opened the class with, ‘YOU SHALL NOT PASS!’”

“The air fryer was probably invented by a guy who just wanted reheated french fries to taste good”

“Saw a bird eating a piece of avocado toast. Guess it was some kind of millennial falcon”

“If you see a class being taught by Gandalf, avoid it because YOU SHALL NOT PASS!”

“Social distancing protocols are nothing to be sneezed at”

“I’m glad cold season is over so allergy season can finally begin”

“A bagel is just a savoury donut”

“Croutons are just stale garlic bread”

“An SQL query goes into a restaurant…” (joke)

“I’m glad cold season is over so allergy season can finally start”

“A bagel is just a savory doughnut”

“A SQL query goes into a restaurant…” (joke)

“My child will not eat fish. What can I replace it with?”/“A cat. Cats love fish.”

“A cheese omelette is an egg quesadilla”

“A bagel is just a savoury doughnut”

“The real conspiracy theorists believe that the government cares about them…”