“Even Heaven has a wall, a gate, and extreme vetting to get in”

“Why did Jesus cross the road?”/“He didn’t. Jesus rode the cross.”

“Heaven has a wall and strict immigration policies. Hell has open borders”

“Why did Jesus cross the road?”/“He saw a crosswalk.”

“Spring cleaning is my favorite way to find out I’m a hoarder”

“Heaven has a wall, a gate, and a strict immigration policy. Hell has open borders”

“Why did Jesus cross the road?”/“God knows.”

“The only technique I’ve mastered from watching cooking shows is screaming”

“Why did Jesus cross the road?”/“To get a cross (across).”

“Spring cleaning is usually the time of year when I’m reminded that I’m a hoarder”

“I envy people who grow old gracefully. They age like fine wine. I’m aging like milk…”

“Open a can of worms” (idiom)

“With a name like Texas Instruments you’d think they would’ve made guitars, banjos, fiddles…”

“I’ve just opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos”

“Monday is just Taco Tuesday Eve”

“The longest drum solo was 10 hours, 26 minutes & was performed by the child sitting behind me…”

“Mondays are now ‘Taco Tuesday Eve’ until further notice”

“Golden retrievers don’t retrieve gold”

“Some people age like fine wine. Me? I aged like milk. I got sour and chunky”

“I’m going to be real pissed if I get my shit together and the world ends”

“Taco Tuesday Eve is why Mondays are great!”

“Monday? You mean Taco Tuesday Eve!”

New York Steamer (sandwich)

“Apple farmers in upstate New York were involved in cider trading”

“I don’t need sex because the government screws me every day”

“If the only job you can get is to teach the same subject you graduated at, it’s a pyramid scheme”

“It’s illegal to sell stocks from inside a bath of sparkling apple juice. In cider trading”

“What do you call a sad strawberry?”/“A blueberry.”

“The media is the virus. People’s behavior is the pandemic. Common sense is the cure”

New York Steamer (slang)

“The Black Eyed Peas can sing us a tune, but the chick peas can only hummus one”

“People bad mouth lotteries but everyone pays taxes and odds of winning the lottery…”

“What’s a tired dragon’s favorite steak?”/“Flamin’ yawn.”

“Did you hear about the guy who made a fortune investing in Apple? He was in cider trading”

“Got thrown out of the Stock Exchange for sitting in a bath full of Scrumpy, In cider trading”

“What has a foot, but no leg?”/“A ruler.”

“If you cannot question it, it’s not science. It’s propaganda”

“What did the sleepy dragon order at the fancy steakhouse?”/“Flaming yawn.”

“Censorship is the child of fear, the father of ignorance, desperate weapon of fascists everywhere”

“I don’t know if my pants are feeling loose because I’m losing weight, or the elastic…”

“Took a tip to buy shares in fermented apple juice. Got accused of in cider trading”

“Judge, 60% of my parking tickets are bogus” (joke)

“What do you call medical students who graduated online?”/“Google Docs.”

“Why did Dracula get tested for Covid-19?”/“Because of his coffin.”

“How do you know when Dracula catches Coronavirus?”/“When he’s always coffin.”

“Judge, I want to contest 80% of my parking tickets” (joke)

“What has 4 letters, sometimes has 9 letters, and never has 5 letters”

“What borders on stupidity?”/“Canada and Mexico.”

“Judge, I want to contest 50% of my parking tickets” (joke)

“What do you call physicians who work at Google?”/“Google Docs.”

“Why isn’t Dracula allowed out during COVID?”/“He’s always coffin.”

“It only takes one slow-walking person in the grocery store…”

“An archaeologist is just a grave robber with a degree”

“What do librarians take with them when they go fishing?”/“Bookworms.”

“I had to fly across the country for my vaccine, and, wow, are my arms sore”

“How do you get in contact with a Greek architect?”/“You column.”

“It only takes one slow-walking person in the supermarket…”

“What do librarians use for bait when they go fishing?”/“Bookworms.”

“The loudest way to open a bag of chips is to try to open it quietly”

“Archaeologists are just grave robbers with a degree”

Big Apple (Yeaju-Dake Escarpment, Battle of Okinawa, 1945)

“How do you make a Belgian waffle?”/“Ask him why they have never won the World Cup.”

“A good bowl of pasta is worth every penne”

“Pasta chefs are worth every penne”

Big Apple (USS Appalachian, 1946)

“Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?”

“Pasta is worth every penne”

“I used to work in a watch factory. I sat around making faces all day”

“I’ve found the key to happiness. Stay away from assholes”

“I spent my entire life savings on pasta. It was worth every penne”

“Why did the pervert cross the road?”/“He got stuck in the chicken.”

“We should dolphinately scale back on the fish puns”

“You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake”

Big Apple (Harlem bar/restaurant, 1934)

“A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips”

“The self-depreciation society is taking applications for new members. I’ve already put myself down”

“I’ve just released my own fragrance. But no one in this elevator seems to like it”

Saratoga: Big Apple (New York racing circuit including the Saratoga Race Course)

“The self-deprecation society is taking applications for new members. I’ve already put myself down”

“We should dolphinitely scale back on the fish puns”

Big Apple dance craze (1937)

“I’ve just released my own fragrance. But no one on this bus seems to like it”

“I’ve just released my own fragrance. But no one on this train seems to like it”

La Grosse Pomme (Paris nightclub, 1937-1938)

“I’ve just released my own fragrance. Nobody in the car seemed to like it”

“I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines, but my right arm just told me…” (joke)

“Trusting Bill Gates with your health is like trusting Jeffrey Epstein with your daughter”

“I don’t usually brag about going to expensive places, but I just left the gas station”

“I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine, but I do believe my body will keep moving after death”

“I’m not saying I drink too much coffee, but I do believe my body will keep moving after death”

“4/20: National Pot Smokers Day 4/21: National Surprise Drug Test Day”

“Why did Eeyore cross the road?”/“To get to the other… sigh.”

“Apple” defined in Cab Calloway’s “Hepster’s Dictionary” (1938, 1944)

“The worst thing about an apple addiction is that you can’t see a doctor about it”

“Coffee Grindr—a dating app for people who are coffee gender”

Big Apple (drinks using applejack, 1938)

“The worst part of my apple addiction is not being able to see a doctor about it”

“Why the heck do underwear and socks come in resealable bags, but potato chips don’t?”

“I got a bill in the mail that said FINAL NOTICE. What a relief!”

“If you’re ever being chased by a pack of taxidermists, do not play dead”