“Pickle juice isn’t juiced pickles”

“Cucumbers are just diet watermelons”

“I need that kinda coffee that’s so strong when I take a sip, my ancestors wake up”

“When life gives you a broken taco, make tortilla chips”

“Life gave me onions. Onionade sucks”

“Jurassic restaurants always make the diner sore”

“When life gives you onions, make onionade”

“Life gave me onions. Onionade tastes terrible”

“Vaginas are like gyms…” (NSFW joke)

“Just had coffee so strong that it woke up my ancestors”

“25% of a pool is P”

Cuomo Nepotism Network (CNN nickname)

“Jobs that don’t exist anymore: 1. Steve”

“If life gives you onions, make onionade”

Cuomo Nepotism Network (CNN nickname)

“What do you call Sodium, Carbon, Hydrogen, and Oxygen Cheese?”/“NaCHO Cheese.”

“It’s funny how cucumber water can taste so much better than pickle juice…”

“Don’t California my Texas”

“If you mix sodium, carbon, hydrogen, oxygen and sulfur together, what do you get? NaCHOS!”

“Don’t NY my Florida”

“I heard a cactus fell in love with a fruit tree. They make a prickly pear”

“I’m so broke, the bank asked for their calendar back”

“The gallows are a really popular hang out spot if you ask me”

“Don’t New York my Florida”

Butlersburg (Empire City Race Track nickname)

“Warning: You’re being conditioned to view your freedom as ‘selfish’”

“Cucumbers are just savoury watermelons”

“Cucumbers are just baby watermelons”

“An Indian flatbread currency would be naan cents”

“Dude on tv just said, ‘Where there’s fat, there’s flavor.’ He was talking about food, but…”

Lane of Lights and Laughter (Broadway)

“My friend cuts up his Indian bread to look like coins. It’s naan cents”

COVID-911 (COVID-19 + 9/11)

“Cucumbers are just savory watermelons”

“This chef on TV said, ‘Where there’s fat, there’s flavor.’ I know he was talking about food…”

“Cucumbers are the watermelons of vegetables”

“Cucumber is the watermelon of the vegetable world”

“I can’t walk the walk or talk the talk, but if you need someone to drink the drink…”

“The good part of a cucumber is the bad part of a watermelon”

“I don’t always walk the walk or even talk the talk, but if you need someone to drink the drink…

“Cucumbers are just unsweetened watermelons”

“The best part of a cucumber is the worst part of a watermelon”

“A truckload of Brillo pads was stolen last night. Police are currently scouring the area”

“How long have you been working at that office?”/“Ever since they threatened to fire me.”

“The only gambling I do is buying shoes online”

“How long have you been working for the company?”/“Ever since the boss threatened to fire me.”

“Which is the most desired summer body this year?”/“The antibody.”

“I’ve got mood poisoning. It must be something that I hate”

“Cataract is the third biggest cause of blindness. Religion and politics remain the first two”

“What did the mouse say to the keyboard?”/“You’re just my type.”

“The playoffs don’t start until the home team loses a game”

“Tired: summer bodies. Wired: summer antibodies”

“I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate”

North Atlantic Terrorist Organization (North Atlantic Treaty Organization or NATO nickname)

“This tequila tastes like I’m not going to work tomorrow”

“Three bass players walk into a bar…” (bar joke)

“Patriot is my preferred pronoun”

“My pronoun is ‘Patriot’”

“I am not a conspiracy theorist. I am an ‘it’s fucking obvious’ theorist”

Vaxdemic (vaccine + epidemic/pandemic)

“Oatmeal is basically bread soup”

“Tonight’s Powerball jackpot is a full tank of unleaded gas and a sheet of plywood”

“Oatmeal raisin cookies taste better the older you get”

“A violinist walks into a bar…” (bar joke)

“No one knows the true struggle of grocery shopping until they are put on a low sodium diet”

“Gefilte fish is a vehicle for horseradish”

“Every time I use self-checkout, the person in front of me has never used self-checkout…”

“Pretzels are just a vehicle for mustard”

“If we were really wrong about them, they wouldn’t need to censor us”

“A bagel is just a vehicle for cream cheese”

“I may look like a potato now, but one day I’ll turn into fries and you’ll all want me then”

“Bagels are just vehicles for cream cheese”

“My friends call me ‘The Computer.’ I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes”

“My father used to say, ‘You don’t always get what you pay for’” (joke)

“What did the digital clock say to the analog clock?”/“Look, no hands!”

“I buy fresh vegetables every day. I feed them to my pig and he converts them into bacon”

“Where does Darth Vader get his coffee?”/“The Death Starbucks.”

“What kind of sugar does Darth Vader prefer in his coffee?”/“Imperial Sugar.”

Vaxxport or Vaxport (vaccine passport)

“How does Darth Vader like his coffee?”/“On the dark side.”

North American Terrorist Organization (North Atlantic Treaty Organization or NATO nickname)

“How does Darth Vader like his coffee?”/“Lukewarm.”

“How does Darth Vader like his coffee?”/“Black.”

“I pick fresh vegetables every day. I feed them to my pig and he converts them into bacon”

Vaxport or Vaxxport (vaccine passport)

“Hackers need to step their game up and delete everyone’s loans, bad credit and mortgages”

Vaccinazi (vaccine + Nazi)

“What’s the difference between a conspiracy theory and the truth?”/“About 6-12 months.”

“Hackers need to step the fuck up and delete everyone’s loans and mortgages”

“Dosas are just a vehicle for chutney”

“French fries are a vehicle for ketchup”

“What’s the difference between a conspiracy theory and the truth?”/“Time.”

“Me: Sorry I’m late. I broke down on the way to work. Boss: Is your car working fine now?”

“I’m not a hot mess. I’m a spicy disaster”

“What’s the difference between a conspiracy theory and the truth?”/“Five years.”