“I think people who use the wrong word should have the humidity to admit it”

“People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it”

“There’s only one thing better than a glass of wine. Two glasses of wine”

“Chili is just Tex-Mex curry”

“Chili is just Texas curry”

“Chili is just Texan curry”

“There is only one thing better than a glass of wine. A bottle”

“Chili is just American curry”

“If a man has a lock on his phone, has it on silent and always places it face down…”

“Chili is just Mexican curry”

“Calamari are just Italian onion rings”

“Onion rings are a poor man’s calamari”

“Calamari are a rich man’s onion rings”

“Onion rings are just ghetto calamari”

“Calamari are just chewy onion rings”

“Calamari are just boujee onion rings”

“Chili is just cowboy curry”

“Chili is just southern curry”

“Onion rings are just vegan calamari”

“Chili is just western curry”

“Beef jerky is just a meat Twizzler”

International Monetary Fraud (International Monetary Fund or IMF nickname)

“A mute walks into a bar and says…” (bar joke)

“Slim Jims are just beef Twizzlers”

“Twizzlers are just vegetarian Slim Jims”

“They say one glass of wine a day is good for you. They never said how many times to fill it”

Western Wasabi (horseradish)

“Horseradish is just American wasabi”

“Two mutes walk into a bar…” (bar joke)

International Marxist Fund (International Monetary Fund or IMF nickname)

“A Twizzler is the beef jerky of candy”

“Twizzlers are just gay Slim Jims”

“Slim Jims are just meat Twizzlers”

“Support our troops. Bring them home”

“Twizzlers are just gay beef jerky”

“Support the troops. Bring them home”

“Twizzlers are just sugar jerky”

“Twizzlers are just candy beef jerky”

“Slim Jims are just long pepperonis”

“Twizzlers are the beef jerky of candy”

“Scallops are the tater tots of the sea”

“Twizzlers are beef jerky for vegans”

Rising Apple (New York Mets blog, 2011-present)

“Scallops are the tater tots of the ocean”

“Twizzlers are just candy Slim Jims”

“It must be a pain in the ass to remove all those web lines that Spider-Man leaves behind in NYC”

“Despite zero experience, I’m opening a BBQ restaurant next to a courthouse. It’ll be Trial by F

Rising Apple (New York Mets blog)

“What’s the past tense of Swiss cheese?”/“Swass Cheese.”

“Twizzlers are just vegan Slim Jims”

“I bet Dracula does all his shopping online, just so he can keep clicking on ‘Your Account’”

“Latkes are just Jewish hash browns”

“Hash browns are just latkes for gentiles”

“I’m so old I can remember when the only fake news was the National Enquirer”

“You can’t put a crown on a clown and expect a king”

“When Dracula shops online, he keeps clicking ‘Your Account’”

“Airline pilots are the truckers of the sky”

“My life is a very complicated drinking game”

“Mashed potatoes are just Irish guacamole”

Project UnVeritas (Project Veritas nickname)

“Decaf coffee? You mean brown sadness water?”

“Hash browns are just goyish latkes”

“When someone offers me decaf, I think, ‘Why are you trying to give me your brown sadness-water?’”

“Hashbrowns are goyische latkes”

“What do you call someone who’s sexually attracted to Greek cheese?”/“A feta-shist.”

Brown Sadness Water (decaf coffee)

“Who called it a salad with chicken and not breast in plants?”

“Chicken is only a breakfast food if it hasn’t been born yet”

“Decaffeinated coffee is just brown sadness water”

“You cannot put a crown on a clown and expect him to behave like a king”

“I work hard all week to put coffee on the table”

“What’s an alcoholic’s least favorite part of a baseball game?”/“The bottom of the fifth.”

“Burgers are just meat Oreos”

“Oreos are just sugar burgers”

“Guacamole is just Mexican mashed potatoes”

“Hamburgers are just meat Oreos”

“Don’t ever let a recipe tell you how many chocolate chips to put in”

“The bottom of the fifth” (alcohol saying)

“Don’t ever let a recipe tell you how much garlic to put in. You measure that with your heart”

“Virgin Margarita? You mean green sadness water?”

Bullshit Insider (Business Insider nickname)

“Allspice is only one spice”

“A potato kugel is just a deep dish latke”

“Allspice is the most arrogantly named spice”

“Potato kugel is just a casserole latke”

GOPolitico (GOP + Politico)

“OK, but first cocktails”

“Potato kugel is just latke cake”

“Latkes are just deconstructed kugel”

“Potato kugel is just a giant latke”

“Waiter, there’s a fly drowning in my alphabet soup.”/“Throw him an ‘O’ as a life preserver.”

“Waiter, what’s this fly doing in my alphabet soup?”/“Probably learning to read, sir.”

“Irate Diner: Hey, waiter, there’s an F-L-Y in my alphabet soup!”

“Waiter, there’s a fly in my alphabet soup!”/“That’s no fly, that’s a spelling bee.”

“He who is without ovaries shall not make laws for those who do.  Fallopians 5:12”

Dillicious (dill + delicious)

“Waiter, what’s this fly doing in my alphabet soup?”/“Seems like he’s sending an S.O.S.”

“Are you allowed to eat alphabet soup at a spelling bee?”

“Waiter, there is a bee in my alphabet soup!”/“I’m sure there is an A, C and all the other letters.”

“What kind of bee hovers over a bowl of alphabet soup?”/“A spelling bee.”