“What’s the difference between a vaccine passport and a yellow star?”/“82 years.”

“What’s the difference between vaccine papers and a yellow star?”/“82 years.”

“Remember when we treated the flu with chicken soup, saltines and warm tea instead of communism?”

“Monotony is my favorite bored game”

“Due to panic buying, Walmart has opened a second register”

“If you can question it, it’s science. If you can’t question it, it’s propaganda”

“Monotony is a bored game. Monopoly is a board game”

“Slim Jims are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat grease wrapped in leather”

“Maybe broccoli doesn’t like you either”

“Slim Jims are just spicy leather”

“Stolen elections have consequences”

“The farmer allows walkers across the field for free, but the bull charges” (property sign)

“Slim Jims are beef scented leather”

“Elections have consequences and stolen elections have serious consequences”

“Slim Jims are just greasy meat sticks”

ShitChute (BitChute nickname)

“Mimosa es su mosa”

“What is a Greek dog’s favorite dessert?”/“Barklava.”

“The days of good grammar has went”

“Ever notice how some people talk louder when they drink? That’s why alcohol is listed by volume”

“What would you call a super successful poultry farmer?”/“Chick magnate.”

The worst part of spanking a disobedient child in the supermarket is…”

“Socialism is just diet communism”

“Happiness is coffee on a fall day”

“The problem with natural immunity is that it’s free”

“Every time I drive in the rain, I check other drivers’ wipers…”

“Mi mosa es su mosa”

“What’s a dog’s favorite Greek sweet pastry?”/“Barklava.”

“When you suck in your stomach, where does the fat go?”

“Water is just tea that hasn’t reached its full potential”

“Wednesdays are the middle finger of the week”

“What do you say to an angry 300-pound baked potato?”/“Anything, just butter him up!”

“All my life I have called it a cookie sheet and today I heard someone call it a cooking sheet”

“Wednesday is like the middle finger of the week”

“Don’t follow the science, follow the money”

“I think of Wednesday as the middle finger of the work week”

“Air fryers are easy bake ovens for adults”

“I wish the coronavirus had started in Las Vegas. Because what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”

“I wish Covid-19 had started in Las Vegas. Because what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”

“What is the cutest season?”/“Awwtumn.”

“I wasn’t sitting here awaiting govt guidance on whether I could celebrate Christmas this year”

“Bourbon is just water living up to its full potential”

“If I donate my urine, is that an act of philanthropee?”

“Autumn leaves a smile on my face”

“Whiskey is just water living up to its full potential”

“What is the cutest of all seasons?”/“Awwwwwtumn!”

“The customer is not always right. Sometimes the customer is a twat!”

“Candy corn: The texture may be gross but at least the flavor is terrible”

“What do you call a gang of ghosts?”/“A hauntourage.”

“The media lies. Open your eyes”

“Open your eyes to the media lies”

MeinSpace (Parler nickname)

“Freedom is the possession of those who will fight for it”

“Don’t forget to buy your Halloween candy early so you have time to buy more after you eat it all”

“Open your eyes. The media lies”

“Candy corn: The texture may be off-putting but at least the flavor is horrible”

“What kind of breakfast is served at a diner that’s built on a faultline?”/“Panquakes.”

“Tacos are just meat folders”

“What do seismologists eat for breakfast?”/“Panquakes and shakin’.”

“Tacos are edible folders”

“Air fryers are the easy bake ovens many of us never got as children”

Panquake (pan/pancake + earthquake)

“What did the tectonic plates have for breakfast?”/“Panquakes.”

“What do they have for breakfast in earthquake zones?”/“Panquakes.”

“Applesauce is not a sauce. It’s a purée”

“What do earthquakes have for breakfast?”/“Panquakes.”

“Why have you never heard of a haunted gym?”/“The ghosts are exorcising themselves.”

“Why have you never heard of a haunted gym?”/“The ghosts are exercising themselves.”

“Natural immunity is science. Just not the revenue generating kind”

“It’s always leg day at a spider gym”

“Every day is leg day at the gym if you’re a spider”

“The two happiest days in a time traveler’s life…” (joke)

“I saw a spider at the gym. He said it was leg leg leg leg leg leg leg leg day”

“Open faced sandwiches are just fancy toast”

“Snow in October happens because people decorate for Christmas prematurely”

“Just once, I’d like to clock out from work by sliding down a dinosaur”

“Volume measurement disputes are settled at the Supreme Quart”

“Make your cheese and wine party more appealing by having no cheese or guests”

“What do they call employee of the month at the crematorium?”/“Top urner.”

“If the fully vaccinated can get it and spread it, why aren’t they losing their jobs too?”

“The ultimate liquid measure is the supreme quart”

“Where do water droplets go to settle arguments?”/“The Supreme Quart.”

“In England, ‘booster shot’ is spelled ‘borchestershire shot’”

“I’m throwing a wine and cheese party tonight. Only for myself. And without the cheese”

“I heard you can get lawyers at IKEA now. They’re affordable, but you have to build your own case”

“Make your cheese and wine party more fun by having no cheese or guests”

“In Massachusetts, booster shot is spelled borcester shot”

“America at this point in history is like the collapse of the Roman Empire but with WiFi”

“Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show…”

“Some of my friends are running marathons, half marathons, meanwhile I’m watching a show…”

“Are we really going to let a bunch of greedy selfish fools do-in this whole planet?”

“Toast is just soft bread that has been hurt before”

“Subaru spelled backwards is ‘u r a bus’”

“Waiter, there’s a reflection of a sad and lonely man in my soup”

“I’m not challenging your authority. I’m denying it completely”

“If you drive a Subaru in reverse, what are you?”/“U r a bus.”

“If they don’t have liquor at my funeral, I’m not going”

“What do you call two witches living together?”/“Broommates.”

“What do you call two witches sharing an apartment?”/“Broommates.”

“Water is just beer that hasn’t reached its full potential”