“Pizza pockets imply the existence of pizza pants”

“The existence of pizza pockets implies the existence of pizza pants”

“Celery: When you have that sudden urge to bite into water with hair in it”

“It’s New Year’s Eve, not New Year’s Steve”

“Pan pizza implies the existence of bi pizza”

“A pansexual is someone who adores pan pizza from Pizza Hut”

“*Inventing celery* Damn I wish I could bite water with hair in it”

“2000-2009 were the glory years for New Year’s Eve party glasses”

“Pan pizza implies the existence of straight and gay pizza”

“The ‘pan’ in pansexual is just short for pan pizza”

“If you think a virus is scary, wait until you find out what’s really going on”

“We have to love our freedom more than we fear a germ”

“If all the countries in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?”

“What do you call advice from a cow?”/“Beef tips.”

Vaxtard (vaccine + retard)

“Some people have a vision. Others have a television”

“You need to love your freedom more than you’re scared of a germ”

“Testing yourself constantly for disease when you have no symptoms is a form of mental illness”

“Pollen is the snow of the south”

“Coffee is a kind of magic you can drink”

“In order to be effective, truth must penetrate like an arrow—and that is likely to hurt”

“I have a medical condition. I’m allergic to tyranny. It makes me break out in rebellion”

“If you are willing to abandon your principles for convenience, or social acceptability…”

“It’s not a booster, it’s a 3rd shot of something that didn’t work the first 2 times!”

“Beating up someone with a big pretzel is a salt with a breadly weapon”

“Tacos are healthier than crystal meth”

“We’re fighting a billion dollar propaganda industry with memes. How cool is that?”

“The truth does not require your participation to exist. Bullshit does”

Big Apple of Idaho (Fruitland, Idaho nickname)

“Beating someone with a baguette is assault with a breadly weapon”

“I homeschool because I have seen the village and I don’t want it raising my children”

“What do you call a dad who’s fallen through the ice?”/“A popsicle.”

“We homeschool because we have seen the village and we don’t want it raising our children”

Yachtzee (yacht + Yahtzee)

“Breakfast tacos are the most important meal of the day”

“It’s not a booster. It’s the 3rd shot of a product that already failed twice”

“What do you have when you get five yachts?”/“Yachtzee!”

“If you play Yahtzee on a boat, is it spelled Yachtzee?”

“Have you heard about the game where you throw dice to win boats? Yachtzee!”

“It’s not a booster. It’s the third shot of a product that already failed twice”

“Bananas are healthier than crystal meth”

“Doughnuts are healthier than crystal meth”

“It’s Delta variant if it’s from the Delta region of India. Otherwise it’s just sparkling Covid-19”

“Omicron must come from the Omicrônne region of France, otherwise it’s just sparkling covid”

“Poutine is healthier than crystal meth”

“Bacon is healthier than crystal meth”

“Coronavirus must come from the Corunna region of Indiana, otherwise it’s just sparkling Covid-19”

“Pizza is healthier than crystal meth”

“Smooth jazz implies the existence of rough jazz”

“Donuts are healthier than crystal meth”

“Cheesecake is healthier than crystal meth”

“Never trust your life with people you can’t trust with your wallet”

“My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee while I’m trying to play dead”

“Jerk Chicken: Shut the fuck up. Chicken Tender: *just starts crying*”

“Conspiracy theorist: A term to discredit those who have seen through the bullshit”

“The two worst feelings in the world are not having a job and having a job”

“If bacon doesn’t solve the problem, then more bacon must be added”

“You become dangerous to the enemy when you are fully awake to God”

“Imagine a war in which the majority of one side didn’t know they were at war…”

“Can someone please explain the scientific logic of wearing a mask on a Zoom call?”

“Curly fries imply the existence of Moe and Larry fries”

“Tater tots imply the existence of tater parents”

“A&W stands for Amburgers and Woot Beer”

“Tater tots imply the existence of tater adults”

“If you want to take my freedom, make sure you’re as passionate about taking it…”

“Titjobs imply the existence of titunemployment”

“If you don’t have a boob job, you should be able to collect boob unemployment”

Gourdgeous (gourd + gorgeous)

“Boob job implies the existence of boob unemployment”

“Taking things away from people until they say yes is not a choice”

“Chicken is the default meat”

“Coffee—It’s why you got out of bed today”

“Unicorn (noun)—A single piece of corn”

“If you want to take my freedom, make damn sure you’re as passionate about taking it…”

“If you want to take my freedoms, make damn sure you’re as passionate about taking them…”

“Imagine if you will a war in which the majority of one side didn’t know they were at war…”

“A single kernel of corn is a unicorn”

“Coffee is why I got out of bed today”

“It’s kind of shitty that we basically pay politicians to tell us to go fuck ourselves”

“Never entrust your life to those whom you can’t trust with your wallet”

“Artichokes imply the existence of antartichokes”

“When the law doesn’t apply to lawmakers, you’re not being governed. You’re being ruled”

“Let’s have Netflix run the next pandemic. They don’t let anything get three seasons”

“The best imaginary dish to say in a MA accent ‘garlic braised arctic char with artichoke hearts’”

“A zombie walks into a bar…” (bar joke)

“Schwan’s food was the OG Uber Eats”

“Artichokes are only grown in the northern hemisphere. Otherwise they’re known as Antarctichokes”

“Freedom is not a reward for compliance. That’s how jails work”

“Schwan’s was the Uber Eats of the nineties”

“Schwan’s was the original Uber Eats”

“Artichokes imply the existence of literaturechokes and sciencechokes”

“Times are tough. Thinking of cooking a rump roast just to make ends meat”

Chartichoke (Arctic char + artichoke)

“Artichokes imply the existence of artiswallowwithoutincidents”

“I’m not a conspiracy theorist. I’m a ‘things aren’t adding up and it’s pretty obvious’ theorist”

Antartichoke or Antarctichoke (Antarctica + artichoke)

“Artichoke hearts imply the existence of artichoke atria and artichoke ventricles”

“Rump roast is a good example on how to make ends meat”

“A horse, a dog, and a penguin walk into a bar…” (bar joke)

Antarctichoke or Antartichoke (Antarctica + artichoke)