“Government is the biggest corporation, with a monopoly on violence”

“Irish puns are the most O’ffensive”

“I’ve just been offered 8 legs of venison for $100. Is that two deer?”

“I grew up all my life believing I was Irish. But thanks to Ancestry, I now know I’m just a drunk”

Forosophobia (fear of taxes and the IRS)

“Today’s good mood is sponsored by beer”

“Today’s good mood is sponsored by vodka”

“Today’s good mood is sponsored by wine”

“What kind of weather do cupcakes like?”/“Sprinkles.”

“If you don’t like corporations, you should really hate government”

“Today’s good mood is sponsored by alcohol”

“I’m giving up chocolate for Lindt”

“I’m giving up cheap chocolate for Lindt”

“I’m giving up spelling and chocolate for Lindt”

“I’m giving up Cadbury’s chocolates for Lindt”

“I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt”

“What’s the coldest vegetable?”/“Chili pepper.”

“What’s the coldest vegetable?”/“Brrroccoli.”

“What do you call a cold cucumber?”/“A cucumbrrr.”

“What’s the coldest vegetable?”/“Cucumbrrr.”

“What’s the coldest vegetable?”/“Arctichoke.”

“What’s the coldest vegetable?”/“Iceberg lettuce.”

“What’s the coldest vegetable?”/“Chilly pepper.”

“What’s the difference between a vegan and a computer programmer?” (riddle)

“What is the difference between a vegan and a software engineer?” (riddle)

“What’s the difference between Gordon Ramsay’s favorite dish and a slow running computer?” (riddle)

“America the Beautiful” (1902 revisions)

Pocket City (Evansville, Indiana nickname)

River City (Evansville, Indiana nickname)

Crescent City (Evansville, Indiana nickname)

Stoplight City (Evansville, Indiana nickname)

“If you want to make some memories, add some tequila”

“If you want to make memories, add tequila”

“If you want to make some memories, add tequila”

“If you want to make memories, add some tequila”

“The three stages of tequila: I’m fine… I’m drinking… I’m invisible…”

“My car was on E, I put $20 in the tank, now it’s on E+”

“How many pedants does it take to change a lightbulb?” (riddle)

“How to vent on Facebook. Step 1: Don’t. We are all either depressed, divorced, broke or fat”

“Ten packets of Walkers crisps have been sent to the ISS. It was running low on air”

“How to vent on Twitter. Step 1: Don’t. We are all either depressed, divorced, broke or fat”

“How to vent on social media. Step 1: Don’t. We are all either depressed, divorced, broke or fat”

“How to vent on Facebook. Step 1: Don’t. We are all depressed, broke and fat… not just you”

“What are ‘derves’? I heard the whores love ‘em”

“You’re telling me a whore made these derves?”

Whore Derve (hors d’oeuvre)

“What do prostitutes eat before dinner?”/“Whore derves.”

“A McDonald’s sign said, ‘All Day Breakfast.’ I thought, ‘I don’t have time for that’”

“I saw a bank that said ‘24 Hour Banking,’ but I don’t have that much time”

“Life is short. Make sure you spend as much time as possible on the internet arguing”

“Life is short. Make sure you spend as much time as possible arguing with strangers about politics”

“Tolerance will reach such a level that intelligent people will be banned from thinking…”

“Dove chocolate tastes way better than their soap”

“We live in a time where smart people are silenced so that stupid people won’t be offended”

“A lion, a witch and a wardrobe walk into a bar…” (bar joke)

Chorizontal (chorizo + horizontal)

“If you eat too much chorizo you’ll end up chorizontal”

“I’m launching a brass instrument sex fetish site soon. I call it HornPub”

“What do you call a place where brass musicians hang out and drink?”/“HornPub.”

“We live in an age where smart people are silenced so that stupid people won’t be offended”

“We live in a time where intelligent people are silenced so that stupid people won’t be offended”

“We live in times where smart people are silenced so that stupid people won’t be offended”

“We live in a world where smart people are silenced so that stupid people won’t be offended”

“A drinking establishment for brass enthusiasts: HornPub”

“Pretty words are not always true, and true words are not always pretty”

“True words are not always pretty, and pretty words are not always true”

Sprummer (spring + summer)

“I recently joined a support group for people who talk a lot. We call ourselves On and On Anon”

Sprinter (spring + winter)

“What’s the difference between a politician and an onion?” (riddle)

“What kind of nut is drunk?”/“A pissed-achio.”

“Where do they manufacture smells?”/“The ol’ factory.”

“What do you call an angry nut?”/“A pissed-achio.”

“What do you call a couple of asses in an asparagus patch?”/“Ass pair I guess.”

“It really smells around that ol’ factory”

“I joined a 12-step program for people who talk too much. It’s called On and On Anon”

“One nation, under fraud”

“One nation, under fraud, completely visible, with spying on and lying to all”

“One nation, under fraud, with tyranny and injustice for all”

“One nation, under a fraud, with tyranny and injustice for all”

“The system was never broken. It was built this way”

“The system isn’t broken. It was designed this way”

“The system isn’t broken. It was built this way”

“Just gave my hamster a coffee because I don’t want him falling asleep at the wheel”

“I just made my hamster a strong coffee. I don’t want him falling asleep at the wheel”

“The system isn’t broken. It was made this way”

“The system isn’t broken. It was made that way”

“The system isn’t broken. It was built that way”

“The system isn’t broken. It was designed that way”