“Dog obedience schools have grades K - 9”

NPCNN (CNN nickname)

“Why don’t helicopters fly in the morning?”/“Twirly.”

“When life hands you melons, wear a low-cut shirt and use them to get free lemonade”

“Yo no soy antisistema, el sistema es anti yo” (“I am not anti-system. The system is anti-me”)

Twitterette (user of Twitter)

“When life gives you melons, wear a low cut top”

“The closer you get to nature, the further you are from idiots”

“If a 747 can carry the space shuttle, then I call bullshit on overweight luggage fees”

“I’m not anti-system. The system is anti-me”

“Topology implies the existence of bottomology, and they both study holes”

“Topology implies the existence of bottomology and versology”

“A klutz walks into a bar” (bar joke)

“You can skate a skateboard and surf a surfboard, but you can’t snow a snowboard”

“Topology implies the existence of bottomology”

“What do you call a cheese that refuses to go on pasta?”/“Ungrateful.”

“I need a maycation. I may come back and I may not”

“Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken”

“What’s a porcupine’s favorite kind of sandwich?”/“Quilled cheese.”

“Mother Nature apologizes for the late arrival of Spring…”

“Paying taxes in America is like having an indefinite car payment on a car that won’t run”

“Jellybeans imply the existence of peanut butter beans”

“Free country? Name one thing you can do that isn’t taxed, regulated or illegal”

“Potatoes make french fries, chips and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying”

“What do you call a small pork farm?”/“A hamlet.”

“Once your neighbor cuts their grass, you have 48 hours to respond”

“What do you call a town full of pigs?”/“A hamlet.”

“I can either work well with others or pass a drug test. But not both”

“Once your neighbor cuts their grass, you have 72 hours to respond”

“If you could reason with a Democrat, there would be no Democrats”

“We all blame society, but we are society”

Little Yemen (Morris Park, Bronx)

“We blame society, but we are society”

“If you could reason with a Democrat, there wouldn’t be any Democrats”

“If you could reason with Democrats, there would be no Democrats”

Little Yemen (Bay Ridge, Brooklyn)

“Vodka (noun): The glue holding this shitshow together”

“I could actually watch golf on TV if land mines were involved”

“You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test. It can’t be both”

“I would definitely watch golf if land mines were involved”

“I drink coffee to get the energy to drink more coffee”

“Drink coffee to get the energy to drink more coffee”

“Alcohol (noun): The glue holding this shitshow together”

“Tequila (noun): The glue holding this shitshow together”

“Gin (noun): The glue holding this shitshow together”

“Liquor (noun): The glue holding this shitshow together”

“Red wine (noun): The glue holding this shitshow together”

“Bourbon (noun): The glue holding this shitshow together”

“Coffee (noun): The glue holding this shitshow together”

“Beer (noun): The glue holding this shitshow together”

“What do you call someone who’s allergic to burnt bread?”/“Black toast intolerant.”

“My doctor advised me against eating very burnt bread. I am black toast intolerant”

“What do dads eat for breakfast?”/“Pop tarts.”

“There was a gathering on a golf course. I guess you could call it a par-tee”

“Most airline food is pretty bad, but their haggis is just plane offal”

Dark Store

“Teach, Love, Inspire”

“Sometimes I like coffee more than people”

“I like coffee more than people”

“If you ask if I’ve had coffee and I say ‘no’, just assume this conversation is over”

“If you ask me if I’ve had my coffee yet, and I say ‘no’...”

“What’s a pig’s least favorite musical?”/“Hamilton.”

“I like my music loud, my coffee strong and my dreams large”

“What season is it when you are on a trampoline?”/“Spring time.”

“What season is it when you’re on a trampoline?”/“Springtime.”

“What is Porky Pig’s least favorite musical?”/“Hamilton.”

“The British cannibal enjoyed snacking on fish and chaps”

“What’s a pig’s favorite musical?”/“Hamilton.”

“If you don’t drink liquor for breakfast on vacation, please don’t invite me”

“What’s a cow’s favorite musical note?”/“Beef-flat.”

“Where do pirates rent properties?”/“Arrrgh-bnb.”

“The tune that old cow died on must have been written in beef flat”

“When a butcher sings in the bathtub it’s probably beef-flat”

“Which cheese is an alcoholic?”/“Livarot.”

“What’s a cow’s favorite moosical note?”/“Beef-flat.”

“Flavortown implies the existence of Blandtown”

“The opposite of Flavortown is Blandland”

“The opposite of Flavortown is Blandberg”

“Burnt spaghetti is called Al Dante”

“Jimmy Buffett implies the existence of Jimmy A La Carte”

“Flavortown implies the existence of Blandcity”

“What do you call heavily burnt pasta?”/“Al Dante.”

“Sometimes I take baths because it’s hard to drink wine in the shower”

“My inflatable house got a puncture last night. Now, I’m living in a flat”

“Sometimes I take baths because it’s harder to drink wine in the shower”

“Sometimes I take a bath because it’s hard to drink wine in the shower”

“French toast isn’t normally made from French bread”

“I like my music loud, my coffee strong and my dreams big”

“Politeness never defeated an existential threat”

“I like my music loud and my coffee strong”

“If the ‘germ theory of disease’ were correct, there would be nobody alive to believe it”

“If the ‘germ theory of disease’ were correct, there’d be no one living to believe it”

“If the germ theory were true, nobody would be alive to believe it”

“If the germ theory were true, no one would be alive to believe it”

“Some days we need to drink our coffee strong, play our music loud and just get our stuff done”

“There are days when we need to drink our coffee strong, play our music loud and get our stuff done”

“Our Father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name…” (Lord’s Prayer mondegreen)

“At this point, I don’t know if coffee is a hobby or survival instinct”

“Middle Age: When your age starts to show around the middle”

“When you dig a garden, you help bury industrial food! Eat local!”