“Baguettes are just bread jerky”

“Toast is just bread jerky”

Carpocalypse (car + apocalypse); Carmageddon (car + Armageddon)

Airmageddon (air + Armageddon)

“Croutons are just bread jerky”

“Crackers are just bread jerky”

“Her: Let’s meet for a drink and see where it goes!” (joke)

“Pizza crust is just bread jerky”

“Breadsticks are just bread jerky”

“Bagels are just bread jerky”

“Red lips and wine sips”

“Two slices of bread got married. The ceremony was going quite well until someone decided to toast”

“The other day, I saw a guy dragging a clam on a leash…” (joke)

“I’m outdoorsy. I drink wine on the porch”

“I’m outdoorsy. I drink wine on the patio”

“If you forgot the wine, go home”

“Rise and wine” (“Rise & wine”)

“Working from nine to wine”

“It’s Friday! Just look busy until it’s time for wine”

“Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons”

“They did not isolate a virus. They isolated you”

“I’m pretty sure I like food more than people”

“I love food more than I love people”

“The guy who robbed a health spa jumped on a scale and got a weigh”

“The trouble with living alone is that it’s always my turn to do the dishes”

“The problem with being single is it’s always my turn to do the dishes!”

“Working 9 to wine”

“Working 9 to wine”

“Working from 9 to wine”

“Working from nine to wine”

“Working nine to wine”

“Working nine to wine”

“Working from 9 to wine”

“I’m outdoorsy. I drink my wine on the porch”

“I’m outdoorsy. I drink my wine on the patio”

“I’m outdoorsy. I drink wine on my patio”

“What is Uncle Sam’s favorite snack?”/“Fire crackers.”

“I’m outdoorsy. I like having coffee on the patio”

“The lowest ranked door-to-door salesperson is awarded a knockwurst”

“If you’re gonna burst through the door unannounced, waving a German sausage, knockwurst!”

“If anyone is Christmas shopping for me, I’m a size window seat in plane tickets”

“If anyone is shopping for me, I’m a size window seat in plane tickets”

“The more you know, the crazier you look”

“A golf cart is a sports car”

“Treason is the reason for the season” (Independence Day)

“Is a golf cart considered a sports car?”

“You are what you eat. So don’t be fast, cheap, easy or fake”

“Another bourbon bottle with no genie at the bottom. I guess I will keep searching”

“Some mornings it’s best just to fill the sink with coffee, dunk your head in it and suck”

“Another wine bottle with no genie in the bottom of it. I’ll keep looking”

“Another wine bottle emptied with no genie at the bottom. I’ll keep trying”

“Some mornings it’s best to just fill the sink with coffee, dunk your head in it and suck”

“Another beer bottle with no genie at the bottom. I’ll keep looking”

“What rhymes with Father’s Day? Beer”

“What rhymes with Father’s Day? Bourbon”

“You know what rhymes with golf? Wine”

“What rhymes with Father’s Day? Scotch”

“You know what rhymes with golf? Beer”

“You know what rhymes with golf? Beer”

“What rhymes with Father’s Day? Wine”

“What rhymes with Father’s Day? Whiskey”

“What rhymes with Father’s Day? Gin”

“You know what rhymes with golf? Wine”

“My dream job is no job. I just want to get paid for breathing”

“Rock lobster implies the existence of heavy metal, pop, and easy listening lobster”

“Rock lobster implies the existence of paper lobster and scissors lobster”

“Being ‘clean and sober’ means I’ve showered and I’m headed to the liquor store”

“Clean and sober just means that I’m showered and heading to the liquor store”

“I don’t need a personal trainer. I need someone to follow me around and slap food out of my hand”

“Do no harm, but take no shit”

“Do no harm, take no shit”

“Triscuit and biscuit imply the existence of a uniscuit”

“Triscuit and biscuit imply the existence of a monoscuit”

Uniscuit or Monoscuit (similar to “biscuit” and “Triscuit”)

Quadriscuit or Quadscuit (similar to “biscuit” and “Triscuit”)

“Triscuit and biscuit imply the existence of a quadriscuit”

Monoscuit or Uniscuit (similar to “biscuit” and “Triscuit”)

Quadscuit or Quadriscuit (similar to “biscuit” and “Triscuit”)

“What comes after morning coffee? Afternoon coffee”

“People don’t think the grass be wet in the morning, but it dew”

“People think grass don’t be wet in the morning, but it dew”

“I don’t need a personal trainer so much as I need someone to follow me around…”

“Uniscuit, Biscuit, Triscuit, Quadscuit”

“To neigh or not to neigh, that is equestrian”

“To trot or not to trot, that is equestrian”

“To ride a horse or not to ride a horse, that is equestrian”

Flapuccino (flap + cappuccino)

“The female version of teabagging is called a flappuccino”

Flappachino (flap + cappuccino)

Flappuccino (flap + cappuccino)

“The female version of teabagging is a flappachino”

“The female version of teabagging is called a flapuccino”

“To ride horses or not to ride horses, that is equestrian”

“Ham radio implies the existence of a Cuban sandwich radio”

“Ham radio implies the existence of bacon radio”

“Ham radio implies the existence of cheese radio”

“Why are Jamaicans afraid of kosher delis?”/“They dread lox.”

“Why do Rastafarians avoid Jewish delis?”/“Because they dread lox!”

“I hate people that say ‘it’s too early to be eating that.’ WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?”

“I hate when people say ‘it’s too early to eat that.’ What time does a stomach open?”