“I switched to a wine that doesn’t make me urinate. Pinot Moor”

Pinot Moir or Pinot Moor or Pinot More (pronounced “pee no more”)

Pinot Moor or Pinot Moir or Pinot More (pronounced “pee no more”)

Pinot More or Pinot Moir or Pinot Moor (pronounced “pee no more”)

“It’s not a recession. It’s a robbery”

“This is not a recession. This is a robbery”

“Become ungovernable” (political slogan)

“Be ungovernable” (political slogan)

“Crust is bread armor”

“Powdered sugar is the glitter of baking supplies”

“Confectioners’ sugar is the glitter of the baking world”

“Icing sugar is the glitter of baking ingredients”

“Why don’t vampires gamble?”/“They can’t deal with those stakes.”

“Why don’t vampires play poker?”/“They are afraid of the stakes.”

Fascist Bastards Incorporated (Federal Bureau of Investigation or FBI nickname)

Federal Bastards Incorporated (Federal Bureau of Investigation or FBI nickname)

Fucking Bastards Incorporated (Federal Bureau of Investigation or FBI nickname)

Fat Bitches Incorporated (Federal Bureau of Investigation or FBI nickname)

Fucking Bitches Incorporated (Federal Bureau of Investigation or FBI nickname)

“How does Bigfoot know what time it is?”/“He looks at his Sasquatch.”

“Plant-based implies the existence of meat-cringe”

“Beyond Burgers being ‘plant based’ implies that traditional burgers are ‘meat cringe’”

“What time is it when you see cows sleeping in a field?”/“Pasture bedtime.”

“What time is it when you see a cow laying in a field?”/“Pasture bedtime.”

“What did the mama cow say to the baby cow?”/“It’s pasture bedtime.”

“When do you know it is time for the cows to go to sleep?”/“When it is pasture bedtime.”

“Where can you get vegan beef?”/“From a vegetabull.”

Sudden Invented Death Syndrome (SIDS)

“I don’t run away from hard work. I’m too lazy to run”

“Fake laughing with customers is actually a job skill, add it to your CV”

“Fake laughing with customers is a skill”

“Fake laughing with customers is actually a skill”

“Fake laughing with customers is a real skill”

“Fake laughing with customers is really a skill”

“Fake laughing with customers is another skill”

“I took my wife to an orchard for her birthday. Apparently, it wasn’t the Apple Watch she wanted”

“I have been staring at an orchard to tell the time. It’s an Apple Watch”

“Cup one is so I can get stuff done. Cup two is so I will be nice to you. Cup three is all for me”

“Two rules for this heat: 1. Drink a lot of water, 2. Watch how you talk to me”

“‘No, thanks. I’m a vegetarian,’ is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby”

“‘No thanks, I’m vegetarian’ is a fun thing to say when someone tries to hand you their baby”

“Y’all ever tried driving the speed limit and thought they can’t be serious”

“Have y’all ever tried doing the speed limit and thinking they can’t be serious”

“Y’all ever tried going the speed limit and thought they can’t be serious????”

“Don’t ask why I need an AR-15. Ask why an IRS agent needs one”

Sudden Invented Syndrome Syndrome (SISS)

“Nutrition Fact: If you drink a gallon of water a day, you won’t have time for other people’s drama”

“What does a politician do after he dies?”/“He lies still.”

“Dietary Fact: If you drink a gallon of water daily, you won’t have time to be in anyone’s business”

“I came here to drink and fuck and I’m almost done drinking”

“I came here to drink and fuck and I’m also done drinking”

“I came here to drink and fuck…and I’m about done drinking”

“Nobody can drink beer faster than a MF who didn’t buy it”

“Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir” (drought joke)

“You say alcoholism, I say liver crossfit”

“Government is organized crime”

Federal Bureau of Intimidation (Federal Bureau of Investigation or FBI nickname)

“Why can’t you tell a good joke about retired people?”/“Because none of them work!”

“I know a lot of jokes about retired people, but none of them work”

“A crow walks into a bar…” (bar joke)

“Two crows walk into a bar…” (bar joke)

“True fact: Before the crowbar was invented, most crows drank at home”

“A crow walks into a bar. It becomes a crowbar” (bar joke)

“A crow walks into a bar, and he says ‘ouch’. It was a crow bar” (bar joke)

“Plant-based snacks imply the existence of plant-cringe snacks”

“The federal government is organized crime”

“Plant-based implies the existence of plant-cringe”

“Plant-based meat implies the existence of plant-cringe meat”

“Plant-based sausages imply the existence of plant-cringe sausages”

“Plant-based meatballs imply the existence of plant-cringe meatballs”

“Plant-based pepperoni implies the existence of plant-cringe pepperoni”

“Plant-based nuggets imply the existence of plant-cringe nuggets”

“Plant-based diets imply the existence of plant-cringe diets”

“Plant-based food implies the existence of plant-cringe food”

“Plant-based meat substitutes imply the existence of plant-cringe meat substitutes”

“Plant-based beer implies the existence of plant-cringe beer”

“Plant-based protein implies the existence of plant-cringe protein”

“Plant-based burgers imply the existence of plant-cringe burgers”

“Plant-based milk implies the existence of plant-cringe milk”

“Plant-based mayonnaise implies the existence of plant-cringe mayonnaise”

“Pro tip: If you stir coconut oil into your kale, it makes it easier to scrape it into the trash”

“Everything ‘free’ is paid for by someone who works”

“My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.2 million dollars”

“Hockey is technically a water sport”

“A cheese sandwich is just a raw grilled cheese”

“Ice hockey is technically a water sport”

“Vegemite is the Australian version of Marmite”

“The real problem with FOX News is that it never actually reports on anything about foxes”

“Teacher: Why are you late? Student: Class started before I got here.”

“I have been watching Fox News for six hours and there has been no news about foxes”

Struggle Sandwich

“Dear Fox News, So far, no news about foxes. Sincerely, Unimpressed”

“Fox News. Y u no have news about foxes?”

“Why would a pig dressed in black never get bullied?”/“Because Batman swore to protect goth ham.”

“Peaches are just suede nectarines”

“If I have to stir it, it’s homemade”

“If I had to stir it, it’s homemade”

“Our house is lived in, it’s not for show. If you don’t like the mess, you know where to go”

“If I stirred it, it’s homemade”

“A penny found is worth more than a penny earned because a penny earned is taxed”