“I saw a sign in a shop window that read ‘Pay No Interest.’ So I carried on walking”

“Using your turn signal is not ‘giving information to the enemy’”

“Obey the sign or pay the fine”

“I reject the assertion that my family & I must be made defenseless for you & yours to feel safe”

“I reject the assertion that my family must be made defenseless for you to be safe”

Theyhattan (they + Manhattan)

“Sometimes you just gotta throw up and start drinking again”

“Curly fries should be called ‘rotatoes’”

“You: ‘Curly fries.’ Me, an intellectual: ‘Rotatoes’”

“Tattoos should actually make you more employable because it shows you can sit in place…”

“The government is just the armed gang you’re afraid would take over in the absence of government”

Rotatoes (rotate + potatoes; jocular name for curly fries)

“No farms, no food”

“The body heals itself if we create the right conditions for it”

“No farmers, no food, no future”

“If any non-rich people want to go to space for 10 minutes, I know a pretty good brownie recipe”

“A government that forces you to account to them for the way you spend your money, but…”

“I recently started taking my paddle boat out on the lake. I feel like canoe person”

“I drive so badly that when I’m driving, the GPS doesn’t speak, it prays”

“The only reason why the government would want to disarm you after 243 years is because…”

Vaxlash (vaccine + backlash)

“If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped drugs”

“The best-kept secret of medicine is that the body heals itself if we create the right conditions”

“One of the best things about being a conspiracy theorist is that you don’t end up with myocarditis”

National Academy of Space Actors (NASA nickname)

“No farmer, no food, no future”

“What’s the difference between bigfoot and lettuce?”/“One is a funny beast…”

No Actual Science Allowed (NASA nickname)

“What’s the difference between a unicorn and lettuce?”/“One is a funny beast…”

“What’s the difference between a platypus and a head of lettuce?”/“One is a funny beast…”

“What’s the difference between a unicorn and a carrot?”/“One is a funny beast…”

“No farms, no food, no future”

“Isn’t it too early to be eating that?”/“What time do stomachs open?”

“What do you call a bean that was previously famous?”/“A ‘has bean.’”

“What do you call old frijoles?”/“Has beans.”

“What do you call a bean that’s not cool anymore?”/“A has-bean.”

“My job has this really fun habit of adding more responsibilities to my job role…”

Interlocking letters “N” and “Y” on New York baseball uniforms

“Be the reason why a politician has a mental breakdown in public restroom”

“My job has this fun habit of adding responsibilities to your job role without adding any money…”

“Democratic Socialism: Everyone votes for the state to forcibly take your money”

Snackle Box or Snacklebox (snack + tackle box)

“What do you call a retired Heinz worker?”/“A has bean.”

“What’s the difference between socialism and democratic socialism?” (meme)

“Every morning I have a low-carb, gluten free, vegan breakfast. Coffee. It’s coffee”

“I sleep better naked. Why can’t the flight attendant understand this?”

“We live in a world where Lego has a label telling you not to eat it, but British food doesn’t”

“My mortgage identifies as a student loan” (student loan forgiveness joke)

“My car loan identifies as a student loan” (student loan forgiveness joke)

“When my wife sends me to the supermarket to get cucumbers…” (NSFW joke)

“Saw a sign saying ‘Hidden Dip,’ went round the corner and crashed into a huge tub of guacamole”

“Just drove past a road sign that read, ‘Beware Hidden Dip.’ I hope it’s garlic”

“My car is covered in sour cream and chives. Last time I ignore a ‘hidden dip’ sign”

“I was terrible at spelling when I was at school. Brilliant at jografy, though”

“I was terrible at spelling when I was at school. Brilliant at mattermattics, though”

“If you take the word ‘MILK’ and change only four letters, you get ‘BEER’”

“If you’re having second thoughts, you’re two ahead of most people”

“Everyone who drinks coffee in the morning is psychotic…”

“The movie Blazing Saddles could never be made today…” (anti-joke)

“Me bringing a jar of Vaseline to the cash register when mom sends me to buy a cucumber…”

“‘I just caught a terrorist!’ said no TSA agent ever”

“Drinking coffee because I want to be wide awake for this nightmare”

“Could Blazing Saddles be made today? No. It’s hard to make a film in a day”

Threek (“fork” with three prongs/tines)

“Society has become so fake that the truth actually bothers people”

“Never take health advice from any person or institution that believes the world is overpopulated”

“Read Mises, not Marx”

“I used to be liberal. Then I left home & got a job”

“I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off”

“I don’t take health advice from people who think the world is overpopulated”

“Be wary of taking ‘health advice’ from people who believe the world is overpopulated…”

“My sex life is like Coca-Cola. First it was normal, then light and now zero”

“If Drinks Could Talk: Coffee - You can do this! Wine - You don’t have to do this!”

“Coffee does so much for us and asks for nothing in return”

“Coffee does so much for us, and all it asks for in return is for me to drink it constantly”

“No, I’m not a coffee ‘addict’. I’m a caffeine-based life form…”

“Sometimes I write ‘drink coffee’ on my to-do list, just so I feel like I accomplished something”

“My other car is another car that has a sticker that says my other car is this car” (bumper sticker)

“My other car is also a car” (bumper sticker)

“My other car is an honor student” (bumper sticker)

“My sex life is like Coca-Cola. First it was classic, then it was light, and now it’s zero”

“My sex life is like Coca-Cola. First it was classic, then went on a diet, and now it’s zero”

“Winning isn’t everything. It’s the only thing”

Fivek (“fork” with five prongs/tines)

Twok (“fork” with two prongs/tines)

Onek (“fork” with one prong/tine)

Wonk (“fork” with one prong/tine)

Zerok (“fork” with no prong/tine)

“If authoritarianism is on your side today, trust me, it won’t be tomorrow. #history”

“I don’t care which party is in control. I don’t want to be controlled”

“All the scary things you claim would happen without the state are things that are currently…”

Libertarian Party Platform (three points on government)

“I don’t care which party is in control. I just don’t want to be controlled”

“Without cops, politicians would just be guys with bad opinions”

“Stop blaming your poor life choices on capitalism”

“If nature didn’t make it, don’t take it”

“Chiropractors are technically crack addicts”

“Chiropractors are technically crack dealers”

“Remember, the ones really in control are never elected”

“The Lord giveth and the government taketh away”