“Conservatism is progressivism driving the speed limit”

“Conservatives are progressives driving the speed limit”

Amazonnesia (Amazon + amnesia)

“You can be as polite as you want. The state will still fucking kill you”

Primenesia (Amazon Prime + amnesia)

“If you don’t know they control both the narrative and the counter narrative, you are not awake”

“The battle is won when the average American regards a corporate journalist…”

Amazonesia (Amazon + amnesia)

“Do not let people who surround themselves with barbed wire and armed soldiers…”

“Primenesia (noun)—When you order so much Amazon Prime that you don’t know what’s in the box”

“Out of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain”

“If I blocked you on social media and you see me in these streets, the block still applies”

“Please let me merge before I start crying” (bumper sticker)

“Eat less from a box and more from the earth”

“Licensing: When government takes away your right to do something and sells it back to you”

“Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain”

“Sometimes the best medicine grows from weeds”

“There’s no such thing as government. It’s just other individuals telling you what to do”

“If I blocked you on social media and you see me in the streets, the block still applies”

Paper Cut Finder (hand sanitizer)

“Hand sanitizer should be renamed ‘paper cut finder’”

“20 years from now kids are going to realize their quarantine haircuts were done by dad’s…”

“A license is when the government takes away your right to do something, then sells it back to you”

“If it’s not voluntary, it’s tyranny”

“Bestie please let me merge” (bumper sticker)

“Listen this is a very simple concept: If it’s not voluntary, it’s tyranny”

“If I blocked you on social media and you see me in public, the block still applies in real life”

“The state is a system that requires people of integrity to run it…”

“The more you learn, the more you know. The more you know, the more you forget…”

“I’m just here to post shit I find funny. If that offends you, just know I find that shit funny too”

“What’s the difference between a drug cartel and the government?” (joke)

“Lord, grant me the strength to open this jar without the aid of my husband…”

“We’re just here to post stuff we find funny. Please know if that offends you, we find that funny”

“What do you get if you cross Islam and Capitalism?”/“No more jokes about the profit.”

“Why’s it customary for a woman to cook in a marriage?”/“By law, you have to feed the prisoner.”

“One more week until I let a professional football team determine my mood for the next four months”

“Give me liberty. That’s it. I can handle the rest”

“How come 8 hours at home take 20 mins, but 8 hours at work take 6 days”

“I wonder if there is a margarita somewhere out there thinking about me, too”

“One week until I let a college football team determine my mood for the next 4 months”

“Eating nonbinary pizza at little ze/zirs”

“Where does a non-binary person get their pizza?”/“Little Ze/Zirs.”

“What do you call a pizza place run only by nonbinary people?”/“Little Ze/Zirs.”

Themhattan (them + Manhattan)

“Primark implies the existence of Primatthew, Priluke and Prijohn”

“Does butternut squash know how filthy it sounds?”

“What is the most mythical vegetable?”/“A unicorn.”

“Butternut squash sounds dirty”

Nazis In Healthcare (National Institutes of Health or NIH nickname)

“Those who like my posts are happier, more intelligent and better-looking than those who don’t”

“My coffee needs coffee”

“I have a pretty big butt, so when I half ass something you’re still getting something impressive”

“Common sense should reveal the absolute absurdity of what is happening in the world right now”

“I don’t rise and shine. I caffeinate and hope for the best”

“No, I don’t really ‘rise and shine.’ Most days, I just caffeinate and then hope for the best”

“Sleep is a symptom of caffeine deprivation”

“DEMOCRACY Because you’re outnumbered so fuck your individual rights”

“Liberty > Democracy”

“Meme them until they cry. Then make memes about them crying.—Sun Tzu”

“We’re just here to post shit we find funny. Please know if that offends you, we find that funny”

“A pepperoni pizza Lunchable is just a portable charcuterie board”

“Cold pepperoni pizza is just shabby-chic charcuterie”

“If something here offends you, please let us know. We can all use a good laugh”

“Pepperoni pizza is just a baked charcuterie board”

“A charcuterie board is just a deconstructed pepperoni pizza”

“Pepperoni pizza is technically charcuterie”

“I have a pretty big ass, so when I half ass something. you’re still getting something impressive”

“At some point we need to quit asking who needs to pay more taxes and focus on where it’s going”

“Those who like my tweets are happier, more intelligent and better-looking than those who don’t”

“I’m just here to tweet shit that I find funny. Please know if I offend you, I find that shit funny”

“We’re just here to tweet stuff we find funny. Please know if that offends, we find that funny”

“I listen to the voices in my coffee”

“Statism is the utopian ideal that just the right amount of violence used by just the right…”

“Whether it’s the best of times or the worst of times, it’s the only time we’ve got”

“Whether it’s the best of times or the worst of times, it is the only time you’ve got”

“Why is the Tower of Pisa leaning?”/“Because it had better reflexes than the Twin Towers.”

“Waiter: Can I take your order?”/“Diner: Sure.”/“Waiter: Thanks. I’m just really hungry.”

“Today is like coffee. It will be as good as you make it”

“Three stages of career development are: I want to be in the meeting, I want to run the meeting…”

“Even if you’re not conspiracy minded, something in your soul has to be telling you something…”

“Insane fact: the sun is approximately 8 CVS receipts from earth”

“Foreign aid is code for money laundering”

“Foreign aid is a euphemism for money laundering”

“What’s the difference between a gun and a whiny liberal?”/“A gun has only one trigger.”

“I’m beginning to think that foreign aid is just code for money laundering”

“I’m at the age that not finding parking for an event is enough to make me go home”

“What’s the difference between a feminist and a gun?”/“A gun has only one trigger.”

“What’s the difference between a liberal and a gun?”/“A gun has only one trigger.”

“The fact that we only get 4/5 hours after work before having to prepare for bed just to go to work”

“You can’t give away a used mattress but somehow we’ll pay 300/night to sleep on one at a hotel”

“For better digestion, I drink beer. In case of appetite loss, I drink white wine…” (joke)

“You can’t give away a used mattress but somehow we’ll pay 100/night to sleep on one at a hotel”

“Ate my last piece of cheese yesterday. Today it’s raining. Ain’t no sunshine when cheese gone”

“How do Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head solve their arguments?”/“They hash it out.”

“Foreign aid is just another term for money laundering”

“Foreign aid is a fancy name for money laundering”

“Ain’t no sunshine when cheese gone”

“Foreign aid is the politically correct term for money laundering”

“Twitter is a handy and constant reminder that socialists are disgusting people”

“It’s the weekend, baby! Might mess around and use a different setting on the washing machine”