“Cold soup is just a vegetable smoothie”

“Cream soup is just a warm vegetable smoothie”

“Butternut squash soup is just a hot vegetable smoothie”

“Potato soup is just a hot vegetable smoothie”

“Doing my part to keep the coffee industry financially strong”

“The secret to a happy life is to drink coffee and avoid talking to morons”

“I’m so addicted to coffee, I don’t sweat. I percolate”

“The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor”

“November doesn’t have afternoons. It’s just morning until 2 p.m., then night”

“The key to a happy life is to drink coffee before work and avoid talking to morons”

“You know you’re drinking too much coffee when you don’t sweat, you percolate”

“Democracy is just crowdfunded tyranny”

“You become a libertarian when you realize that it’s wrong to hurt people and take their stuff”

“If the troops defended freedom, they’d attack the government”

“If the troops defended freedom, they’d fight back against the government”

“Whatever you allow the government to do to others it will eventually do to you”

“Our dreams won’t fit in ballot boxes”

“Our dreams don’t fit in their ballot boxes”

“Our dreams don’t fit in ballot boxes”

“Our dreams will never fit into their ballot boxes”

“Our dreams don’t fit in your ballot boxes”

“Our dreams will never fit in their ballot boxes”

“Our dreams cannot fit in their ballot boxes”

“Nuestros sueños no caben en sus urnas” (“Our dreams do not fit in their ballot boxes”)

“Nuestros sueños no caben en vuestras urnas” (“Our dreams do not fit in your ballot boxes”)

“When do we get to cash in all this daylight we’ve been saving?”

“People with air fryers: What does fried air taste like?”

“What do you call an athletic pumpkin?”/“A jock o’ lantern.”

“I’ve almost finished my sandwich filling degree. I do my final eggs ham tomorrow”

“When I was a kid “the server is down” meant your waiter was depressed”

“I wish this Sunday coffee had another weekend in it”

“People who eat Twizzlers scare me. Like you’re really just sitting there enjoying flavored HDMI”

“If they tell you to just bring cups, plates and ice for Thanksgiving, your cooking sucks”

“If they told you to bring ice, you can’t cook”

“If they tell you to bring ice, you can’t cook”

Cohencidence (Cohen + coincidence)

“What do you call an overpriced sushi restaurant?”/“A raw deal.”

“When the truth comes out, you can’t unvax your children”

“When the truth comes out, you can’t unvax your kids”

“If a sushi restaurant is giving you a discount, don’t take it. You’re getting a raw deal”

“I’m not fat. I’m just a few meals ahead and a few shits behind”

“Science isn’t meant to be trusted. It’s meant to be tested”

“Skydiving school is the only school where you have to drop out to graduate”

“If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services”

“SCAM ALERT: There’s an organization going around called ‘IRS’ claiming you owe them money”

“Did you know that if you have a breakdown in an electric car you can still use the AA…”

“Apparently you have to eat healthy more than once to get in shape. This is cruel and unfair”

“You don’t get a body like mine overnight. It takes years of moderate neglect and bacon”

“If I die while lifting weights, add more weights then call 911”

“So the bills are washed, the laundry is paid, the clothes are in the oven…”

“What school do you have to drop out of in order to graduate?”/“Skydiving school.”

“Why aren’t donut holes called don’tnuts?”

Don’tnut (from “donut”)

“Donut or donotnut. There is no trynut”

“Donut implies the existence of don’tnut”

Donotnut (from “donut”)

“Hallmark implies the existence of Hallmatthew, Hallluke and Halljohn”

“Donut implies the existence of donotnut”

“What’s the least diverse profession in the country?”/“Chief diversity officer.”

“Checkmarks imply the existence of checkmatthews, checklukes and checkjohns”

“The area of space in the donut after you remove the donut hole is a don’tnut”

“What’s the opposite of donut?”/“Donotnut!”

“When I dunk my cookies in my milk, I think of you (and hold them under until the bubbles stop)”

“When I dunk my cookies, I think of you and hold them under until the bubbles stop”

“When I dunk my cookies, I pretend they are you and hold them under till the bubbles stop”

“What if when you dunk a cookie in milk and see bubbles come up it’s the cookie trying to breathe..”

“Folks crying about a $3 gallon of gas while in line for $5 cup of coffee”

“Folks crying about a $4 gallon of gas while in line for $6 cup of coffee”

“Guns won’t fill the emptiness of your soul. You’ll also need ammo”

“What do you get from a dwarf cow?”/“Condensed milk.”

“Tacos alone will not fill the emptiness in your soul. You will also need tequila”

“Tacos alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul. You’ll also need beer”

“Tacos alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul. You’ll also need hot sauce”

“Tacos alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul. You’ll also need margaritas”

“Tacos alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul. You’ll also need tequila”

“Today I will drink coffee, smile and be thankful”

“The day has begun, drink coffee, smile, and be thankful for the life you have”

“I’ve been watching my weight. It’s still there”

“Premature treejaculation—the act of erecting one’s festive decor in any month prior to December”

“I’ve been ‘watching my weight’ and, rest assured, it’s still there”

“Be honest, you didn’t trust the science. You trusted the TV”

“I TRUST THE SCIENCE!”/“You trust the television.”

“No sense in being pessimistic. It wouldn’t work anyway”

“No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn’t work anyway”

“There’s no point in being pessimistic. It wouldn’t work anyway”

“What’s the difference between a diploma and a roll of wallpaper?” (joke)

“I got kicked out of a Jewish bakery today. All I did was ask, ‘What’s the challah cost?’”

“People who argue over the price of bread in a kosher bakery are challah-cost deniers”

Shitlib (shit + liberal)

“There’s a chance this is wine” (written on a mug or container)

Fakedemic (fake + pandemic)

“I refuse to pay for Jewish bread. I’m a challah cost denier”

“This might be wine” (written on a mug or container)

“Politics ruins everything”

“Politics ruin everything”

“In America, they call it lobbying. Everywhere else in the world, they call it bribery & corruption”

Hoaxdemic (hoax + pandemic)

Hoaxvid-19 (hoax + COVID-19)

“I was bitten by a radioactive lawyer and ended up with the power of attorney”

“New York is cocaine, opium, hashish”